The Final Chapter

You know that feeling when you push back certain feelings and memories and keep running away from it all because you're too afraid it'll come back to haunt you? And then when it's been a while and you stumble upon something...imagine how liberated you would feel if you felt nothing at all...

(NOTE: Wrote this quite a while back...apologies for the late post!)

I turned the pages relentlessly

Certain I’d left you there -

Trapped between the lines,

A prisoner of every tear.

 You lived in every blot of ink,

And every tear that left a stain;

Every word had your stench,

Page after page reeking of pain.

I turned the pages disbelievingly,

Didn't imagine it would be so dead;

Just empty rhymes and rambles

And invisible imprints of angry lead.

I was certain I had cast a spell

To bind you in echoes lost in vain...

The silent screams trapped in the pages

Of the mute witness of excruciating pain.

I thought you would still be here,

Still chained to your own sin;

But you’ve faded away like the old ink,

Faded from the heart within.

Revelations

Dear Kind-readers-who-haven’t-abandoned-my-space-yet,

(Slightly belated) Happy New Year!!

Last year’s been nothing short of madness. The highs, sky high and the lows, rock bottom. I’m also pretty damn certain it will go down in history as the year that changed my life.

I learnt that sometimes courage comes disguised as a heart break... and that sometimes empowerment means embracing that unbearable pain.

I learnt to let go.

I’m happy now. Truly happy! And there’s no force in the world that can stop me.

Of all the lessons I’ve learnt and unlearnt in the last year, the most important one is this...

Happiness is exactly where you wish to find it.

Embrace

We were in an embrace,

Your face turned away from me...

I smiled at the moment,

Unaware of what was to be.

We breathed in perfect synchrony -

Our hearts dancing in the rise and fall;

Your arms tightened around my waist,

In every moment, the world grew small.

You broke away and lit a smoke -

Inhaled and exhaled with criminal flair;

Burnt and spent to ashes,

Obscure swirls disappeared into thin air.

The remnants crushed under your boot,

You turned and pulled me into you;

Your touch cold and unloving,

Your eyes, a steely hue.

The stench of smoke rested on my breath,

Your iron grip marked my skin;

Your gaze gnawed through sanity,

Consuming it from the heart within.

A tempest morphed from a gentle calm,

The storm to be braved became you;

You had me for life in your embrace,

Now you've ripped my heart out too.

After the dust settles...

At the end there is emptiness...

To remind me you were real;

Just a hollow where hurt resides,

After all the layers have been peeled.

A river of salt still stains my cheek,

Residues of stray tears that died;

And with all the memories laid out,

There’s a void that won’t be denied.

Of walls, withered and bare,

Of broken windows with jagged frames,

I stand testimony to what has become

Of a burning love gone up in flames.

And after the dust has settled,

As the foot prints begin to fade,

The body stays, plundered of the soul -

Sleep walking on the edge of the blade.

And at the end there is emptiness...

Just a scar from a heart at war;

Then, there’s calm in this hallowed wreck,

To remind me it was you I fought for.

The Pain

What do you do with the pain? The pain that’s eating away at your existence, threatening to corrode your very soul?

It conquers your life, runs it the way it wishes to, twists you into many complicated knots till you can’t breathe. The pain becomes a separate entity and watches you burn from the inside out.

It even lends a match.

The pain.

It manifests itself into different forms, changing like a chameleon hiding for cover...sometimes hot, angry tears...sometimes acrid words spewed out of a bleeding lip...sometimes a razor sharp cut on the skin. And sometimes, numbness. A blunt force trauma to the heart with no visible wounds.

Tears don’t surface.

Words lose voice

The gashes are too deep inside. Too concealed to be revealed.

The pain seeps through the veins like an invisible, untraceable drug. The pain grows on you like cancer...it possesses you.

That dull ache in your heart becomes your new heartbeat.

Silence becomes your new voice.

It’s the shadow that only leaves you when you’re in the dark – frightened, cold and alone. And every time you think it’s safe to step out into the light, you find it just where you left it.

Waiting patiently.

Laughing at your naivety.

Foolish you.

