REWIND. . .

Embrace

2011-10-01T03:37:00.001+05:30

We were in an embrace,

Your face turned away from me...

I smiled at the moment,

Unaware of what was to be.

We breathed in perfect synchrony -

Our hearts dancing in the rise and fall;

Your arms tightened around my waist,

In every moment, the world grew small.

You broke away and lit a smoke -

Inhaled and exhaled with criminal flair;

Burnt and spent to ashes,

Obscure swirls disappeared into thin air.

The remnants crushed under your boot,

You turned and pulled me into you;

Your touch cold and unloving,

Your eyes, a steely hue.

The stench of smoke rested on my breath,

Your iron grip marked my skin;

Your gaze gnawed through sanity,

Consuming it from the heart within.

A tempest morphed from a gentle calm,

The storm to be braved became you;

You had me for life in your embrace,

Now you've ripped my heart out too.

After the dust settles...

2011-05-29T04:52:00.002+05:30

At the end there is emptiness...

To remind me you were real;

Just a hollow where hurt resides,

After all the layers have been peeled.

A river of salt still stains my cheek,

Residues of stray tears that died;

And with all the memories laid out,

There’s a void that won’t be denied.

Of walls, withered and bare,

Of broken windows with jagged frames,

I stand testimony to what has become

Of a burning love gone up in flames.

And after the dust has settled,

As the foot prints begin to fade,

The body stays, plundered of the soul -

Sleep walking on the edge of the blade.

And at the end there is emptiness...

Just a scar from a heart at war;

Then, there’s calm in this hallowed wreck,

To remind me it was you I fought for.

The Pain

2011-04-24T03:23:00.003+05:30

What do you do with the pain? The pain that’s eating away at your existence, threatening to corrode your very soul?

It conquers your life, runs it the way it wishes to, twists you into many complicated knots till you can’t breathe. The pain becomes a separate entity and watches you burn from the inside out.

It even lends a match.

The pain.

It manifests itself into different forms, changing like a chameleon hiding for cover...sometimes hot, angry tears...sometimes acrid words spewed out of a bleeding lip...sometimes a razor sharp cut on the skin. And sometimes, numbness. A blunt force trauma to the heart with no visible wounds.

Tears don’t surface.

Words lose voice

The gashes are too deep inside. Too concealed to be revealed.

The pain seeps through the veins like an invisible, untraceable drug. The pain grows on you like cancer...it possesses you.

That dull ache in your heart becomes your new heartbeat.

Silence becomes your new voice.

It’s the shadow that only leaves you when you’re in the dark – frightened, cold and alone. And every time you think it’s safe to step out into the light, you find it just where you left it.

Waiting patiently.

Laughing at your naivety.

Foolish you.

You give in to its iron grip. Leave everything behind, take off your shoes and prepare to walk on broken glass. Fragments of your life.

And you see blood seeping through.

How else would pain walk you down its path?

The Bengali Affair

2011-04-08T02:20:00.014+05:30

Apparently, my love affair with Bengali writing hasn't ended yet.

When I wrote my first Bengali poem back in 2009, I was almost certain that it would be my last. Not because I didn't want to write in Bengali anymore, but because I didn't think I had it in me. But if there's one thing I've learnt about writing, especially poetry, it is that it's best beyond our control. Words choose themselves and that we are just the medium.

So, this is me letting go.

চেনা-অচেনা

তোমার পথে চলে,

আনন্দে পথ হারিয়ে

এসেছি বহু দূর, সব ভুলে।

সেই মোড়, সেই গাছ,

কিন্তু কেমন অচেনা লাগে আজ-

গাছের সেই আলো ছায়ার নাচ।

তোমার খুশিতে খুঁজেছি নিজেকে,

ভুলেছি আমার দুঃখে তুমি নেই;

হাওয়ায় উড়ে আসা শুকনো পাতা তুমি,

ঝড়ের বেগে উড়ে চলেছ সেই।

গোধূলি আভা ছুঁয়েছে তোমায়,

তোমার স্পর্শে আজ রাঙা বাতাস;

তুমি যেন এক চেনা-অচেনা স্বপ্ন,

তুমি দিনের শেষে সেই দীর্ঘশ্বাস।

রাতের আড়ালে লুকানো সে ব্যাথা,

তুমি দিনের আলোতে দেখা দাওনা তাই;

একটা ছায়া যার পিছু করে না কেও,

তোমার আগুনে পুড়ে, রয়ে গেছে ছাই।

And, this is how it would read-

**Chena-Achena

Tomaar pothe choley

Anonde poth hariye,

Eshechi bohu dur, shob bhuley.

Sheiy mod, sheiy gaach,

Kintu kemon achena lage aaj-

Gaacher sheiy alo chayaar naach.

Tomar khushi’te khujechi nijeke,

Bhulechi aamar dukkhe tumi neiy;

Haway ude asha shukno pata tumi,

Jhor’er bege ude cholecho sheiy.

Godhuli abha chuyeche tomay,

Tomar sphorshe aaj ranga batash;

Tumi jeno ek chena-achena sapno,

Tumi diner sheshe sheiy dirghosshash.

Raater aarale lukono she byatha,

Tumi diney alo’te dekha daona taiy;

Ekta chhaya jar pichu kore na keo,

Tomar aagune poorey, roye geche chhaiy.

P.S. Open the comments section to find a rough translation :)

Almost

2011-03-16T06:01:00.001+05:30

The wind seemed to pick up speed as she walked closer to the edge, just as his heart picked up its pace as she swept her hair into a messy bundle and secured it with a bright purple band. Her slender neck now exposed…allowing the golden orange of the setting sun to gently kiss her on the nape. For a second he feared she read his thoughts as she gingerly lifted her hand to rub her neck. He struggled to look away. It wasn’t just her face…her entire being spoke volumes. There was a calmness in her body. The way she wrapped her arms around herself wasn’t because she was cold- he knew it was because she loved the thrill of being so close to the edge, so high above the ground.

Even with her back turned towards him, she could tell he was watching her. He always watched her when he thought she wasn’t looking. She didn’t mind. Yes, she wasn’t going to be naïve enough to deny that she liked his attention. Nobody looked at her the way he did…with so much longing, with so much depth. It was as if he was trying to unravel a mystery…which is why she liked to hold back just that little bit every time. She gently freed her hair from its tied form and let it cascade down her back. She tilted her head back and let the warm glow of dusk illuminate her face. She wished he would walk over and hold her. She closed her eyes and imagined the moment and let out a long sigh. Smiling, she prepared to step out of her fantasies.

The moment she took a deep breath, he knew she would turn around and he didn’t want to be caught staring at her. Though something deep inside told him, she already knew…or maybe she didn’t…maybe she was pretending not to know…but why? He loved this temporary insanity, the way his heart hop-scotched with anxiety and anticipation. He relished her…like a secret, a treasure only he knew about. Maybe the same way she wanted to preserve him, he realized. His eyes went back to her to find his beautiful treasure surrounded by a golden aura at this point. He suppressed his smile as he saw her brows beginning to knit together in curiosity. How he longed to hold her in his arms and kiss that frown away.

“What?”

“Didn’t you see the bird fly straight into the kite?” he asked her playfully.

She rolled her eyes at him and he laughed – an open, hearty laugh that made her heart skip a beat too many. For a second, it felt like she could put her guards down as she felt his laughter envelop her in its honesty. She closed her eyes and smiled. This was exactly the feeling she longed for…what she’d always felt was missing in her life.

“I love…your smile! I love your smile” he smiled casually. If there was one thing he was great at, that was pretending to be calm and composed.

“Almost” He thought to himself.

“Thank you” She smiled at him and turned to face the horizon again. It didn’t seem so out of reach anymore.

“Almost” She thought to herself.

Speck.

2011-02-03T02:14:00.001+05:30

A multi hued glittering speck

Floating in a psychedelic realm,

Through a kaleidoscopic vortex,

Tinted in shades of blue.

Blue as the endless space,

Blue as the prussian darkness,

Blue as the bruised soul,

Blue as lifelessness.

A dot in infinity,

A spot on a brand new sheet,

A fleck of dust waiting to settle

On a lost dancing shoe.

A shiny speckle tinted blue,

Tinted in ultraviolet hue -

Shining gloriously in the dark…

On a forgotten dancing shoe.

How does it feel, my darling?

2011-01-21T01:45:00.002+05:30

How does it feel now, my darling…

Now that you can hurt me no more?

How does it feel to be alone and unloved

Knowing that your pain has no cure?

How does it feel, my darling

To be broken and burnt?

To be left in your half baked hell?

Walking on your path of red hot coals

How does it feel, do tell.

Does it hurt to be trapped in your own cage,

Mangled and cramped into that tiny hole?

Does the sun ever touch your heart?

Does it hurt to know it’ll never warm your soul?

How does it feel to drown in your filth,

The lies and webs you lovingly bred?

Gasping for air and screaming for help,

How does it feel to be left for dead?

How does it feel, my darling?

To scream without a voice,

Knowing you’ll never break the spell!

Is the pain gut wrenching, darling?

How does it feel, do tell.

Love-Lust

2011-01-05T01:30:00.004+05:30

Random scribble.

Bold content. Children, don't read!

Unabashedly our lips meet –

Mine soft against yours

A silent moan,

A heavy sigh,

Passion blazing through.

A gentle caress,

An urgent embrace,

An insatiable thirst.

A need,

The greed,

As our bodies become one.

Driftwood

2010-11-29T01:29:00.009+05:30

There’s so much that has been unsaid-

Waiting to be set free,

Bound by tempers and tantrums,

Silenced by distances between you and me.

We look at each other longingly

Intentionally brushing skin to skin;

We try to revive the dying flames

Of a fire that burnt deep within.

We’re left with shreds of sanity,

We cling to the reminiscence of love;

We chase a dream that once was-

A dream lost in the push and shove.

We exit in cool contempt,

Gathering bullets on our way...

Tattered and torn we reach out,

As always, we were late today.

Words collapse to pauses,

Pauses melt into eternity,

And as we waited for a moment to speak-

One day, we became you and me.

Apologies for being away for so long...no big reason. Just uninspired, maybe too busy, maybe too lazy and maybe a little numb. Whatever it may be, there really is no justification.

In other news, I'm back in the City of Joy for good and enjoying the lovely onset of winter wonderfulness! No promises, but I will try to be as frequent in blogsville as I can. For all those who've still remembered this space and tried to check up on me...thank you so very much! I will catch up on all your posts soon!

Love...

When I Say Goodbye

2010-04-12T01:00:00.004+05:30

You’ll be gone soon.

You’ll be dead

The day I start to live;

I’ll drift you away

Like a feather in space...

I bid you farewell.

Alive

2010-04-10T04:50:00.001+05:30

Happy to be alive

Amongst mangled, skeletal remains,

In the afterthought of life…

Lost in ambiguity,

Life gushing through severed veins.

Happy to be alive,

Happily undone and undead -

Like a chapter unfinished,

Like a letter that was never read.

I bask in your toxic existence,

Reminiscent of ash and dust;

I flirt with the dark shadows,

And watch love evaporate to lust.

I chase swirls of blackened smoke

And follow you into the unlit road,

I see a monster in the mirror…

I am exactly what you showed.

This year

2009-12-30T11:04:00.002+05:30

2009.

This is the year I’ll never forget. If I could squeeze in some drama, I’d tell you that this is the year that has changed me forever. Such has been the impact. This year I've lost more friends than I’ve made. I’ve learnt to hate and tell people I hate them…I’ve forgotten how to tell the ones I love, that, I love them. I’ve learnt too much restraint for my own good.

I still haven’t learnt to lie with a straight face. Some things should never change :).

I've had my heart broken and trampled over only to burn with a stubborn desire to love. Though not happily, but I have learnt to try not to hold things to my heart…it hurts lesser or maybe my heart’s too numb, who knows! 2009 has been witness to the kind of love I never knew existed. Yet, this year will be the year I’ve craved for love the most. I don’t think that’s something I’ll put myself through ever again. I’ve come to accept that it isn’t anybody’s fault that I don’t have faith in them. I don’t understand faith too well. The day I do, I’ll welcome it with open arms.

This year I’ve lost something I never had. I’ve lamented, regretted and wished I could turn back time and do things differently. I’ve learnt that some damages are irreparable…and that some losses are irreplaceable.

It’s been a tough year, this 2009. This is the first year that I’ve lived away from home…learnt to cook and clean and be good at it! It sounds quite trivial, I know, but it is undoubtedly one of the most important things I've learnt. If I may brag a bit (since it is my blog!)…some of my friends here have told me that some of the dishes I make are better than what they get back home. I also baked a fruit cake this Christmas that people mistook for a store bought cake….oh the pride! :)

This year has reinforced one solid belief in my life – I have kickass friends! If you guys are reading this (and you know who you are!), I want you to know that you guys have given me all the strength I needed, whenever I needed it. I love you all so very much!

It is not so much a belief as it is a fact…I have a beautiful, loving family and there is absolutely nothing more important to me than them. I’m certain that’s something that won’t change either.

It’s been a roller coaster…this 2009…

Embers

2009-11-22T12:39:00.002+05:30

Don’t look into my heart,

There’s nothing left to see…

Just a few dying embers,

Leftovers from a fantasy.

Shut the door behind you,

Shut the door as you leave;

The darkness echoes the calm

My heart feels after I grieve.

Let hope fade into oblivion,

Don’t come near me again…

Your touch revives love,

A love that invokes pain.

You’re all I have left in me,

Only you make me whole;

Instead of killing me little by little,

Put a bullet through my soul.

whirlwind and lightning bolts

2009-10-30T10:20:00.010+05:30

Ok people, this is the place I ramble in when I’m upset…so no sympathy, kapish?

Nothing’s quite right. The past one month has been a roller coaster…of events and emotions I could never prepare myself for. Yet, I’m unusually numb…like I don’t care. My mind and my heart are playing tricks on me…the pain doesn’t even seem real and yet it’s real enough to keep me awake all night, night after night and make my heart ache – literally. I’m not strong enough to deal with so much all at once…and so I do what I do best – I keep pushing it back, hoping it’ll disappear somewhere in the already cluttered, cobwebbed past.

