The Final Chapter

You know that feeling when you push back certain feelings and memories and keep running away from it all because you're too afraid it'll come back to haunt you? And then when it's been a while and you stumble upon something...imagine how liberated you would feel if you felt nothing at all...

(NOTE: Wrote this quite a while back...apologies for the late post!)

I turned the pages relentlessly

Certain I’d left you there -

Trapped between the lines,

A prisoner of every tear.

 You lived in every blot of ink,

And every tear that left a stain;

Every word had your stench,

Page after page reeking of pain.

I turned the pages disbelievingly,

Didn't imagine it would be so dead;

Just empty rhymes and rambles

And invisible imprints of angry lead.

I was certain I had cast a spell

To bind you in echoes lost in vain...

The silent screams trapped in the pages

Of the mute witness of excruciating pain.

I thought you would still be here,

Still chained to your own sin;

But you’ve faded away like the old ink,

Faded from the heart within.

Revelations

Dear Kind-readers-who-haven’t-abandoned-my-space-yet,

(Slightly belated) Happy New Year!!

Last year’s been nothing short of madness. The highs, sky high and the lows, rock bottom. I’m also pretty damn certain it will go down in history as the year that changed my life.

I learnt that sometimes courage comes disguised as a heart break... and that sometimes empowerment means embracing that unbearable pain.

I learnt to let go.

I’m happy now. Truly happy! And there’s no force in the world that can stop me.

Of all the lessons I’ve learnt and unlearnt in the last year, the most important one is this...

Happiness is exactly where you wish to find it.

Embrace

We were in an embrace,

Your face turned away from me...

I smiled at the moment,

Unaware of what was to be.

We breathed in perfect synchrony -

Our hearts dancing in the rise and fall;

Your arms tightened around my waist,

In every moment, the world grew small.

You broke away and lit a smoke -

Inhaled and exhaled with criminal flair;

Burnt and spent to ashes,

Obscure swirls disappeared into thin air.

The remnants crushed under your boot,

You turned and pulled me into you;

Your touch cold and unloving,

Your eyes, a steely hue.

The stench of smoke rested on my breath,

Your iron grip marked my skin;

Your gaze gnawed through sanity,

Consuming it from the heart within.

A tempest morphed from a gentle calm,

The storm to be braved became you;

You had me for life in your embrace,

Now you've ripped my heart out too.

After the dust settles...

At the end there is emptiness...

To remind me you were real;

Just a hollow where hurt resides,

After all the layers have been peeled.

A river of salt still stains my cheek,

Residues of stray tears that died;

And with all the memories laid out,

There’s a void that won’t be denied.

Of walls, withered and bare,

Of broken windows with jagged frames,

I stand testimony to what has become

Of a burning love gone up in flames.

And after the dust has settled,

As the foot prints begin to fade,

The body stays, plundered of the soul -

Sleep walking on the edge of the blade.

And at the end there is emptiness...

Just a scar from a heart at war;

Then, there’s calm in this hallowed wreck,

To remind me it was you I fought for.

The Pain

What do you do with the pain? The pain that’s eating away at your existence, threatening to corrode your very soul?

It conquers your life, runs it the way it wishes to, twists you into many complicated knots till you can’t breathe. The pain becomes a separate entity and watches you burn from the inside out.

It even lends a match.

The pain.

It manifests itself into different forms, changing like a chameleon hiding for cover...sometimes hot, angry tears...sometimes acrid words spewed out of a bleeding lip...sometimes a razor sharp cut on the skin. And sometimes, numbness. A blunt force trauma to the heart with no visible wounds.

Tears don’t surface.

Words lose voice

The gashes are too deep inside. Too concealed to be revealed.

The pain seeps through the veins like an invisible, untraceable drug. The pain grows on you like cancer...it possesses you.

That dull ache in your heart becomes your new heartbeat.

Silence becomes your new voice.

It’s the shadow that only leaves you when you’re in the dark – frightened, cold and alone. And every time you think it’s safe to step out into the light, you find it just where you left it.

Waiting patiently.

Laughing at your naivety.

Foolish you.

You give in to its iron grip. Leave everything behind, take off your shoes and prepare to walk on broken glass. Fragments of your life.

And you see blood seeping through.

How else would pain walk you down its path?

The Bengali Affair

Apparently, my love affair with Bengali writing hasn't ended yet.

When I wrote my first Bengali poem back in 2009, I was almost certain that it would be my last. Not because I didn't want to write in Bengali anymore, but because I didn't think I had it in me. But if there's one thing I've learnt about writing, especially poetry, it is that it's best beyond our control. Words choose themselves and that we are just the medium.

So, this is me letting go.