You give in to its iron grip. Leave everything behind, take off your shoes and prepare to walk on broken glass. Fragments of your life.

And you see blood seeping through.

How else would pain walk you down its path?

The Bengali Affair

Apparently, my love affair with Bengali writing hasn't ended yet.

When I wrote my first Bengali poem back in 2009, I was almost certain that it would be my last. Not because I didn't want to write in Bengali anymore, but because I didn't think I had it in me. But if there's one thing I've learnt about writing, especially poetry, it is that it's best beyond our control. Words choose themselves and that we are just the medium.

So, this is me letting go.

চেনা-অচেনা

তোমার পথে চলে,

আনন্দে পথ হারিয়ে

এসেছি বহু দূর, সব ভুলে।

সেই মোড়, সেই গাছ,

কিন্তু কেমন অচেনা লাগে আজ-

গাছের সেই আলো ছায়ার নাচ।

তোমার খুশিতে খুঁজেছি নিজেকে,

ভুলেছি আমার দুঃখে তুমি নেই;

হাওয়ায় উড়ে আসা শুকনো পাতা তুমি,

ঝড়ের বেগে উড়ে চলেছ সেই।

গোধূলি আভা ছুঁয়েছে তোমায়,

তোমার স্পর্শে আজ রাঙা বাতাস;

তুমি যেন এক চেনা-অচেনা স্বপ্ন,

তুমি দিনের শেষে সেই দীর্ঘশ্বাস।

রাতের আড়ালে লুকানো সে ব্যাথা,

তুমি দিনের আলোতে দেখা দাওনা তাই;

একটা ছায়া যার পিছু করে না কেও,

তোমার আগুনে পুড়ে, রয়ে গেছে ছাই।

And, this is how it would read-

**Chena-Achena

Tomaar pothe choley

Anonde poth hariye,

Eshechi bohu dur, shob bhuley.

Sheiy mod, sheiy gaach,

Kintu kemon achena lage aaj-

Gaacher sheiy alo chayaar naach.

Tomar khushi’te khujechi nijeke,

Bhulechi aamar dukkhe tumi neiy;

Haway ude asha shukno pata tumi,

Jhor’er bege ude cholecho sheiy.

Godhuli abha chuyeche tomay,

Tomar sphorshe aaj ranga batash;

Tumi jeno ek chena-achena sapno,

Tumi diner sheshe sheiy dirghosshash.

Raater aarale lukono she byatha,

Tumi diney alo’te dekha daona taiy;

Ekta chhaya jar pichu kore na keo,

Tomar aagune poorey, roye geche chhaiy.

P.S. Open the comments section to find a rough translation :)

Almost

The wind seemed to pick up speed as she walked closer to the edge, just as his heart picked up its pace as she swept her hair into a messy bundle and secured it with a bright purple band. Her slender neck now exposed…allowing the golden orange of the setting sun to gently kiss her on the nape. For a second he feared she read his thoughts as she gingerly lifted her hand to rub her neck. He struggled to look away. It wasn’t just her face…her entire being spoke volumes. There was a calmness in her body. The way she wrapped her arms around herself wasn’t because she was cold- he knew it was because she loved the thrill of being so close to the edge, so high above the ground.

Even with her back turned towards him, she could tell he was watching her. He always watched her when he thought she wasn’t looking. She didn’t mind. Yes, she wasn’t going to be naïve enough to deny that she liked his attention. Nobody looked at her the way he did…with so much longing, with so much depth. It was as if he was trying to unravel a mystery…which is why she liked to hold back just that little bit every time. She gently freed her hair from its tied form and let it cascade down her back. She tilted her head back and let the warm glow of dusk illuminate her face. She wished he would walk over and hold her. She closed her eyes and imagined the moment and let out a long sigh. Smiling, she prepared to step out of her fantasies.

The moment she took a deep breath, he knew she would turn around and he didn’t want to be caught staring at her. Though something deep inside told him, she already knew…or maybe she didn’t…maybe she was pretending not to know…but why? He loved this temporary insanity, the way his heart hop-scotched with anxiety and anticipation. He relished her…like a secret, a treasure only he knew about. Maybe the same way she wanted to preserve him, he realized. His eyes went back to her to find his beautiful treasure surrounded by a golden aura at this point. He suppressed his smile as he saw her brows beginning to knit together in curiosity. How he longed to hold her in his arms and kiss that frown away.