Something terrible happened recently. Right then, all I knew was that I needed my best friend because I didn’t want to be alone. She consoled me knowing I was crumbled inside; she coaxed me to cry, scream even if necessary. I just sat there looking down, fiddling with random objects…suffocated. She cried for me while I just sat there. I’m drained of all energy to react to pain and recover from it. Or maybe somewhere in my subconscious mind, I don’t want to anymore. I’m tired of being hurt every single time. Maybe I want to be completely destroyed…because from there, the only way is Up. I’m stuck somewhere in between and sinking so agonizingly slow that I can feel every painful jab at my soul.

On a lighter note…I did something different and outrageous this time around. I usually am a collected person even when I’m angry (USUALLY). I’d much rather ignore dirt and vent out here instead. This time, I didn’t bother. The bitch deserved it. Here’s an excerpt from a recent text I sent to a dear friend:

“…I think you owe him and me an apology for behaving like a drunken slut. Just thought I’d remind you because you obviously don’t have the decency or the shame.”

Verbally, there was much more. A house mate tells me the Bong in me finally surfaced *snigger*

Drunken Slut is what she will be known as from now on. I like it.

I’m (usually) not the bitchy kind. I despise these damsel-in-distress kinds. But when one makes alcohol an excuse and throws herself at my guy in my absence? I will hurt you till you cry.

Yes, Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.

Dare

2009-10-16T02:05:00.000+05:30

I dare you to break boundaries,

And freefall into this abyss;

I dare you to take a chance,

And be dead or find your bliss.

Be tired of running away

To find your way back home;

Dare to hold on to eternity

In shifting oceans of foam.

Make the biggest mistake -

And let happiness in your heart;

Let the sun shine upon you…

Dare to make a new start.

Hope! Expect! Want!

Rightfully demand for me!

Claim your place in my heart…

I'm yours…or can’t you see?

Give in to yourself -

To what you and I could be;

I dare you to close your eyes,

And give yourself to me.

Shadow

2009-09-22T05:59:00.002+05:30

Ever present, effervescent presence -

You linger long after you’re gone,

Leaving a fiery trail of emptiness,

Heartstrings tugged at and undone.

You remain – untouched and unmoved,

You stay hidden behind a violet veil;

You watch, observe carefully

As I wither away and become frail.

You match every step,

You know my every move;

Undeterred by ignorance,

You’re a constant I cannot elude.

Consumed by hatred,

You’re driven by greed;

Severed as I lie in your path,

Satisfied, you watch me bleed.

You stay long after I’m gone;

Silent…placid…content,

You blend in with the void…

You’re poison, a sedative scent.

You’re a stubborn stain,

A constant, nagging reminder,

You’re a scar that refuses to fade,

A memory that won’t be blurred.

You prosper with fear,

You feed off my weakness…

Evidence of my crude existence,

You’re an insatiable darkness.

Home, Happiness and Happy Birthday :)

2009-09-17T01:22:00.010+05:30

Guess who's back home :)

Anyway, my little sister turned 17 today. So our youngest sister and I decided to bake her a cake instead of getting one from the pastry shop. It was sooo much fun!! You guys have to see this...

Here's the birthday girl about to cut the cake (ater being smothered by chocolate icing from the cake her friends got). I know, I know...I have to work on the icing!

Ta-da!

And here is a cross section of the cake. Believe it :)

Anyone wants a piece? :)

P.S. The uper layer had purple too...wonder where it disappeared!

Update: The purple has been found :))

R.I.P

2009-09-16T02:23:00.004+05:30

You selfish prick. I just told you someone I knew DIED and all you care about is that I’m not talking to you??!

It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know her too well, it doesn’t even matter that she wasn’t my favourite person. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s gone. She seemed like she had everything going for her…pretty girl, talented, ambitious – she knew exactly what she wanted out of life when most of us were still aimless. What could have gone so wrong that she felt the need to end her life?

Yes, I’m grateful for all that I have in life and no matter how difficult things get, I never lose track of all my blessings. There’s a lot of joy and there are a lot of heartaches. Life isn’t perfect. I don’t know if my problems will get any better or worse…I don’t know if I’ll be loved the way I want to be loved or if I’ll ever love back the way I imagine it in my mind…I don’t know how my life will be 5 years…10 years down the line…if I’ll be happy. And tonight for the first time in my life, not knowing frightens me.

May your soul rest in peace P.

A-Z

2009-08-25T07:23:00.005+05:30

Okay! Freelancer tagged me with this one almost about a month back…and I’ve just been a little too caught up! My bad! So here is the A-Z of me :)…

A – Available/Single? – Single and available are not the same thing! And the answer would be a ‘NO’ for both.

B – Best friend? – can’t pick one! I’m blessed with two.

C – Cake or Pie? – Cake mostly…umm but I’m sort of weird that way. No regular double/triple/quadruple chocolate for me!! I prefer fresh cream cakes…black forest, fresh cream-pineapple, etc etc. ooooh and cheesecakes! But warm apple pie with ice-cream/ whipped cream (or both!) -yum!

D – Do I want something right now?– Yes! Craving for the above mentioned cakes/pie now!

E – Essential item you use every day? – Well…toothbrush, keys, wallet, etc go without saying I suppose. SO I would say…kohl. In my defense…my eyes feel puffy if I don’t apply kohl. :P

F – Freedom to me is? – Unattainable for most of us. In the modern day, we mere mortals are bound by time.

G – Giggle / Laughter – a whole hearted laugh.

H – Heart / Brain –Brain! Ze heart is a lot of trouble!

I – Indulgence/ Addiction? – After Eight :). For people who don't know...it's a chocolate.

J – July or July? – January ;) …my birthday month!

K – Kids & their names? – errr… say what?

L - Life is – poetry in motion…sometimes we struggle to make the words rhyme and sometimes stumble upon beauty even in the total lack of rhythm.

M – Mistakes – multiple shots of tequila at 4 am! Haahah…ok jokes apart! Mistakes are essential to know what’s right for us.

N – Number of siblings? – Two loverly little sisters :)

O – One thing I hate to accept? – I get hurt easily. Whattodo foolish heart!

P – Pictures / Reality – reality captured in pictures.

Q – Quote for today? – ‘Multi-tasking - screwing everything up simultaneously’!

R – Reason behind my brain working these days? – Well, tried the heart…and let’s just say the heart and I had a li'l fallout! So back to the good ol’ brain!

S – Season? – Winter :)…snuggling up in couch in a cozy blanket, hot chocolate and a good book…walking around the house in an oversized sweater and colourful socks…going to sleep tucked in a warm, fluffy blanket…Christmas :)

T – Tag 3 People? – Hmm I tag the three people who really really want to do this tag!

U – Unknown fact about me? - I lick the bowl clean after finishing the soup in it. Fortunately, I don’t do this in public. :)

V – Vegetable you don't like? – Pumpkins. Hate it, hate it, hate it!!

W – Worst habit? – I can never reach anywhere on time!

X – X-rays you've had? – Quite some! Dislocated limbs, back injury, immigration procedures…enough?

Y – Yes?? Yuck??? – err…what do you want me to answer???

Z – Zodiac sign? – One helluva stubborn Capricorn!

The one

2009-08-21T09:47:00.009+05:30

*Note: Slightly bolder terrain! Reader discretion advised*

If it was possible to choose who we fell in love with, she probably wouldn’t be sitting in the corner, alone, crying after he left.

They were strangers who were instantly attracted to one another. She was floored by his confident disposition and flattered by his undivided attention. He was spellbound by her mystique. He told her he wanted her...it had been long since she’d felt that desired and just knowing so made her want to give in to him completely. She knew at that very moment that what was to happen from that point on, would be irreversible. He would be the one man she would never forget.

Things were simple. They were two weathered souls who no longer believed in the happily ever after. They were adults aware of their wants and desires and made no charade of emotions. All that was unnecessary. He wanted her and she longed to be cherished.

Simple?

Or so it seemed.

She fell in love with him. He did not. He never would...he’d made certain she knew that. She was special to him and he wouldn’t dare do anything to hurt her. She was free to walk out of their “arrangement” anytime. He spoke very little…considered it a waste of time in which he’d rather make love to her. The passion with which he devoured her in bed left her breathless and weak. Love was never to be mentioned. But that could not stop her from hopelessly falling in love with the one man she would never have.

Her entire day was spent in anticipation of the few hours he’d spend with her in the evening. She knew so little about his life but there was a silent agreement that they’d meet at her apartment when he wanted to see her. He’d stay for a few hours; sometimes even late into the night. But he’d never stay the night. He’d be uncomfortable when she’d fall asleep in his arms and would wake her up to wish her a good night and drive away. It all had to happen by his rules. It was at these times, after he left, that she’d breakdown and weep inconsolably in the emptiness of her apartment and her life. For once she wanted to fall asleep feeling him breathe and wake up in his arms. She wished he’d ask her about her day and hold her a little longer. She longed to be a part of his life. She longed to be loved despite knowing that he would never love again.

She cried so hard, she could feel her body tremble. She wrapped her arms around herself…lonely, afraid of the realization that she too, would never love again.

Rambling

2009-08-17T05:19:00.006+05:30

It’s been long since I’ve written anything. After moving to London, my life took a dramatic turn. Unfortunately, not a pleasant one. I wrote lesser and chose to suffer in silence instead. Personally, I hit rock bottom. Going back home was not just about meeting family, but also an opportunity for me to renew myself and gain back the strength I’d lost. And I did. I made a conscious decision to be a stronger, wiser person and write more often because writing keeps me sane. For me, not writing can either be a wonderful thing or a sign that something’s terribly wrong. Sadly this time, it’s the latter. After that frightful night, I feel like I'm spiralling back into the same darkness again. I feel too numb to write. My heart’s heavy, eager to let it all out...but I don’t have the words.

Do you know how much you’re hurting me? If you care, then tell me so...please don’t pretend not to. Your cold, vicious words break my strong resolve every time. No matter how hard I try to be indifferent, pretend that you don’t matter...truth is I’m miserably in love with you and it isn’t in my power to undo it. I can’t tell you so because I’m scared that if I do, I’ll only give you the power to hurt me more. But is it that difficult to see?

As corny as it may be...there’s a famous dialogue from Notting Hill reeling in my head for the past few days...

“I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”

I'm not as strong and cold as you think I am.

I Am.

2009-07-27T11:46:00.004+05:30

A sun catcher, a wind chime -

I hold what you can never see;

I am the thought that lingers,

I am the only forbidden glee.

I’m the music you can’t recreate,

The rhythm you cannot fight;

You play me all you want -

I’m the tune you can never get right.

The moment of truth, I am,

A reflection staring back at you;

I am the reason you look away,

In nothingness, I’m all that’s true.

I’m the drop that tempts your lips,

The warmth that draws you close;

I’m the wind beneath your wings,

I’m the inner glow that shows.

A reason you cannot reason with,

The answer you’ve always known;

I am the question that’ll remain

And leave you tattered and torn.

The power that makes you weak,

Or the love that can fill your life;

I’m the home you wish you had,

The cause of an eternal strife.

A sun catcher, a wind chime,

The raging water behind a dam!

Your heartbeats race and skip,

You can love because I am.

Proudly Bangali!

2009-07-22T01:39:00.010+05:30

If my Bengali teachers from school could see this...one of the following two things could happen-

· They’d be overwhelmed and die with a smile on their face.

· They’d die out of shock.

Heehe...either way, they’d die!

Yes, I’m a Bengali and proudly so! But honestly I’ve never really been drawn towards Bengali literature in a grand way- maybe just the popular ones or the ones that “every Bengali must know”. No, it has never been a matter of cool and not-cool...it just never happened. You get the picture, right? Needless to say, my bangla has always been a little kacha. I can speak the language fluently, I know the letters but expressing myself the way I do in English...bleh.

Then something weird happened. After coming to London, as EVERYBODY knows, I’ve been missing home terribly. So much so that I’ve been listening to a lot of Bengali music and watching many Bengali movies...just to feel a little at home. Yes yes, very strange I am. I listen to Dean Martin, The Doors and Anjan Dutta back to back. I despise all the hip-hop music that’s oh-so-in now! Anyhow, coming back to the subject! I ended up writing a poem in Bengali last night. Happened. Words just came to me. It may not be a masterpiece...but I’m so very proud!

হারানো ভালোবাসা

কোথায় তুমি হারিয়ে গেলে -

বুঝেও বুঝতে পারছি না;

কত কথা মনে পড়ে,

চেষ্টা করেও ভোলা যায় না।

শুধু তোমার হতে চাই,

তোমাকে চাই নিজের কাছে;

একটা চাপা রহশ্যের মত,

থাকতে চাই মনের ফাকে।

একটা নিঃশব্দ রাতের মত,

সব জেনেও কিছু না বলতে চায়-

রইল এই হারানো ভালোবাসা,

কিছু নির্বাক পাতায় পাতায়...

And before you extra-patient readers boycott my blog...here’s what it would read as:

Harano Bhalobasha

Kothay tumi hariye gele-

Bujheo bujhte parchi na;

Koto kotha mone pore,

Chesta koreo bhola jaey na.

Shudhu tomar hote chaiy,

Tomake chaiy nijer kache;

Ekta chapa rohoshyer moto;

Thakte chaiy moner phake.

Ekta nishobdo raater moto,

Shob jeneo kichu na bolte chaey-

Roiylo eiy harano bhalobasha,

Kichu nirbak patay patay.

*sigh* I’m so proud :)

Silent Scream

2009-07-21T05:49:00.002+05:30

Do you know you’re on my mind?

That the thoughts are agonizingly deep?

Do you know I stay awake all night?

That is if I don’t cry myself to sleep.

It’s hurtful to know I’m such a bother,

That you’d rather stay away from me…

For you, I’ve killed a part of myself;

Dreams, my eyes no longer see.