চেনা-অচেনা

তোমার পথে চলে,

আনন্দে পথ হারিয়ে

এসেছি বহু দূর, সব ভুলে।

সেই মোড়, সেই গাছ,

কিন্তু কেমন অচেনা লাগে আজ-

গাছের সেই আলো ছায়ার নাচ।

তোমার খুশিতে খুঁজেছি নিজেকে,

ভুলেছি আমার দুঃখে তুমি নেই;

হাওয়ায় উড়ে আসা শুকনো পাতা তুমি,

ঝড়ের বেগে উড়ে চলেছ সেই।

গোধূলি আভা ছুঁয়েছে তোমায়,

তোমার স্পর্শে আজ রাঙা বাতাস;

তুমি যেন এক চেনা-অচেনা স্বপ্ন,

তুমি দিনের শেষে সেই দীর্ঘশ্বাস।

রাতের আড়ালে লুকানো সে ব্যাথা,

তুমি দিনের আলোতে দেখা দাওনা তাই;

একটা ছায়া যার পিছু করে না কেও,

তোমার আগুনে পুড়ে, রয়ে গেছে ছাই।

And, this is how it would read-

**Chena-Achena

Tomaar pothe choley

Anonde poth hariye,

Eshechi bohu dur, shob bhuley.

Sheiy mod, sheiy gaach,

Kintu kemon achena lage aaj-

Gaacher sheiy alo chayaar naach.

Tomar khushi’te khujechi nijeke,

Bhulechi aamar dukkhe tumi neiy;

Haway ude asha shukno pata tumi,

Jhor’er bege ude cholecho sheiy.

Godhuli abha chuyeche tomay,

Tomar sphorshe aaj ranga batash;

Tumi jeno ek chena-achena sapno,

Tumi diner sheshe sheiy dirghosshash.

Raater aarale lukono she byatha,

Tumi diney alo’te dekha daona taiy;

Ekta chhaya jar pichu kore na keo,

Tomar aagune poorey, roye geche chhaiy.

P.S. Open the comments section to find a rough translation :)

Almost

The wind seemed to pick up speed as she walked closer to the edge, just as his heart picked up its pace as she swept her hair into a messy bundle and secured it with a bright purple band. Her slender neck now exposed…allowing the golden orange of the setting sun to gently kiss her on the nape. For a second he feared she read his thoughts as she gingerly lifted her hand to rub her neck. He struggled to look away. It wasn’t just her face…her entire being spoke volumes. There was a calmness in her body. The way she wrapped her arms around herself wasn’t because she was cold- he knew it was because she loved the thrill of being so close to the edge, so high above the ground.

Even with her back turned towards him, she could tell he was watching her. He always watched her when he thought she wasn’t looking. She didn’t mind. Yes, she wasn’t going to be naïve enough to deny that she liked his attention. Nobody looked at her the way he did…with so much longing, with so much depth. It was as if he was trying to unravel a mystery…which is why she liked to hold back just that little bit every time. She gently freed her hair from its tied form and let it cascade down her back. She tilted her head back and let the warm glow of dusk illuminate her face. She wished he would walk over and hold her. She closed her eyes and imagined the moment and let out a long sigh. Smiling, she prepared to step out of her fantasies.

The moment she took a deep breath, he knew she would turn around and he didn’t want to be caught staring at her. Though something deep inside told him, she already knew…or maybe she didn’t…maybe she was pretending not to know…but why? He loved this temporary insanity, the way his heart hop-scotched with anxiety and anticipation. He relished her…like a secret, a treasure only he knew about. Maybe the same way she wanted to preserve him, he realized. His eyes went back to her to find his beautiful treasure surrounded by a golden aura at this point. He suppressed his smile as he saw her brows beginning to knit together in curiosity. How he longed to hold her in his arms and kiss that frown away.

“What?”

“Didn’t you see the bird fly straight into the kite?” he asked her playfully.

She rolled her eyes at him and he laughed – an open, hearty laugh that made her heart skip a beat too many. For a second, it felt like she could put her guards down as she felt his laughter envelop her in its honesty. She closed her eyes and smiled. This was exactly the feeling she longed for…what she’d always felt was missing in her life.

“I love…your smile! I love your smile” he smiled casually. If there was one thing he was great at, that was pretending to be calm and composed.

“Almost” He thought to himself.

“Thank you” She smiled at him and turned to face the horizon again. It didn’t seem so out of reach anymore.

“Almost” She thought to herself.

Speck.

A multi hued glittering speck

Floating in a psychedelic realm,

Through a kaleidoscopic vortex,

Tinted in shades of blue.

Blue as the endless space,

Blue as the prussian darkness,

Blue as the bruised soul,

Blue as lifelessness.

A dot in infinity,

A spot on a brand new sheet,

A fleck of dust waiting to settle

On a lost dancing shoe.

A shiny speckle tinted blue,

Tinted in ultraviolet hue -

Shining gloriously in the dark…

On a forgotten dancing shoe.