You make me feel like such a tease,

A few good laughs is all I am…

I neither deserve nor can want no more,

Every smile on my lips- a new sham.

It’s amazing how oblivious you are

In this tug of love and hate;

As you turn around and brush it off-

I watch my heart burn at stake…

Brown eyed girl

2009-07-18T00:51:00.004+05:30

He observed her from a distance. She was with a few girls her own age. Friends probably. He watched her as they chatted away to glory. It was almost as if she’d programmed herself to laugh or pass a comment at certain intervals just so her friends wouldn’t suspect anything. But she couldn’t fool him. She had the saddest eyes he had ever seen. Every now and then her eyes would become glassy and just then she’d laugh loudly as if to push back the tears to a safer place. He had a strong urge to walk over to their table, pull her away and look in her eyes till she broke down. But he was a decent man so he forced himself to look away. He took his coffee and headed back to his office.

He thought about her all day. All day while he typed away and gave orders and signed papers, he couldn’t stop thinking about the girl with the sad eyes. “What was it about her?” he thought to himself as he got ready to head back home. “Maybe she just had a bad day”... “No no! There was lot more behind those brown eyes”. The debate with himself continued all the way to tube station.

The train was packed. Office hours were always a nightmare for London Underground. But he was too consumed to take notice. It was only when someone almost knocked him over, did he look around…and there she was- standing in a corner, trying to become invisible. Her eyes didn’t meet anyone, not the smallest trace of a smile on her face. He didn’t realize how time flew in the crowded train…he didn’t realize when the crowd subsided and that they were now sitting across from one another. Suddenly he realized she was looking straight at him, slightly displeased, probably because he was unconsciously staring at her. He managed to salvage the remaining scraps of his dignity and smiled back at her…

“Hot, huh?” Were the words he managed to cough up and immediately wished a portal would open up right then and suck him in!

“Yes, it is an exceptionally hot day...” she responded politely. Boy was he glad she understood what he intended to say! Her voice was deep, almost pained. He immediately knew it was one voice he’d remember all his life. He was tempted to hear more, so he decided to push his luck further… “If you don’t mind me saying so, you have very beautiful eyes”

She looked more surprised than offended or pleased. Managing a polite smile she thanked him and plugged in her headphones to avoid further conversations with the strange stranger.

She pretended to listen to music. She often did that to avoid people – plug in her headphones and not play any music. She wanted to be accustomed to being alone...she had to become used to being silent and invisible. She could no longer be the feisty person she was once. Her spark, her pride had become the biggest obstacle in her life. The lesser she spoke, the lesser troubles she had. She didn’t realize when a defiant drop of tear escaped her strong will.

He didn’t miss it. He knew she wasn’t listening to anything…eyes like those would’ve reacted to music. Those eyes gave away too easily. He got up from his seat and took a seat beside her and offered her a tissue he rummaged from his bag. Without looking up, she accepted it and dabbed her eyes.

She was prettier up close and he had to fight hard to resist wiping away the tear himself. Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment which rendered it a little colour where it was initially pale. He smiled as she bit her lower lip in an attempt to stop the tears from resurfacing. Her stubbornness was almost amusing to watch.

“Thanks.” She said, interrupting his thoughts, “Something must’ve gotten into my eyes.” She lied. Those eyes weren’t meant for secrets. As if almost reading his thoughts, she quickly looked away and plugged in her silent headphones again.

“There’s no music” he blurted out but didn’t feel obliged to apologize.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You’re not listening to any music. I can tell.”

“I didn’t ask” She snapped back.

“I was with her for six years. I was going to ask her to marry me. Then she left me for another man. She never even told me why she was unhappy with me. It broke my heart.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” she looked genuinely confused.

“Because you will forget everything the minute you get off this train. And I’ll still be lightened of a burden I’ve been carrying around for quite some time now.”

She said nothing, just continued to stare at this stranger. Yet they both completely understood what he was saying and what he was not saying.

She didn’t attempt to break eye contact anymore, almost as if daring him to keep up with her.

They always looked away.

But he wouldn’t. He was mesmerized by her eyes, touched by the pain she was feeling.

Her eyes became glassy and for the first time in the entire day, he saw a hint of helpless rage her eyes. He still didn’t look away.

Her eyes softened, “I love someone who is irritated by my very presence…who doesn’t have the patience or the tolerance to listen to any of my thoughts, ideas, complains or suggestions. I love someone who won’t even be in the same room as me when I cry…let alone put a loving arm around me. I’m in love with someone who is enraged by the very existence of me in his life. Yet, I’m accused everyday of being blind to his love.”

He didn’t look away, just wiped away the tears that had finally escaped. “Do you need some water?”

“No, thank you. I’m fine.” Having said that, she looked at him and they both laughed…the word ‘fine’ was probably the most misused word in history.

“Your eyes are beautiful when you cry and even more so when you laugh.”

“Thank you…for everything.”

“My pleasure”

They continued the remaining journey in silence. But a refreshingly peaceful silence.

“I get off at the next stop” she said breaking the silence. Her eyes were still sad but there was a hint of life in them.

“Goodnight. I hope we cross paths again.” he smiled at her, engaging her eyes again.

“Maybe. Goodnight.” She smiled back at him.

But only did their eyes communicate the truth and left them both slightly heartbroken and slightly more alive than they were.

Tag :)

2009-07-13T09:58:00.014+05:30

Was in one of those random moods, trying to divert my mind...so I decided to do this Tag 'cause I really liked it. Picked this one up from Annie's blog...

Ten Things You Wish You Could Say to People, don’t take any names

Thank you for being there for me sis. I love you till the end! I know you’re still hurting…and it breaks my heart to see you pretending each day. Let it go.
You truly are a gem. When uncle passed away…I remember going to your place to console you and I remember just standing there. No words seemed suitable enough. I still think about it and I don’t know what I should’ve told you. I came home that night and wrote something that I haven’t shown to anybody ever.
I can’t say this enough…you screwed up. Nothing more, nothing less. Please don’t give her any more importance than that in your life. I trust you. Soul mates forever!
I’m sorry for everything I said that evening. It’s something that I will never forgive myself for. I am so much like you…I only wish I had even a fraction of your generosity. Thank you for letting me spread my wings and choose my own flight at every point in my life.
I stayed awake till I was certain you were asleep…I was so terrified, I got up in the middle of the night to check if you were breathing. I think it was in those four days that we became closer. I love you for everything you do for us. I don’t think I thank you enough. I miss the you-me times...the movies, lunches, shopping, even the early morning workouts I’d complain about! Most of all I miss the weekend movie screening at home :(
I hope you get the same treatment in your old age.
You were too short for me :P
I wish I could cut you out of my life. You’re the only mistake I regret making. I won’t be yours even if you’re the last man alive! Scheme your way through that.
“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.” How true, isn’t it? You’ll always have a part of me.
My silence haunts me every second of everyday…when will you notice?

Nine things about you

I’m a Body Shop addict. I love their body butters…I have ‘em in coconut, brazil nut, mango, strawberry, passion fruit and peach (the last two being my favourites...they smell good enough to eat!). I love how their honey shampoo smells…it’s currently one of my favourite smells. Which reminds me…I always smell divine ;)
I’m a clumsy twat! I drop almost everything I touch.
I have nine piercings (all on the ears) and one tattoo.
I’m trained in western and latin dance. There was a time in my life I wanted to be nothing but a dancer.
As unbelievable as it might be…I’m actually uncomfortable with all the emotional stuff. That’s why I write.
I’m painfully boring :P
I’m an awesome cook. And I don’t mean a couple amazing dishes …we’re talking multiple courses-various cuisines-awesome!
I have scarily expressive eyes. Sometimes when I’m angry…just one look does the trick.
I honestly believe love isn’t made for me. ‘Tis no melodramatic line…it’s a carefully analyzed, practical conclusion.

Eight ways to win your heart

haahah…I have no clue! Sudden gestures catch my fancy. But will give it shot…

Be confident. I’ve grown out of the shy-guys phase.
Be a gentleman. Treat me like a lady. Simple?
Take the pains of preparing a fancy dinner for me/with me once in a while and enjoying it candle lit.
Slow dance with me in the rain. Once.
Write something for me.
Love my quirks.
Catch me unawares with a kiss now and then.
Win the hearts of my family members :)

Seven things that are on your mind a lot

He
He
He
He
He
He
What next (career, life, etc etc)

Six things you wish you never did

Leave dancing (as in the BIG way)
Get that horrendous hair cut when I was 13!
Errr…wax myself. Very traumatic experience. Don’t ask!
Kiss him.
Keep quiet when I shouldn’t
Fall weak time and time again.

Five things that turn you off

Compulsive lying.
Wrong English.
The yo-man-mah-lyfe-so-kewl types!
Body odour/ bad breath
“Baby” (!!!)

Four turn on’s

Confidence
Intelligence
Wit
Humor with a touch of sarcasm

Three things you want to do before you die

Travel alone
Be famous
Change at least one life (for the better.)

Two smileys that describe you

One confession

I have no idea where all this is headed. All I know is that I need you.

The Eternal Flame

2009-07-09T06:32:00.002+05:30

A flame that’s inextinguishable

You truly are…

A fire that consumes everything,

An uncontrolled power.

You’re the sun -

Warm, inviting on a cold grey day;

Ruthless too you are,

To everything that comes your way.

You’re a light that glows forever,

Too bright to be concealed.

Yet hidden you’ll remain in me,

Too precious to be revealed.

Holler!

2009-07-03T08:12:00.004+05:30

Ok. Long story short...I accidentally deleted my old blog template (yes, stupid! I know, I know). So, this is my temporary/ trial template...I'm still on the prowl for better ones! Suggestions are most welcome!

Cheers!

yearning

2009-07-02T05:35:00.007+05:30

You said you’d be there if I needed you,

You said you knew each breath and pore;

Why then are you so distant

Now that I need you ever more?

I’m hurting beyond belief,

And no one I want to turn to…

I can’t suffer in silence anymore

Can’t you see that I need you?

You- a blunt ache in my heart

To which only you are the cure;

Addictive as narcotics you are,

You leave me begging for more.

Don’t you hear my silent pleas

Or is my silence finally dead?

You so willingly to cut my voice;

But love, has everything been said?

I’m powerless when I’m with you,

And lifeless when I’m not…

You - my conviction,

You’re all the love I’ve got.

Do you hear me now?

Now that I’m bleeding out;

I need you oh so much,

I need you without a doubt.

I let the rain pour today

2009-06-27T23:45:00.002+05:30

I let the rain pour today…

Though crevices of my heart

And the cracks in my shield;

I let the rain pour today

And wash away the layers.

I stood still when lightning struck,

I stood still as it poured,

I soaked every drop that fell,

I stood still as thunder roared.

I let the rain tangle my hair,

And free it from its glossy form;

I let the wind through its maze,

And be unleashed in the storm.

I let my thoughts drift to you…

To memories only I’ll ever know;

I didn’t stop the tear that dropped,

I couldn’t hide the iridescent glow.

I let the rain pour today,

Let it pour in all its might;

I let my heart be drenched

Hoping it would heal just a slight…

unsaid

2009-06-25T00:52:00.004+05:30

I wish I could let go of

Every touch and every dream,

Every skipped heartbeat

And every silent scream…

I don’t believe

A word you speak now,

The rage you intentionally spew;

I respect every bit of your being

Unfortunately I have a heart too…

2009-06-22T23:11:00.002+05:30

You’ve left a mark on me that I won’t be able to undo for as long as I live. A mark that’s sadistically beautiful –almost as if it feeds off the pain to engrave itself deeper on my being. A part of me is too busy pretending not to care. And the other part doesn’t quite give a damn. And somewhere between these two is a speck of a heart which only knows how to ache longingly. I think about the choices I could’ve made…the times I could’ve pulled myself out…the times I could’ve stopped myself from believing…believing in the goodness, the blatant wooing, the beautiful coincidence of it all. And I'm left wondering what to believe. I’m still holding onto all that. Maybe because I’d much rather not see this side of you. A cold, indifferent you. I don’t understand.

Do I still have love left in me?

Yes.

Do I want to have love left in me?

No.

Serendipity

2009-06-16T14:40:00.002+05:30

“Hmm”

“I wish you had this view”

“I wish I had you.”

“Hmm.”

“Hmm..”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, tell me!”

“Won’t. Too deep, too bare. So you better not dare.”

“Hmm”

“Good.”

“You’re stubborn.”

“So are you!”

“I still can’t get you to tell me anything.”

“I wanted to kiss you..”

“Don’t go there…”

“Fine.”

“Don’t be angry…just stay with me.”

“And be leashed! No way!”

“Fine. Go. Is that all you ever want?”

“I want you. Your hopes, your dreams, your anguish, your pain. Your body is beautiful. And your soul is divine. I want all this. And more.”

“Hmm..”

“Fine. Bye!”

“Come on…don’t go!”

“Already gone.”

“Fine. Bye.”

“Hmm..”

“What now?”

“Nothing.”

“Then go away.”

“Nope.”

“Leave me alone, will you!”

“Won’t. We’re meant to be together.”

“And that’s why you keep coming and going as you please! You hurt me..”

“You hurt me too love.”

“Then why do you keep coming back?”

“Because you are home.”

Stay with me...

2009-06-15T03:48:00.001+05:30

Stay with me tonight

Just tonight don’t let go of me;

I’ll pour my heart out to you,

Show you everything there is to see.

My soul is so full of scars,

I’m afraid it’ll frighten you...

I want to tell you everything

No lies, only what is true.

Hold me and take me in your arms,

When I don’t have the courage to talk.

Kiss my hand gently,

Whisk me away for a midnight walk.

Stay with me even when I resist,

Even if I push you away.

Stay a little while longer,

Stay with me through this day…

you

2009-06-10T17:43:00.000+05:30

A heartache brewing from the past,

A familiar scent that will never last,

A desire so strong, so enticing again,

Like the scorched earth after the rain.

You’re a path I’d tread without seeing

With you I’m everything I’m afraid of being.

You’re everything I want, but I must leave;

Afraid if I linger, I might begin to believe…

Home

2009-06-01T04:07:00.004+05:30

AND FINALLY. I’m home.

I cant remember being this happy in a long time now. Everything is so very wonderful - home, family, friends, familiar strangers in the park…even the heat, dust and noise…I don’t mind any bit of it. My friends might not know this but if you’re reading this, believe me I wanted to hug you and cry my guts out when I saw you. I’m that relieved and overwhelmed. I’m cold in person. Must change that :P

Last evening, I sat on top of our water reservoir and spent the most wonderful time alone. And for a change I didn’t feel lonely. I rediscovered bits of courage that I thought I’d exhausted. I’m not looking forward to going back to London, but I am looking forward to my future. Then I let my mind wander and for once I didn’t search for the stars and curse the pollution for not being able to find them. My stars were downstairs…maa in the kitchen preparing my favourite dinner, papa sorting through family pictures on the computer, and my vibrant little sisters fighting over the remote control for the TV despite having three televisions in the house!

*sigh*

I don’t want to go back.

Now before I forget, I want to send out a very special Thank You to a very special person...

Pearl, I know you wont be reading this anytime soon ( or maybe you will!)…but whenever you do, I want you to know that I don’t have words dear enough to thank you for what you’ve done for me. I have friends and best friends but over the last year or two, you’ve surpassed all that. You’re much much more to me…you’re my soul sister if there’s any such thing! It was your voice in my head that saved me from a huge mistake… it was you who gave me strength when I needed it the most. I’m so happy I got to meet you before you left and for that I owe you another huge thank you…it wouldn’t have been possible if not for you. I’ll miss you so very much :( and wherever you are gurl, always know that I’m only a phonecall (and a slightly expensive flight) away. Love you babes…

For all my friends who’re tossing up excuses for not being able to meet me…I’ll tell you about Pearl sometime.

P.S. I have some truly amazing friends. I might go on a rampage and ramble about all of them in my next post. Please bear with me!

2009-05-07T07:45:00.002+05:30

I apparently was the object of a pervert’s fantasies. A pervert who very sadly happens to be a housemate. I’ve tolerated his loud foul mouth with the firm belief that there’s goodness in him. And he went around narrating his sick fantasies to some other male housemates. I don’t know if anybody else participated…I don’t care if they didn’t. I’m a little disgusted by all of them. why? Because none of these grown men had the bloody decency to ask the sick bastard to shut up. I figure that would be breaking some secret male-bonding code. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not some radical feminist, but can you blame me for being angry? And Angry I am. Very very angry. I feel violated. And I feel hurt. Everyone who knows me, knows that I’m not the ‘flashy’ kind. I’m neither flirtatious nor am I cheap. On the contrary, one might say I’m even a bit conservative. I know my limits and I take special care not to send any mixed signals to anybody. I’ve suffered and I’ve learnt. So while I’m angry, violated and hurt, I’m also confused about what I did to ever encourage this little pervert to have such thoughts. And today when I confronted him, I just realized that the answer is in my question…He is a sick minded pervert. He doesn’t require need encouragement to be the dirty son of a bitch that he is.

Believe it or not, he uses the word ‘whore’ (translated into various languages and slangs) for every woman who’s not his family. He believes all women dancers are equivalent to bar dancers/strippers. He condones sexual abuse/rape because it obviously is the woman’s fault for dressing suggestively or roaming the streets late at night. He believes that marriage entitles a man to force sex upon his wife. Yes ladies, such men exist.

Hmm. Well. don’t really know what else to write even though my mind is boiling over and spewing hot rage everywhere! All I can say to you, yes YOU, is that I really don’t care about your apologies, you never really were my friend. Forget forgiveness! Honestly you were just an acquaintance whom I don’t have to acknowledge anymore. I hope you rot in hell and as I told you earlier, I’m sorry you even have a mother. I don’t usually take names in my blog, but this time I want friends and acquiantances to know, to be warned...

I hate you, Ridwan Gazi.

P.S….don’t worry about me. I’m a strong girl. And I still do have a few nicer housemates :)

slow burn

2009-04-29T09:52:00.001+05:30

“I’ll count to five. After that I wont listen to a word you say”, his tone as warm as ice.

She knew he meant it, she knew she’d have to somehow wrap up her aching heart within the next five seconds. She began, unsteady, her words garbled by the inconsolable tears, “I…it’s hurting..”

“one”

“try…for once understand what…”

“two”

“…how can I make you understand ev…”

“three.”

“let me talk dammit!”

“four”

She was crying even more furiously by now, “I can’t talk like this…I..”

“five. That’s it.”

“you can’t keep doing this to me. Don‘t push me that way again…” she managed to say in between tears, “I won’t be able to go on like this…”

“then get lost you bloody bitch!” his face turned red with anger, he turned picked up the chair and threw it at the door beside her. She jumped up with fear and yet she couldn’t tell him how afraid she was. He ripped the intricate mirror off the wall and threw it across the room. She watched helplessly as glass flew all over the room. She was powerless, consumed by her own fear. A fear that agitated him even more.

“WHORE! Bloody bitch!”

She sobbed into her blanket, trying to muffle the sounds even more, “stop saying that…”, she managed to say in a feeble voice.

He didn’t hear her. He stormed out of the house and slammed the door shut on her face.

2:30am.

His last words still echoed in the room. She felt stifled…she wanted to run away. But she had nowhere to go. He was all she had in the city. Besides, how could she walk out in the streets when the tears just refused to stop. She had to divert her mind…she looked around the room. It was a mess. She took a deep breath and got up to straighten the chair. There were shards of glass everywhere…she started to pick them up one by one. She kept telling herself that he would be back soon. He knew she couldn’t be alone at night, “he knows it very well”, she repeated loudly as if to silence the reverberations of their argument. Just then she heard her phone ring. A message.

Won’t come home tonight. Will be back tomorrow morning.

She calmly placed her phone on the table and continued to pick up the miniscule pieces of glass from the carpet. Her tears now knew no bounds. She scolded herself, but nothing helped. She dropped the pieces of glass and sat down on the floor, sobbing helplessly. She chose this life. Again. She believed in his goodness. Again. It was her decision and she’d given too much of herself to turn back now. She loved him in ways that only she could understand. She couldn’t let go. She wouldn’t. Not anymore.

She picked up a piece of the broken glass and very deliberately ran it on her leg just above the mark she’d made two days back. She felt a slight burn and watched as a tiny drop of blood surfaced. All the pain she felt suddenly rushed to her leg and she felt surprisingly lighter. And then, nothing. She felt nothing at all except the slight burn. She got up and cleaned up the broken glass.

Then she went around the house turning off each and every light and with that putting out every little silly notion she had about her love-story. His temper would never change - it would probably get worse. He wouldn’t stop the abusive language no matter how much he promised. It wouldn’t change. She’d never be cherished the way she hoped to be. She’d never just be breathtakingly beautiful to him. Her heart would never again skip a beat at suddenly being caught off-guard by a kiss. He’d never come to her first and beg for her forgiveness irrespective of who‘s fault it was. She’ll never know what it’s like to pretend not forgive just for fun. He wouldn’t steal her away from the crowd…he wouldn’t ignore the crowd to be with her. Yes, he loved her…she was aware of that. But he would never ever again remind her of the love he’d once promised. She drew the curtains till there was complete darkness. Morning he’d be back and pretend everything’s fine and she’d have no option but to play along. One mismatched word or behavior would anger him furthermore.

Wrapped in a blanket of broken dreams and promises long lost, she drifted off to sleep and dreamt of the love she could only get in dreams.

Girl friend(s)

2009-04-03T09:26:00.006+05:30

I need a girl friend right now. Now before you, my lovely readers get any ideas…not a girlfriend, I mean a girl (who’s a) friend. Yes, I’ve almost always been ‘one of the guys’ but this is a little too much - even for me. All and I mean ALL my friends here are boys!! Yes, there are many girls I know here but I just never ‘hit it off’ with any of them. It’s almost frustrating sometimes…there are just so many things I miss, But alas! *sigh*

Here are a few, just off the top of my head…
Watch a chick-flick in PJ’s minus the oh-so-macho-(funny??!) comments…and at least one of us crying.

Sleepovers. With vodka, soda, smokes, popcorn, ice cream, late-night radio and a whole lot of secrets.

Ah. Ice-cream. An important entity in girl-bonding. whole slabs/ buckets and plenty of spoons. Bowls banned. Butterscotch. Yum.

Gorging on junk food without a damn care in the world! Yes women are health conscious and men are the big eaters. But when it comes to junk food- we have no competition.

Spending hours in a bookstore without being hurried.

Shopping! It’s ZERO fun shopping with a guy. Haahah…unless they have a purpose or they’re getting something out of it *wink* *wink*…their attention span/ interest lasts for at most 5 minutes. Oh! And you cannot linger in the lingerie section no matter how much the laces and the satins beckon you!!

Group Hugs. Let me rephrase - bear hugs. Hearty, uninhibited affection. Cure for everything.

Collective drooling and sighing over Johnny Depp, Richard Gere, Hugh Jackman, George Clooney, Arjun Rampal, Rahul Bose, etc etc etc (yes babe, Farhan Akhtar too!).

Get-togethers without beer!

Crying without being embarrassed and comforted by the fact that the other person actually knows exactly what’s hurting us.

Lastly, I’m sorry boys but…NOT addressing each other (oh-so-casually) with filthy cusses. Oh wait. NOT cussing while talking for let‘s say 10 minutes!! (come on boys, admit it…you all do it!). Oh no, mister, I’m not done yet! I miss going through one day, ONE DAY without hearing a bathroom joke or a reference to some bathroom activity!

Well…these are just a few of the gazillions things I miss. I just listed down the things I miss most right now.

I miss you girlies…
Pearl
Mou
Piu di
Babe
Shakun

Momentarily...

2009-03-28T09:00:00.000+05:30

A gust of cool breeze

On a still summer night-

Suddenly delightful,

Lifting my soul in your flight.

I breathe you in

To keep you a little longer;

But you slip through my being,

And I’m alone, yet a little stronger.

Heard in the silence...

2009-03-24T08:14:00.008+05:30

Shamelessly expressed,

yet mysteriously hidden so-

Words scattered carelessly,

Tears now threatening to show.

Here I stand before you

Barer than ever before -

I sold my soul to emptiness

Hope- I have no more.

I turn my face away from you,

To not see you turning your back on me;

I dry my tears as fast as I can-

Before you can pretend not to see.

I fiercely hold my words back,

Before you can act aloof;

And drown myself in irrelevance

My scars, the only remaining proof.

I watch you sleep blissfully

While I die a little each day,

I close my eyes and speak to the silence

Of everything you didn’t let me say.

Best friends?

2009-01-23T08:33:00.003+05:30

To,
You know who you are

I've lived quite a while in a heart aching guilt, for you are my best friend. You're the one person I knew I could turn to no matter what. I did not hurt you intentionally...I thought you knew that...no, you told me you knew. We'd promised that we'd always put our friendship above all feelings and yet you failed. For the past few months, I've been trying so hard to just get my best friend back while you've only been difficult- like an stubborn, selfish child whose candy has been snatched. What you did that day was the last straw. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to live in this fantasy that our friendship is unique. It is not. It's driven by your own selfish motive. I've realized that the only reason you even want to remain friends with me is because you want something out of me.

So from now on, I will stop. I'm not going to let you drive me into feeling guilty all the time. We both made mistakes...but I took all the responsibility to make amendments. Now you go ahead and do something so vile, so hateful...it makes my blood boil when I think about it. Yes, you're right when you say that we both hurt each other but you're sadly wrong when you say I don't have the rights to be angry at you. You know why? Because one of us didn't hurt the other one intentionally...guess who that was!?

I'm done feeling guilty. I'm done believing you.You can brood and sulk all alone now.

Good luck.
N.

Bliss

2009-01-17T22:57:00.004+05:30

8th Jan, 2009

So well, after attending to phone calls all night (and early morning), at around 7:45 am, I decided there was really no point trying to sleep. So, after rolling around in my super-cozy blanket a few more times, I dragged myself out of bed. Then I helped myself to a breakfast of a hearty chunk of extra gooey chocolate cake with a generous dollop of whipped cream *heaven*. Then I danced my way to the shower and of course the water was just luxuriously warm. THEN I spent almost an hour and half with my deliciously-red-good-enough-to-eat Pomegranate Body Polish and almost-reminds-me-of-Hawaii Coconut and Almond Oil Hair Conditioner... and an additional half an hour with my sweetly scented (with a hint of vanilla) Brazil Nut Body Butter.

Final touch: the zesty, spicy, musky, oh-so-aptly-named Fuel For Life Unlimited by Diesel.

Ah. Bliss. I love being the birthday girl.

Tagged!

2008-12-18T00:41:00.002+05:30

Got this from Aditya - The Lover's blog. Rules are simple...whoever reads this, (please) reply to the questions in the comments section and put up the questions in your blog and see what people have to say about you!
You can be honest :)...I wont bite (or will I! *evil laugh*)

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3.Something I have and you want?
4.Give me a nick name and explain why you picked it.
5.Describe me in one word.
6.What was your first impression of me?
7.Do you still think that way about me now?
8.What reminds you of me?
9.If you could ever give me one thing, what would it be?
10.How well do you know me?
11.How do you see me in the future?
12. Something you wanted to tell me but couldn't.
13.Are you going to put this on your blog to see what I say about you?

Would you?

2008-12-09T07:37:00.006+05:30

Would you care if I was afraid,

Would you see it in my eyes?

Would it matter if I couldn’t sleep,

Would you hear my muffled cries?

What if I poured my heart out…

Would you take me in your arms?

Would you leave me alone and helpless?

Would you let me do myself any harm?

Would you listen if I had complains,

Would you pretend not to hear?

Would it be a waste of your time,

Would you much rather not be near?

Would you for once not get angry,

Knowing that I get scared?

Would you calm me down instead,

And not let my soul be bared?

Would you care no matter what?

Even if I pushed you away…

Would you know what I really want?

Would you know I need you to stay?

Would you care enough to find out,

Would you care enough to know?

All the words I’ll never tell,

All the things I’ll never show...

Unknowingly...

2008-12-03T02:32:00.005+05:30

It isn't too difficult to win my heart,

I'm not too hard to woo...

I'm worried for your inclination

For you know not what you do.

It's so easy to hold on to your words

But I'm too afraid to want to;

This isn't the first time...

You know not what you do.

Ridiculously Random

2008-11-14T19:55:00.006+05:30

There is a round black man standing before me discussing migration in the UK. I don’t understand and I’m not interested. I’m bored, tensed and sleepy. I have four assignments pending and the submission date seems to be nearing at the speed of light. Do I research the supermarkets in Britain or do I research 2012 Olympics? What the F are the Golden Rules of the F'ing Fiscal Policy??

Hmmm…I’m bored. SO! Following from my ridiculously popular post Radically Random, I present….drum roll please….some more crap.

I got glasses. After having perfect vision for 22 years, I got glasses! Why God why!!

I’ve been cursed by the Gods of Energy Conservation. My current accommodation has only 3 lights.

Mental note: stab the loud, annoying bastard sitting in front of me.

My favourite word is Serendipity. Does it not just feel like it dances off your lips!

I’m starting to fear burger and fries.

I have this insane, illogical fear of stairs.

Has anybody heard Joshua Radin?

It’s said that people with stubby fingers tend to be very violent….criminals mostly. Umm…I strongly disagree.

I love purple.

My accountancy professor is Greek and 6’4”. *smirk*

I’m a clumsy twat. I’m a walking, talking disaster. I drop almost everything I touch.

I haven’t spotted a single lizard in London. *touch wood. Thank God!*

You cannot escape Himesh Reshamiya anywhere. Nowhere in the world I tell you!

My oldest piece of stationary is a red, table top pencil sharpener. I've had it since I was 7.

I hate beer.

I want to travel to Switzerland and buy a fabulous, expensive set of Swiss knives.

Round black man calls me Nee-a/Naaiya/Naai (?!!)/ Neigh-ha. Is it that difficult to pronounce Neha??

It snowed here on Diwali.

London hasn’t had a white Christmas in about the last 10 years.

20 minutes left for this boring lecture to get over.

My drunken housemate flushed down a wiping cloth. Plumbing cost – 130 pounds. I wish he had thrown up in the cab instead...that would cost only a fine of 50 pounds.

Where’s the party tonight? Heehe…I don’t know why I typed that out.

I wonder how Quantum of Solace could even qualify as a Bond movie!

Why do some people ask so many questions? Mental note: stab the serial question asker too.

My Russian neighbor made Turkish wraps for me yesterday. I think I’ll send her something Chinese…

My new laptop is just so cute!

I need to buy a fabulous pair of boots.

I dislike being called “Bong”. I’m Bengali. Thank you very much.

I’m so glad George Bush is out of the picture.

I like adding a dash of salt and pepper in my lemon tea. So what!

If you have dimples, I automatically like you.

I came across a website which required me to press a button to confirm I am human. Hahaha…this is all that was left to see!

I have a terrible migraine problem.

I take way too many painkillers. I should probably stop.

Round black man just said I’m unusually quiet today. *snigger*

I should probably get back to class… more later!

Hmm I just typed in 525 words.

Oh! I just added new music to my blog. Did anyone notice?? The second song is by Joshua Radin.

546 words.

Of London and lovers...

2008-11-12T07:29:00.002+05:30

Ok. So here’s the scoop.

London weather is officially the most depressing. The women here make me wish I was a few inches taller…a few inches narrower…a little more poised…oh what the heck! I stick out like a sore thumb! The good news is – nobody gives a damn. I don’t either. Well at least not most of the times. Strangers barely make eye contact, and yet are polite when you ask for directions or even share a little joke. The pubs here rock! But I still don’t like beer. I think I’m becoming more of a Rum and Coke person.

It’s scary and exciting - staying away from home for the first time. I think we’re all a little more capable than we think we are. Little realizations make life so much simpler…like oil stains are a bitch to get rid of (haahaha…though it doesn’t make life simpler, it does keep me more alert when I’m cooking!!). Well ok…love is overrated. It’s a hope you build in your hearts and top it up with oodles and oodles of silliness. And then at the end your world falls apart, your heart breaks and you get hurt and cry and all that jazz. Drama…a whole lot of drama. And yet I keep going back to him…to get my heart broken over and over again…hoping this time will be different. The funny thing is…this time is different. So different in fact, that I can’t even relate to it anymore…I feel ordinary and unloved…undesirable. I feel like an old favourite clothing that we’ve grown out of and yet keep tucked away in our wardrobes. I don’t have the strength to protect my heart anymore…I care lesser and lesser about how much it hurts and thus lack the enthusiasm to write it out. I let it be…leave my heart to fight it out on its own or die trying.

It’s a strange, strange situation…I feel helpless and empowered all at once. I know I will be hurt and yet I care too little. Well what other choices do you have if the only person you can turn to in a strange country is the person hurting you?

snif snif

2008-09-12T22:57:00.002+05:30

My first blog award!

Thank you so much Arjun…I’m truly honoured! It’s wonderful when you find out that others can relate to your writing…
Well! Here are the blogs I like to read –

Tia - I'm so so so very proud to have such a brilliant writer as my best friend.

Sindhu - With Lion King splashed in the background, you can only expect joy from this blog! Whenever I read her posts, I have this insanely goofy grin plastered to my face and this girl never disappoints!

The Lover - If you've ever been in love, this blog will get to you. It'll stir your soul and get you thinking more about what he has NOT written.

Arjun - A must visit if you like fiction...his stories are original, light-hearted and humor is just right.

Sandeep - If you think his writing is good, you should see his photographs...here

Homer Simpson - is what I know this blogger as! His use of words is just scrumptious...and the content - uninhibited, deep and powerful.

Now, for those who don't know what to do...display the award on your blog and let us know who your favourite bloggers are with their links. And don't forget to inform them!

Thank you once again...Arjun and everyone who visit my blog :)

VI - D

2008-09-11T23:49:00.000+05:30

I know this post will hardly make sense to most of the readers here but I need to write this…to honour a part of my life that has made me who I am today and given me the strength and confidence to shed all insecurities and inhibitions and put my best foot forward – Class VI-D.

We all came from different sections…randomly picked from three sections and bound by norms rather than affection. Come lunch break, we’d all split into tiny groups and run to the sections we’d known for the last seven years. We didn’t have the freedom to sit with our “section people” and I disliked the girl who sat beside me and the feeling was rather mutual. She was a vegetarian who didn’t like the fact that I had non vegetarian food in my lunch box. Even though our desks were joined, we’d consciously maintain this invisible border which was not to be crossed. Then there was this girl behind me who laughed so loud that she’d put Santa Clause to shame! The big, tall girl who I’d seen around school and who I’d assumed was a bully was also in the same class. My “section friends”, even though in the same class were nowhere near my seat. Everyone seemed so alien…there was a girl who stammered, but seemed sweet…her friend seemed anything but sweet! The new girl from class V, who bragged way too much and butted into everything, was also in the same class…oh, then there was the school’s yoga-girl…a girl with Einstein-hair…a girl who wore studs in only one ear…there was even a girl who looked like Johnny Lever(!!!)…and a dozen others I had neither seen nor heard about before. TWO girls in the class had the same name as mine…it was a nightmare. To top it all, we had this old woman as our class teacher who had made it her life’s mission to keep us away from our original sections...she restricted us from running off to our old sections during breaks, shuffled our seating arrangements periodically and forced us into group activities. I didn’t like her one bit.

I don’t remember the exact moment or incident but it seemed like the woman’s persistence conquered us. All of us started mingling and discovered that we had more in common than we thought. I think we all learnt to be a little less judgemental and a little more accepting. It turned out that the girl beside me and another girl in the class learnt dance from the same teacher who taught me as well. The girl who stammered turned out to be the sweetest singer and was impossible to anger…even if I made her sing “My heart will go on” all through the lunch break. She is now one of my best friends – a brilliant writer who can probably talk her way out of trouble! Her friend turned out to be rather sensitive and she has the softest hair which she’d let me mess up anytime I wanted. She became my other best friend- a rare, wonderful blend of critic and confidante. Einstein-hair was a laughter riot and we had so much to talk about! She is currently my walking, talking dictionary of music/movies/books. The new girl was no longer annoying; instead she was rather sweet and a powerhouse of energy! Johnny Lever and her friends became fans of my lunch and I thought our Johnny Lever was funnier than the original one.The tall girl I assumed to be a bully, turned out to be easy going and cheerful; infact her house became our regular den! Then there’s a very special girl whose ingenious community which still helps us stay in touch from all parts of the world, inspired me to write this humongous article…back in school she believed she was 2 millimeters taller every morning…heehehe. And another girl I hardly knew became my drool-over-Cole buddy…her wit and intelligence, a class apart.

The earliest memory I have of us bonding was Teacher’s day. Despite being a good dancer, I’d always been a little apprehensive about coming forward and taking the lead because I was probably afraid that people wouldn’t think I was as good as I thought I was. But VI-D was magical. The girl who used to sit beside me, who didn’t like me much, whom I didn’t like much…put me in the lead. Together we choreographed (my 1^st choreography) “Cotton-eye Joe”…made up strange names for steps to make it easier to remember…decided formations and practiced together during breaks and after school. For the first time in my school life, I was being recognised for a talent I was so proud of and it felt wonderful. That year, my class-mates also made me deliver my first (impromptu) solo performance for one of the teachers I was most afraid of…yes, I was mortified but at the end of the performance, I received the most wonderful gift – a hug from the very same teacher.

That year was also our class teacher’s last year of teaching before she retired…and what a mark she had left in our hearts. On the last day of class, all of us went out to our junior classes and consoled the girls who were as horrified with the thought of section D as we were a year before.

We all bonded with each other more in that one year than we had in the past seven years. Section D was probably the only section where we didn’t have any kind of groupism…where every little talent was cherished, every occasion celebrated…where every single girl was rediscovered in a new light. Over the years, the bonds in Section-D only became stronger and our unity reflected in all our activities. Section-D produced the highest number of Vice-captains and prefects and some of the most brilliant students of our batch. It might be something too insignificant for the school to acknowledge and honour…but for Section D, it’ll always be remembered.

Everyone’s come such a long way now- some pursuing their dreams, some discovering new ones…making it difficult to stay in touch constantly. Amongst everyone, I have probably drifted away the furthest – never by choice, but by my incapability to balance my dual life. Yes, I choose the words dual life because college for me has been a complete detour…the oddness of it taking me completely away from my cherished school life. Where school had been about opening up and being nothing but myself, college was about forming walls and protecting myself. But never for once has the importance of my friends from VI-D been diminished in my life. I know, I talk non-sense and make a total ass of myself around you all…but I fail to express myself when I require it the most. I feel overwhelmed when I think about a promise we’d made in the turn of the new century, way back in VIII-D…it seemed so distant and unrealistic then, but today, just 2 years away from the plan actually materialising…it is only the most anticipated event!

May God bless all of you and may the magic of VI-D remain in our lives forever…

Saturday

2008-08-25T04:28:00.015+05:30

Saturday

23^rd September, 2006

There was a loud screech and before he could understand anything, he was surrounded by shards of glass, twisted metal and the smell of burnt rubber. Then a sharp pain jabbed him in his ribs and he could taste blood…he tried to move but his limbs betrayed him. He had to call for help but his cell phone was nowhere in sight…he mouthed a bleak “help” but even he couldn’t hear his own voice. It was so dark and the trees blocked every bit of light…everything seemed to freeze around him. He could feel his heart beat faster, his head reeled with all the unfinished work…all the promises he wouldn’t be able to keep…the smiles he would no longer see…the tears he'd no longer wipe…the touch he’d no longer feel…

His entire life unfolded in front of his eyes...did she know how much he loved her? That she’d always been on his mind since the day he’d seen her? He had to tell her that the only reason why he wasn’t listening to her complain that day was because he couldn't stop thinking how incredibly beautiful she looked with that tiny droplet of water trickling down from her wet hair to her glistening, red cheeks…

He loved hearing her hum along with the radio when she was cooking…he looked forward to it everyday while coming back from work. But, did she know? He desperately wanted to tell her that she wasn’t a bad singer at all…her voice was mesmerizing…

She needed to know how sorry he was for screaming at her last month…it was only a car! He should’ve told her how relieved he was that she was unhurt. He wanted to let her know how much he hated himself for all the times he screamed at her...given another chance, he’d correct himself…just ONE chance…

He wasn’t ungrateful…he thanked God everyday for her presence in his life. He was so grateful to her for standing by his side through his difficult times…for holding him even when he pushed her away…for understanding when he needed to be alone…for never forcing him to go shopping with her…for not asking him to run any errands during cricket matches…for picking up after him everyday for the last four years! How he wished he would’ve held her once and thanked her out loud…

She needed to know that he wasn’t jealous of her success…he was only frustrated with his failure. He was proud of her, very very proud. He was sorry for the time he snapped at her and asked her not to talk about work…he wished with all his heart now that she hadn’t obeyed. He had seen the sadness in her eyes…he should’ve apologised right then.

The only reason why he got angry when she cut her hair was because he would miss the way her hair picked up the breeze and gently grazed his face when they went out for their walk every night…the way it fell on her face when she slept, he would miss pushing that particular lock of hair away from her face in the middle of the night when he got up for a glass of water. He cursed himself for being angry…she looked beautiful anyway!

He had to explain that never for once he suspected her or doubted her love…it was only that colleague he didn’t trust; he wished she’d seen that bastard’s dirty gaze! Like a fool, he had taken out his anger on her, as if it was her fault....how he wished he could tell her it wasn't. God, he loved how simple she was…how she wouldn’t think ill about anyone…he was worried that it would be this simplicity of hers that would put her in harm’s way…

She was the only reason why he looked forward to coming back home from work for the last seven years...how would she ever know now...

He gasped for air as he felt a sharp pain shooting up to his head; but that felt like nothing compared to the pain he felt in his soul for not being able to tell her how much he loved her...how desperately he wanted her back...

His heart broke with the thought that she'd be waiting and how he'd disappoint her again...his grip tightened around the letter, now soaked in his blood, as he breathed his last…

My love…

I know you love me; I can still feel it in my heart…the very heart which is now very confused as to why its only companion is so lost, so changed…I have nobody in this world but you and it pains me so much to see our love die each day…

Seven years back we promised to resolve every fight with a hug. We promised we’d sort it out in between kisses (“if we pull away”, is what you used to say)...every time we have a fight now and you push me away, I wonder if you’ve forgotten. No...I KNOW you’ve forgotten.

Too much has been taken for granted…too much has been forgotten, put aside. So I must do this for that forgotten love…I know you’ll never realise unless I go away. Know it within your heart that I will never stop loving you. Take as much time as you need and come to me only when you’re certain. I’ll wait for you…every Saturday, where we first met…just like old times.

…Forever yours

More than meets the eye...

2008-08-23T06:23:00.013+05:30

I've had this little stone for about 9/10 years now. I found it in a pile of stone chips in Thailand and imagine a twelve year old's excitement in finding a 'heart' amidst lifeless stones. I immediately fell in love with it...the shape - the delicate heart-shape...the colours - a blend of fiery shades of red, like a fire burning in our hearts...the feel of it in my hand - smooth and cold at first, but warm as soon as I place it on my palm...and then the crack down its centre - almost as if it was left there deliberately to remind us that a broken heart can never be mended without leaving a permanent scar behind. Yet it stood out so bright - as if to tell us to never lose faith in love and that love comes to us when and where we least expect it and in the oddest forms...we just need to look beyond the disguise. Of course, these are not the thoughts that crossed my mind when I was twelve (!!)...just the lessons it seems to have taught me over the past couple of years.

As to why I'm sharing this completely invalid piece of information...I was just going through some random blogs and found out that a"Heart Rock" is basically any rock that's naturally shaped like a heart. Owing to its uncommonness and (obviously) the lovely shape, it is collected quite enthusiastically. Read THIS

True Calling

2008-08-22T01:38:00.000+05:30

We’re all just a figment of our imagination. The strong ones have the courage to imagine boundlessly and the one’s who can’t, fall weak.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all understand this simple fact? We make our own personalities…we take in all the qualities we want to and leave out the ones we don’t like. So why do we not have the strength to look outside of ourselves, outside of our cocoon and be something we thought we could never be! We live life following examples, running after what a billion others are pursuing…sometimes even forgetting what it is that we’re after. I think we all have a True Calling but most of us choose not to hear it, afraid of the hardships we might have to face, afraid of what people might think…so we hide it somewhere where even we won’t find it. Then live our lives pretending like it never happened…we work harder, earn more money, find solace in our loved ones…and secretly hope that someday all this will fill the void.

P.S. ‘Life is a song’ by Patrick Park is what I was listening to when I decided to write this article.

P.P.S. It’s the 2^nd song that plays while you’re going through my blog… :)

Pardoxes of love: The Clueless Clairvoyant

2008-08-11T09:42:00.012+05:30

The Idealist
The Pragmatist
The Clueless Clairvoyant.

TI: Let’s float on clouds, spread wings and fly!
TP: Let’s work for now or tomorrow we’ll cry.
TI: Who cares for tomorrow, forever we shall be...
TP: Oh come on! There is no such thing as eternity.

TI: I’ll leave it to luck; time will take care of it all,
TP: Waiting around will only cause our downfall.
TI: I have big ambitions – a secret I can’t reveal
TP: I must! I must show the world I have the zeal!

TI: My life is complicated because I won’t speak
TP: Speaking isn’t simpler! It’s a listening ear I seek.
TI: I cry alone and to the world I always smile
TP: I haven’t done either in quite a while.

TI: I know you’re my destiny, the love of my life…
TP: There’s so much heartache, so much strife!
TI: Close your eyes; you’ll be untouched by grief
TP: Don’t be foolish! We must resolve each tiff.
TI: All that matters is how the journey ends
TP: In the journey it’s important to make amends!
TI: I have faith; therefore I don’t need to hear
TP: Like the rest, you too turned a deaf ear…

TI: You can’t hurt me; I’ve decided I can feel no more,
TP: The tears will no longer stop, my heart feels sore.
TI: Not now- we have forever to come back on track
TP: What’s lost is lost- time will never come back…

Every time they meet,they will be weak
And tread into a familiar maze
They will laugh, they will cry,
And will even get lost in each other’s gaze…
They will always silently understand
Even the other’s unspoken secrets
And even from a thousand miles away,
Sense it if the other frets.
All their lives they’ll need each other –
A truth they had learnt early on
How then can they change this dreaded habit,
Now that the magic is all gone?
They’ll never be like any other we know-
Who turn away and never look back;
Even when they'll be apart,
They’ll fill in where the other may lack.
They don’t care what well-wishers think,
What consequences they shall see;
Even if they are apart,
In some way together they will always be.
I know…I know that time will come;
Till then both of you listen to me…
I believe in my heart of hearts,
I believe together you both shall be.

~CC

P.S.....thank you for the title. You know who you are :)

2008-08-10T03:55:00.003+05:30

Am I just being too naive...are people really right about you? Or do I just know you so well that I don't need to listen to others? I can't decide anymore...my belief in you seems so shaken. I've fought for you all the time but this time I'm failing miserably. My heart refuses to accept that you of all people could be calculative. Yes, you did catch me at my weakest time...and you knew very well that I needed you more than anyone else....and you, as every other time, were there for me. I don't want to believe that was out of motive...I didn't see it then, it seemed to me like you were giving me time and space to consider your feelings...but instead, everything you told me, everything you did made me weaker and for the first time in my life I was insecure. At such a juncture, I just couldn't bear the thought of losing my best friend. I've never been insecure or jealous...could that mean something? I decided too quickly that it did.
I understand how you feel and why you might have calculated your moves...but does that make it right? I don't know. I was so dazed, your "plan" worked perfectly on me...but is it right to lay out a trap to "lure in" the one you love? I don't know that either. You know me better than anybody else...how will I ever believe that everything that is happening is not calculated? How will I believe that you won't continue playing on my weaknesses?
If the fear of losing the one you love makes you think and device foolproof plans...then I'm not even sure if you can call it love...

Radically Random

2008-07-17T21:56:00.004+05:30

Type and delete, type and delete...the process will happen at least 5 times before we finally continue. Even when we know what we want to write, the first sentence is always the most difficult to write. Oh common people...I know it happens with you too!

My room has 25 lights. Seriously.

The wall behind my bed is of a shade named Peanut Butter. I love the colour, I hate peanut butter. I hate peanuts.

I have exactly 176 CDs. I don't like sharing them. I think I'll take 'em all with me to London. Maybe I'll leave behind my BSB CDs...

I love post-its. I have green, pink, yellow, mauve and blue ones.

There's an empty(autographed) vodka bottle in my bedside drawer. There are 20 drawers in my room. ha ha. Really.

If you hate me, light an incense stick in my room. It triggers my migraine instantly. Oh, or just play Himesh Reshamiya.

Only a lizard can make me vacate my room. Neha and lizards can't be in the same room. No amount of yelling/laughing/mocking can make me change my mind.

I rub noses with a beanie(a sombre, palm sized pup named Tracker) when I'm thoughtful.

My blanket is 20 years old. One of the edges now has a hole in it...I slip my tiny toe into it...strangely comforting. I can't part with it, no way.

I have a thing for knives. *evil grin*

I can't swim.

I can roll my tongue. No no...don't laugh. Everybody can't do it, it's hereditary.

I'm obsessively particular about the cleanliness of my bathroom. Except for the shower cubicle, there shouldn't be any water anywhere else. Even my sink counter (all glass) must stay dry.

Our Food Safety professor was a prejudiced moron. He threw me out of class once for NO reason..."distraction among the boys at the back" is the excuse he provided. I was glad, the class was too boring anyway.

I wonder if T still has my Vice-Captain badge...

I lost the Captaincy elections in school by ONE vote. That was the only time I cried in public. Well, ok not exactly...I went to the washroom and cried, the public found me.

I wanted to become the Cultural Secretary of our college, I became the Joint Secretary instead.

I am good at giving advice. Not so good at taking it though.

Usual first impressions of me is that I'm snobbish. I break everybody's myth about first impressions.

I'm not bored anymore, Ghost Whisperer's starting...

Letting go of you..

2008-07-14T19:46:00.000+05:30

It's difficult to just let go and move on. I can lie to the entire world but I can't lie to myself. I haven't forgotten anything...I live each day fighting memories, fighting back the tears that follow next. I tell myself that it's over, of course it is! I ended it...then why is so difficult! I don't want to hold on to anything. Nothing at all. Not just the bad memories but the good memories as well. It makes me weak. I don't want to see you smile, your dimples make me weak. I know with time I can probably undo all the hurt you've caused me...but how do I undo the joy you brought to me? I can fight the pain, but I get overpowered, outnumbered by the joyous memories. Don't get me wrong...I don't want to forget, I just want to be indifferent. But then there's this small voice tucked away in my heart which keeps telling me that it wont happen.I can't say I'm still in love with you...
I can't say I'm not.

The only thing that hurts more than being with you, is letting you go from my heart.

Sisters

2008-06-29T01:58:00.004+05:30

I thought you know how much I love you
So that you know you can turn to me,
Believe that I can solve all your problems
Because I've been through them too.
I don't want to obstruct your growth,
I know you have to learn your way;
But how can I stop worrying about you -
The little girl I've seen grow night and day.
I miss seeing you grin all day long
And never go to your room even when you were told;
Now you choose to keep your door locked,
And not come out till your dinner turns cold.
I wish you wouldn't trust people so easily,
I know how it feels at your age...
I know you hate me when I stand in the the way,
But to protect you, I shall bear your rage.
I know friends are all important for you now,
And it feels like only they can understand you;
But believe me there's nothing like family,
Believe me I've been through this time too.
I was your age not too long back,
So I know everything you're going through;
I just wish you'd have more faith in me,
I would never mean any harm to you.
I'm proud of what you are today
A lot collected than I was back then,
You're beautiful and so very talented -
In my books you'd always get a perfect ten.
Let arrogance not hide what's there to see -
There is a lot of love waiting for you;
You may not see it right away sis,
But your big sister I shall always be.

Venting

2008-06-26T14:15:00.000+05:30

In my college at the moment, waiting for some lazy government office clerks to type out some very important papers for me. It's 20 minutes past their lunchtime and they still refuse to move a finger!! It's frustrating...waiting for over three hours now and I swear I've never wanted to whack someone so badly!
Oh but wait!this isn't where my frustration begun...no Sir-ie! Our (not-so-)beloved principal (after a lot of reminders) promised to keep my letter ready today. If you're guessing that he didn't keep it ready, you're obviously right. duh. wait. that isn't all. The dimwit is out of town for another 2 weeks!! So...more running about, and thank God for small miracles...I found other faculty members who could execute the work for me.
But alas...it's all come down to this one lazy, repulsive, barely 5' clerk who apparently needs time to digest every single grain that's gone in his stomach...
Another 15 minutes...and then he's toast!

Almost there.

2008-06-26T08:07:00.004+05:30

I just realised that in all my emotional angst I overlooked the fact that I am actually this close to striking off two things from my Wish List...

(1) Do my masters abroad
London. No, I am not against the Indian education system, nor do I have anything against my country. It's only a wish I've harboured since a long time now. I want to explore a new continent/country/city/culture...be on my own for sometime. So, peace.

(2) Get a butterfly tattoo (Originally meant to be my first)
I have the design finalised, so I hope to get it get it inked soon. Butterfly tattoos signify freedom, change and growth...three words that pretty much sum up my life right now. Maybe this was the Greater reason why the butterfly was not meant to be my first tattoo...

Of course, there are a few other wishes and I'm confident I'll strike 'em all off my list one day. For now, these are it.

*smile*

2008-06-17T03:03:00.002+05:30

Tonight is one of those nights when I really need to write but I can't get the words out.
It's hurting so bad, I want to cry because I know it'll make me feel lighter. I can't. I feel so numb that even the tears wont flow.There's a blunt ache in my being that refuses to go away...

Maybe we were...

2008-06-16T03:29:00.002+05:30

Too consumed to see
Too numb to feel
Too angry to touch
Too hurt to heal

Too shy to talk
Too engulfed to hear
Too busy to call
Too far to be near

Too certain to renew
Too weak to try
Too afraid to ask
Too proud to cry

Too ashamed to admit
Too stubborn to need
Too upset to smile
Too arrogant to plead

Too hard to crack
Too stupid to realise
Too lifeless to act
Too late to love back..

Thank you for finally being the person I knew once upon a time. I never hated you, never even tried to...you have too much goodness in you to overlook.
Be happy.Please.

2008-06-07T03:53:00.000+05:30

Why can’t you just accept the fact that I am better off now? I feel so much stronger. Stop making me feel guilty with your sentimental one-liners. I do have a heart and it does get affected. Not because I love you, but because I’m a good human being. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you but you’ve hurt me too…and did you ever apologise? You’ve hurt me in such ways that I can’t even confide in anyone…why? Because I do care what people will think of you. I have no way to heal any of the pain you’ve caused me…every time that it does cross my mind, I pray that time will make it go away.
You accused me several times of having lost faith in you, but tell me…why did I lose it in the first place and more importantly, did you honestly ever try to restore it?
You were a part of every aspect of my life, except the part which involved only you and me…things don’t magically get better…ignorance does not make problems disappear. Life becomes more complicated with age and time…and so do problems. You kept putting off discussions to “when the time is right”…was it ever? So much so that I got used to it, knowing how much damage it was doing to me, to us. But then again, could I ever win over your temper? I don’t know how time went by after that but I panicked the day I realised that I couldn’t talk about what was hurting me even when I was desperately trying to...at least not with a deadline of the “next 5 seconds”. You asked me to speak without the fear of consequences…but how do you talk when the person you’re talking to makes it crystal clear that they aren’t listening? And I’m sorry, but with you consequences were too severe…I had to fear them.
You do not punish the people you love to teach them lessons! I’ve always wanted to tell you that. How could you just take it upon yourself to “prepare” me for an unseen (supposedly difficult) future by intentionally making my life inconvenient? When you love someone, you try to make your lover’s life as uncomplicated as possible…you should make your lover feel like no harm can ever touch her in your presence. That’s security to me.
I gave you the rights to hurt me...remember how I used to tell you initially that for all the love you gave me, a little bit of hurt was alright? I was wrong. I think you misunderstood and exercised your rights to the fullest…
I lost my power of expression because of you…if I’m writing so much now; it is to rediscover that lost part of me. I became impractical and obsessive…I became my own worst nightmare. I’m trying to undo all of that…if you can’t help me, please at least don’t stand in the way.
I haven’t cried since a long time now and it feels wonderful. I have the rights to feel that way…and so do you. What we had was very special, very close to my heart...I’m sorry you can’t remember any of the good times. I always will. Please don’t try to take that away from me…
Be happy. Strangely my happiness still includes you.

Epilogue

2008-06-05T01:57:00.004+05:30

Dated : 11/02/08

I wonder what it would be like
To wake up one day and forget all words,
Have no way to express myself
And go through life ignored and unheard..
Or maybe say everything you need to say,
Thinking, hoping, praying it will suffice,
And then be met with aloofness..
At most a meaningless apology -
full of sentiments as warm as ice.
I wonder if love is not just a feeling,
But also an unstated license to hurt..
A license to empower the one you love
To mould you into someone he can like
I wonder why 'flaws' can't stay with me
And be as accepted as everything else..
Please don't tell me I'm inferior to you -
I won't accompany you in belittling myself.

2008-05-10T06:32:00.000+05:30

Wow it's been so long since I've posted anything.Well I could just say I was busy but that wouldn't be the entire truth. Yes, I've been busy but I've also been running away from reality...I almost didn't want to face myself, and that's what I'm supposed to do when I write..right?
A lot has happened, details of which I'd much rather leave out...but I'm sure the ones who care will figure out by the end of this post...
I'm strangely relaxed...it's been long since I've been driven to tears just for the sake of love. My pillow now remains dry at night. I don't know helplessness anymore. No longer do I have to worry about begging someone not to spoil my few moments of joy. I'm certain I'll be abandoned a lot lesser now. I will no longer be told that I'm inferior. I'm fearless now. No more begging to be heard. I shall never be asked to shut up when I need to speak out. The phone will never be hung up intentionally when I do speak out. I wont always have to think before I speak. Consequences wont be half as bad. I wont miss sarcasm. Mockery will not be missed either. Apologies will be heard more often. Happiness will have multiple factors rather than a constant. Self respect isn't lost anymore. I found it in courage. I'm making changes happen. Quick.

Yes,a lot shall be missed in a good way. But, life has too much too offer and I don't intend to miss out anymore.

When words fail me..

2007-09-03T01:36:00.000+05:30

It's both fascinating and frustrating what distance can do to lovers. At times we don't speak what's in our hearts, afraid we'll spoil the "illusion"...the illusion of everything being fine and just the way they were, that the distance really doesn't make a difference; the other times we supress our thoughts, scared that we will become weak, scared that distance will win the battle that we've been fighting for so long. Words are all important and it becomes increasingly difficult when you know that the hurt your words cause can never be undone with a touch or the look that usually says it all.

"I love you" sometimes becomes a compensation, sometimes a manifestation of our guilt..."When words fail me" is no longer a good thing...

The smiles

2007-05-17T05:32:00.000+05:30

I've spent the last three years cursing my college and almost everything about it.
These are the people who made it worthwhile...

Isn't it wonderful how you always remember every little story behind every single photograph??

My reality

2007-05-14T05:13:00.000+05:30

I had a dream.

I was in Mumbai again. He and I were walking down the road where we used to take our midnight stroll - the same road I’d fallen in love with during my visit…the field, so much bigger without the children and the chaatwalas…the trees bathed in a warm yellow glow from the street lights…the hushed-up murmurs of the security guards – their faces smiling in relief on spotting familiar faces…the noise of traffic so afar…
Moonlit sky and just a slight breeze that made me snuggle up to him. As always, he put his arm around my waist.
He smiled.
(*sigh*…the dimple.)
We didn’t speak. We didn’t need to speak.
I don’t think we were intent on reaching anywhere at all…

For you...

2007-05-05T06:46:00.000+05:30

I’m uninspired and couldn’t care lesser. I have GOT to study, I even want to study…so I sit with my books and pick up a pen. Well, that’s about it. *note to myself: PROCEED!

I miss the late night whispers
From the one voice I’m so used to;
I miss the silly, cute voices,
I just simply miss you.
I miss seeing you smile
And the dimple that followed next,
I miss the ‘mid-lecture stares’
And the hearts doodled on every text.
I miss the very brazen flirting-
Unaware and ignorant of everything!
I miss that look in your eyes
I miss the blush that it would bring.
I miss the accidental brush on my arms
And all the unexpected endearing words
I even miss listening to your songs
Which, a thousand times I’ve heard!
I miss the way you frown in confusion
And bite your lip in playfulness;
I miss the long comforting hugs
That could kill every ounce of stress.
I know I’ve cursed you countless times,
Cursed the fact that you made me cry
And every time I told you I hated you
I want you to know I told you a lie.
I miss the joy and laughter you brought,
As well as the occasional verbal knives!
I miss the excitement you brought in my life,
Without you I don’t feel quite alive.
I know there’s a lot more to come,
Memories after memories due-
But now I can’t really help myself,
I just simply miss you.

Random Fact About Me :

2007-01-30T17:53:00.000+05:30

Neha usually writes when she is hurt/upset/angry...thus the blog entries are not that frequent.

Burn

2007-01-30T17:49:00.000+05:30

Unforgiving moments
Unforgotten words
I hurt at every thought,
Slowly and slowly I numbly burn.

Your words burn my being
I burn in your love;
I burn in silence…
The silence burns me.

My wounds are out in the open
And yet you pretend not to see,
The ignorance burns my soul
How burnt do I have to be?

I know I’m the one to blame,
I choose to quietly burn…
Is it your fault the fire that engulfs me
Is none other than you?

Wish you were here...

2007-01-19T21:58:00.000+05:30

There are some people in your life that you hardly share details with and yet they understand you so well that they stand by you whenever you need them, no questions asked. I have one such friend. Physically, he’s not present most of the times and when he is here I don’t really think he thinks about anything in depth! YET the few words of wisdom that he imparts unknowingly becomes my strength. Once when I expressed how anxious I was about joining college and my fears about not being accepted, he told me “no matter what you do, you cannot get everyone to love you. Remember that”. Now at the brink of my graduation, that is almost the only thing I can relate to!
I miss him dearly now. I’m upset and confused and my head and my heart hurts. I wish he was here right now to tell me what to do! I know I’m stubborn and twisted but the truth is no one but he can see through that temporary monster. It’s strange and wonderful how somebody can soothe you by just sitting beside you without speaking a word, without checking the watch or without trying to crack silly jokes to “lighten the mood”. It’s strange how it always works. Always.

Confession

2006-12-31T00:50:00.000+05:30

Last day of the year and I’m in a state of confusion. I don’t want to be. I want to snap right out of it and feel alive. I feel guilty for some things I’ve done and yet I’m too angry, too stubborn to apologize for my mistakes. I feel like I’m doing the wrong thing, then again I know I’m doing it for the right cause…
This is my battle…my battle to be understood by the people I love the most. I’m tired of being misunderstood…tired of swallowing my pain so as not to hurt one of you. I want to have the rights to feel upset without being made to feel selfish. I get hurt, I’m human. To protect my pride, I will attack yours. Forgive me for that.
My only wish for the New Year would be that my loved ones see through my anger and see what it is that I’m actually feeling. I know it seems like I’m angry at you most of the times…well, I’m not. I’m only hurt and confused because I don’t know how to tell you.

2006-12-29T21:34:00.000+05:30

Why is it that you never remember the Countless times I've tried Not To OFfeNd you and yet always hang on to the ONE time I failed ?

17th November, '06

2006-11-22T22:11:00.000+05:30

I met this interesting man in a train from Calcutta to Jamshedpur. He was old, probably in his mid 60’s - a humble Bengali gentleman and even though his clothes were shabby, he seemed very decent and respectable. He had a cup of tea with us, accepted the packet of chips we offered; we had a little chit-chat in English…quite obviously educated, he seemed sad and so when we asked him the cause of his grief he only told us what we know already – “it’s all fate. You never know where it’ll take you”. Seeing the cheerful bunch of teenagers suddenly becoming dull, he quickly gave us his blessings and left.

The catch? He was a beggar.

2006-11-09T01:23:00.000+05:30

I was going through my own blog and I realised I've become a depressing, silly little loser *moan*
[Babe : You've always been depressing...what's new?? Princess of Gloom!
Me : Shut up. I've been very happy (almost giddy!) in the last few years. hmpf.]

I'll be better soon, I promise...just the "bad phase" we all hear about, I guess.

P.S...those who didn't understand, don't try. It's not meant for you.

Wit of the staircase

2006-11-08T23:35:00.000+05:30

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could choose not to be affected by anything? What if we were fearless and could say whatever we wanted to say to whosoever, exactly when we wanted to say it…instead of curling up in our comfort blanket and contemplating what we’ll say to them the next day.

I hate being hurt, I hate crying. I wish I could do away with it. How do we undo our emotions? How can we feel strong when nothing goes right? I wonder if the want to be happy makes one a bad person...

I’ve realized that it’s better to swallow pain than talk about it and not be understood. Yes, maybe I’m a selfish bitch who cares a damn about you….but I still do get hurt and it’s not wrong. Yes, little silly things upset me…but that’s what separates me from the others, isn’t it?

Side-effects of job interviews!

2006-11-07T23:19:00.000+05:30

I hate growing up.
I hate having to worry about getting a job.
I hate the fact that in my industry, the slutty, wannabe ass-wipes are doing better.

Yes, maybe I’m jealous and bitter...but I am justified. Some people doing better than me don’t deserve it...simple fact.

People suck. Their mentalities suck.
I hate people suddenly turning into scheming bastards for a simple job.

Where I stand, I see the whole utopian idea of “being a good human being” just vanish into thin air. Suddenly ‘batch mates’ are ‘competitors’ who apparently have nothing better to do than secretly plan about ‘snatching your seat’. God! I feel like I could choke every time someone says “friends” in a Group discussion...you can feel all the sarcasm and hatred just ooze out with that one small, meaningful word.
Barely 21 yr olds interacting with each other just to see how good they are compared to the other...to find each other’s weaknesses (so they know where to attack)...to know each other’s strengths (so they know where NOT to attack)...fighting for jobs...
THAT is what life has finally boiled down to.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to school...when people actually felt good for each other...when I actually had friends who cried with me (Shakun..Ahana, love you guys!)...when people would cheer each other up during stressful times...I could go on and on forever!

Miss everything about everything before college. I hope I can feel so intensely about college someday (seems very unlikely, but I do hope so!)

And yes, I did get a job too.

SOS

2006-09-24T22:27:00.000+05:30

Neha needs a vacation.
I’m sick and tired of college, tired of trying to be at my best behavior, of trying to keep up with the “super-womanly” image I’ve created for myself…..I’m even tired of friends and family. Recently, I’ve been dealing with two kinds of people… (a) People who think I can handle it all and can NEVER screw up, and (b) people who are expecting me to screw up. Either way, I end up losing – I obviously disappoint a lot of those from category (a) and I disappoint myself by trying too hard for those from category (b). If for once I give up, I’m the scum that lives in the dirtiest corner of a pond! I’m selfish and arrogant.
In a social surrounding, I don’t feel it’s constantly necessary to scan people and take out flaws all the time. It’s alright to have a conversation without an ulterior motive. But no! For a certain somebody…that makes me stupid and naïve. It’s not ok to chit-chat with anyone without a purpose.
Blah blah blah…there’s just so much more; I just don’t feel like racking my brains anymore! I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m tired of people telling me I’m wrong. Maybe their “wrong” is just right for me. I’ll learn eventually, maybe…but for now, I just need everyone to back off just a little bit.
Breathe, Neha, breathe…

Breaking News

2006-07-17T23:28:00.000+05:30

Hmm…to be honest, I’m still in a state of shock. For the past one week, I’ve been wondering if I’ll be a part of the committee in college, at the most I was expecting a post as the Cultural Secretary. Finally, the long awaited meeting was held today. Did I become a part of the committee? Yes, I did. Did I become a Cultural Secretary? No, I didn’t. hee ehee… am I upset?? N-O NO! Much to my surprise, I became the Joint Secretary of the college (a.k.a. Vice President)…woah! I don’t think the thought has still sunk in because as RJ puts it, I got a lot more than I was expecting. I think he’s right...
This time I’m genuinely stunned. And honored. And proud…cheers to me :)

Million Dollar Question..

2006-07-09T03:44:00.000+05:30

“What do you do and what would you want to do?”

I wonder how many people would have the same answer for both parts of the question. I don’t. Isn’t it hypocrisy at its supreme?! And the contradiction continues…
I’m a passionate dancer, but, am too scared to give in to it. I know I’m a wonderful dancer but I fear I might not be good enough. I fear I might lose the respect and support of everyone whose lives are attached to mine and yet I know these are the people who will see me through my worst times. So what do I do? I shift my career focus elsewhere. Am I happy about it? Sure, I’m not sad it about it either!
Sometimes while exploring your only dream, you discover newer ones. Maybe not always as good as the old one, but good enough to keep you occupied. That, I guess, is a brief prelude to my story. However, in some dingy corner, a small flickering flame continued to burn…bearing blow after blow and even then, adamant not to fizzle out. Ofcourse, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The old flame is burning with all its might now, almost as if threatening to consume everything that competes with it...if only it had words, I’m sure you would hear too. It finds ways to pull me back to itself, proving once again how in control it is. Yes, I invited it back…but was it ever out of my life to begin with!

Such has been my career shift, that no matter how much I want to, I cannot master two things at one time. I bet even Superwoman wouldn’t challenge me on this one! Do I walk out on a success that is oh-so-close and tread into a world I’ve fantasized about for as long as I can remember? I neither can, nor do I want to answer that one. I’m too practical and yet fiercely passionate. Sadly, passion and practicality are forever at war. Why me? Why do I have so much to lose if I choose to be selfish? Only I know how passionately I feel about dancing…why can’t I let the world know too…
I have decided that there is such a thing as Luck…which obviously pays me a visit at all the wrong times. Besides, how else will you explain less deserving ones ‘playing in the lap of success?

2006-06-30T02:35:00.000+05:30

Natasha Thomas - Skin Deep

listen carefully ladies...then make the boys listen..

psst....check out her earrings!

Moving on...

2006-06-30T00:23:00.000+05:30

Words left where they were
Ended abruptly, in a rush -
For, you said all you could
Till time ran out on me.
I waited and plotted,
Practiced every word I’d say.
I knew I would hurt you,
I waited silently for the day.
Now after a time so long,
When the time is finally right -
I feel strangely unaffected,
I don’t care about any fight.
I don’t need to justify myself;
And least of all, to you…
You don’t matter at all to me,
I’ve moved on, started anew.
If you think there’s more to it -
I wish you can live with yourself
And maybe then find forgiveness;
I don't have any empathy for you,
You only deserve far less…

high profile bitch

2006-06-22T23:19:00.000+05:30

I don’t like her. Period. Simple as that. I refuse to even pretend to like her….she can go around bitching about me to everybody, I still don’t care. I mean, why should I pretend to like an evil, gold digging slut? She’s the one who walked out on her husband and 9 yr old girl for another married man….and I am wrong being rude to her?! I care a flying fuck. Oh, if that is not enough, she has the audacity to get her dirty self to my place to invite me for her illegitimate son’s birthday…if she can be that shameless, I can be rude too.
Next time, I hope she knows better than to get her sorry ass to my sacred abode.

To O

2006-06-22T02:11:00.000+05:30

O,

No matter how ignorant I may sound,
The truth is you’ve hurt me;
You’ve ripped my heart out
And put it on public display.
No matter how hard you try,
I will not tread the same path again -
A path made of lies and deceit,
Of emotions that are meaningless.
I can’t believe you anymore,
I’m long past all that.
I’ve changed over all this time
I am my own master now.
Don’t know what you want from me,
Neither will I stay to find out!
You can keep your stories to yourself,
To me they’re nothing but noise.
I will not give you what you want -
‘The satisfaction of being forgiven’
I want you to live with the guilt,
The ‘scar’ that you’re so afraid of.
Be brave and accept your crime;
Do you have no shame at all?
Life is not so merry anymore…
This is not my victory, just your fall.

Favorite things about RJ

2006-06-18T03:12:00.000+05:30

My favorite things...

.....about RJ...

his dimples
how soft his hair feels
the way he squints when he's concentrating
the way he delicately holds objects while doing artwork
the way he sleeps....on his stomach, pillow over the head!
the strong and comforting feeling of his arms
the way he says "five"
his Bengali
the way he speaks maithili
the way he greets his father at the beginning of all their conversations
the way he selflessly loves his sister
the way he treats my family
the fact that he's always on top of the guestlists of my 9 yr old sister's parties
the way he slips his arm around my waist when we're walking
the way he kisses my forehead and then my eyes when I'm upset
the way he looks in his blue t-shirt
the way he has an explanation and meaning to the most mundane things
his observant nature
the way he patiently listens
the way he sings 7 days (by Craig David)
his muscular legs..unlike the chicken legs that most men have!
the way he looks at me when I'm flushed
the way he says "shona"
the perfect V'shape of his upper body
his indecisive, slow typing.....annoying, but cute
the way he pouts
the way he hugs me
the way he laughs
his embarrassed look
the fact that he never makes an excuse
the way never looks away when I catch him staring at me during classes
his frankness ( not always a favorite, but at most times)
baby talk
the way he gets every child to like him
the way he always knows when I want to go to CCD for a mousse cake
the way rejoices after winning a game of air hockey
the way he lets me win when I pout!
the way he stuffs his mouth with sugar candies ( all 5 at one go!)
the way his eyes light up when he sees jhaal chips
his culinary skills!

......and that is not the end of the list...

mon avis sur la nourriture française (my opinion on french food)

2006-06-17T01:47:00.000+05:30

hmm...I suddenly want to talk about French cuisine! The French are the original foodies....did u know that even the term "cuisine" was coined by the French...Meaning "the kitchen". Most of the culinary terms that we are aware of, are infact, French....a 'la carte..Entrée ..Sorbet..Banquet...cafe..etc etc. a simple meal was suddenly Fine Dining. for all of us who think a starter, a main course and a dessert is fine dining....theFrenchh had a 12 course menu, yes, 12...which are as under :

Hors D'oeuvres ( where almost every letter is silent! pronounced as 'Odouves'...the appetizers)
Potage (soup)
Poission (no, not poison...just fish)
Entrée(finally a word we're familiar with!)
Relevé (ONE of THE main courses)
Sorbet ( ooh another known word! we're good!)
Rôti ( dont worry, 'roti' is our invention still.....this is french for 'roast')
Legume (yes! another one!)
Entremet de sucre ( just remember entremet, lol....aka dessert)
Savoureux ( something savoury after dessert??!!)
Dessert ( nope, no mousse and flans....just fruit and nuts)
Café ( coffee..to kill every flavour of the courses above)

French food is fancy food..an acquired taste..my father almost fainted after accidently biting into a scallop (NEVER chew, just swallow). i still have not figured out how caviar is such a luxary....i mean it's just fermented fish eggs and i personally hate it! French have a knack for glorifying even the simplest of things....if you go to France and order Pommes Frites because it sounds nice, all you'll get is a plate of french fries! Melon Frappe is NOT some cooling beverage...just cold melon!

French food is for Page 3 sociallites, it is classy to eat (and digest) French food. i once skipped my normal roti & subzi because i was tempted by an array of delicious looking dishes at a french convention....at the end of the evening, i could neither swallow nor throw...the meat was underdone ( Au bleu is what they called it!)...i bit into this inviting crispy patty, not expecting a puss-like, fowl smelling substance inside it...the soup had strange, suppossedly edible 'objects' floating in it....the pasta had some cheese that smelled like molten rubber....and more cheese everywhere! finally, when i reached the dessert counter...they just had greasy, suggary puff pastries left (which, again, i'm not fond of)....ah, everybody should have such experiences in their lives...sadly, it had to be ME!

i guess, the morals of the story are >>

(a) now i know why the French drink such a lot of wine!

(b) i'm sorry if you're french, or if you like french food

talking of alcohols....have you ever wondered why Spirits are called so? hmm... i will answer that, but another time...

till then....Au revoir...

flawless

2006-06-16T03:58:00.000+05:30

There is something very comforting about talking to complete strangers on the internet.....no face, no name, no conditions, just words. I have such a "friend"....hats off to you Mr. WXYZ (he wont tell me his name 'cause he's scared I'll blow his "cover")!. We've been up chatting all night, once deciding to go to sleep early...then quickly realizing we weren't sleepy. We've discussed love, friendship, dance...pulled each other's legs ( a lot!)....and yet we remain so disconnected. It's like leading a dual life...during the day I am myself (good, bad and ugly)...and between 12am till about 5 am, I am the best of me...I can select qualities about myself I want to show and hide the ones I don't, erase thoughts before they're read and not be bothered about being spotted in my most comfortable, yet embarrassing "little duck" tshirt....and when the conversation is over, once again i have the rights to be a demon.

Thank you for making me feel like i'm flawless...

dear diary

2006-06-15T20:09:00.001+05:30

dear dear diary
life is not so glum,
sometimes it seems so difficult
sometimes you feel so numb.
you move on to a new adventure
thinking your past is secure
suddenly as u turn to look back,
nothing seems familiar anymore.

dear dear diary
life gives no option but to move on,
sometimes it makes you a star
sometimes nobody cares if you're gone.
your laughter resonates through solid walls
and even fetches you hoards of cheer,
you stand in the crowd and look around
and nobody will even notice that tear.

dear dear diary
life has the strangest way to care,
sometimes it's one big lesson
sometimes it's a game that's unfair.
you work hard for every single move
sadly you're just a sitting duck
it's not a serious exam or sport
in a game all you need is luck.

dear dear diary
then one day you suddenly fall in love,
sometimes you think it'll last forever
sometimes even'forever' needs a shove.
funnily when everything is right
something must be terribly wrong,
and when it really begins to hurt
love has grown into something strong.

dear dear diary
when you're at the brink and can't decide,
sometimes you're scared of being hurt
sometimes you discover wings and glide.
how are you to see the easy way out
if it's always hidden in the difficult one,
life is just a series of risks and chances
mysteries and puzzles waiting to be undone.

my grey folder

2006-06-13T23:34:00.000+05:30

just lying awake wondering....wondering how many people are wondering the same thing.

i used to avidly collect letters sent by my father during his trips, i would arrange them date-wise and keep it in a grey folder....i miss collecting those carefully selected, textured, coloured, sometimes strange shaped letters, i miss seeing human handwriting. emails are just so impersonal, everytime i read an email, i imagine a Terminator-like voice reciting the letter! can you imagine how absurd that must be feeling??

i treasure handwriting, infact i treasure any personalised item or items that make me nostalgic....in my grey folder i also have the following :

little messages that RJ wrote to me on CCD napkins
the wrapper of a 5* chocolate bar which a dear friend gave me
the wrapper of a Temptations (rum n raisin) bar which RJ bought me on valentine's day
passes of every single fest i've been to
a pass autographed by bombay vikings
tickets to the 1st movie RJ and i ever saw together
a newspaper cutout which got me the Black & Blue CD 2 days before it's official release in India
a pass to the prom i went with O
volunteer badges from school
a small scrap of paper with my name doodled on it
and the most precious - a Rs. 100 note which RJ gave me from his 1st ,official, hard earned money.

this month..

2006-06-13T14:59:00.003+05:30

i probably started blogging now because this month is about me....after such a long time i'm finally feeling like myself, i feel calm, content and restless all at the same time. my mind is working overtime...my emotions are constantly on the edge. i'm dancing again, just like old times....there's something very sweet about the breathlessness and the aching muscles after a good dance session - it's a familiar sensation that i was once so used to. only difference betwen then and now is that i have to put twice the effort now....much as i hate to admit it, i'm out of practice and have allowed my body to ditch me.

this month is about me because i'm miserably in love with RJ...maybe everything is not perfect, but the truth is i'm hopelessly in love with him. i've realised that the only reason why he can hurt me so much is because he matters in my life. he makes me feel human because he makes me laugh and cry with equal intensity.i'm learning not to complain about all the things he doesn't do for me and instead pay greater attention to all his subtle ways of expressing his love.

this month i've realised, more than ever, the importance of true friends. i have no qualms about expressing the fact that i have made no true friends in college. people change with a flick of the fingers...i have learnt to put my gaurd up around them and keep Abi, Tia and Shakun close. i thank lord everyday for sending the 3 of them in my life.

this month is about me because i'm taking care of myself...i'm learning what is right for me and what is not. i'm not naive anymore, i dont let people show me down.

p.s....chanced upon this silly game, whr ppl were being asked to add "in the bed" to their "today's fortune".....mine came down to " 'luck is coming your way'....in the bed",....almost fell off my bed laughing

Day One

2006-06-12T02:10:00.000+05:30

My 1st posting....there have been so many instances when my anger or my silence has hurt my dear ones. i worship my moments...i have to talk when i want to, and if i'm stopped then, i dont want to talk anymore. so this is my attempt to post my personal thoughts when i need to...so that the moments are not lost anymore...

Dear God, I pray to you

Do not leave me to myself -

Tonight I need a blessing..

And maybe a miracle too.

Tonight I need to rid all my tears

And laugh without crying again,

I want to open my heart to all

Without having mundane fears.

Forgive me tonight if I'm wrong -

Punish me later if You must,

But please dedicate tonight to me

just tonight please play my song...

you see the few lines above matter to me....often, when i'm feeling low and angry and frustrated, i flip to the first page of my new diary and read it to myself. i wrote it on my 20th birthday, coz i was convinced things would go wrong and well...they did! so i decided that i will not let others affect me when i dont want them to...it's alright to be selfish at times

REWIND. . .

Embrace

After the dust settles...

The Pain

The Bengali Affair

Almost

Speck.

How does it feel, my darling?

Love-Lust

Driftwood

When I Say Goodbye

Alive

This year

Embers

whirlwind and lightning bolts

Dare

Shadow

Home, Happiness and Happy Birthday :)

R.I.P

A-Z

The one

Rambling

I Am.

Proudly Bangali!

Silent Scream

Brown eyed girl

Tag :)

The Eternal Flame

Holler!

yearning

I let the rain pour today

unsaid

Serendipity

Stay with me...

you

Home

slow burn

Girl friend(s)

Momentarily...

Heard in the silence...

Best friends?

Bliss

Tagged!

Would you?

Unknowingly...

Ridiculously Random

Of London and lovers...

*snif* *snif*

VI - D

Saturday

More than meets the eye...

True Calling

Pardoxes of love: The Clueless Clairvoyant

Radically Random

Letting go of you..

Sisters

Venting

Almost there.

Maybe we were...

Epilogue

When words fail me..

The smiles

My reality

For you...

Random Fact About Me :

Burn

Wish you were here...

Confession

17th November, '06

Wit of the staircase

Side-effects of job interviews!

SOS

Breaking News

Million Dollar Question..

Moving on...

high profile bitch

To O

Favorite things about RJ

mon avis sur la nourriture française (my opinion on french food)

flawless

snif snif