“What?”

“Didn’t you see the bird fly straight into the kite?” he asked her playfully.

She rolled her eyes at him and he laughed – an open, hearty laugh that made her heart skip a beat too many. For a second, it felt like she could put her guards down as she felt his laughter envelop her in its honesty. She closed her eyes and smiled. This was exactly the feeling she longed for…what she’d always felt was missing in her life.

“I love…your smile! I love your smile” he smiled casually. If there was one thing he was great at, that was pretending to be calm and composed.

“Almost” He thought to himself.

“Thank you” She smiled at him and turned to face the horizon again. It didn’t seem so out of reach anymore.

“Almost” She thought to herself.

Speck.

A multi hued glittering speck

Floating in a psychedelic realm,

Through a kaleidoscopic vortex,

Tinted in shades of blue.

Blue as the endless space,

Blue as the prussian darkness,

Blue as the bruised soul,

Blue as lifelessness.

A dot in infinity,

A spot on a brand new sheet,

A fleck of dust waiting to settle

On a lost dancing shoe.

A shiny speckle tinted blue,

Tinted in ultraviolet hue -

Shining gloriously in the dark…

On a forgotten dancing shoe.

How does it feel, my darling?

How does it feel now, my darling…

Now that you can hurt me no more?

How does it feel to be alone and unloved

Knowing that your pain has no cure?

How does it feel, my darling

To be broken and burnt?

To be left in your half baked hell?

Walking on your path of red hot coals

How does it feel, do tell.

Does it hurt to be trapped in your own cage,

Mangled and cramped into that tiny hole?

Does the sun ever touch your heart?

Does it hurt to know it’ll never warm your soul?

How does it feel to drown in your filth,

The lies and webs you lovingly bred?

Gasping for air and screaming for help,

How does it feel to be left for dead?

How does it feel, my darling?

To scream without a voice,

Knowing you’ll never break the spell!

Is the pain gut wrenching, darling?

How does it feel, do tell.

Love-Lust

Random scribble.

Bold content. Children, don't read!

Unabashedly our lips meet –

Mine soft against yours

A silent moan,

A heavy sigh,

Passion blazing through.

A gentle caress,

An urgent embrace,

An insatiable thirst.

A need,

The greed,

As our bodies become one.

Driftwood

There’s so much that has been unsaid-

Waiting to be set free,

Bound by tempers and tantrums,

Silenced by distances between you and me.

We look at each other longingly

Intentionally brushing skin to skin;

We try to revive the dying flames

Of a fire that burnt deep within.

We’re left with shreds of sanity,

We cling to the reminiscence of love;

We chase a dream that once was-

A dream lost in the push and shove.

We exit in cool contempt,

Gathering bullets on our way...

Tattered and torn we reach out,

As always, we were late today.

Words collapse to pauses,

Pauses melt into eternity,

And as we waited for a moment to speak-

One day, we became you and me.

Apologies for being away for so long...no big reason. Just uninspired, maybe too busy, maybe too lazy and maybe a little numb. Whatever it may be, there really is no justification.

In other news, I'm back in the City of Joy for good and enjoying the lovely onset of winter wonderfulness! No promises, but I will try to be as frequent in blogsville as I can. For all those who've still remembered this space and tried to check up on me...thank you so very much! I will catch up on all your posts soon!

Love...

When I Say Goodbye

You’ll be gone soon.

You’ll be dead

The day I start to live;

I’ll drift you away

Like a feather in space...

I bid you farewell.

Alive

Happy to be alive

Amongst mangled, skeletal remains,

In the afterthought of life…

Lost in ambiguity,

Life gushing through severed veins.

Happy to be alive,

Happily undone and undead -

Like a chapter unfinished,

Like a letter that was never read.

I bask in your toxic existence,

Reminiscent of ash and dust;

I flirt with the dark shadows,

And watch love evaporate to lust.

I chase swirls of blackened smoke

And follow you into the unlit road,

I see a monster in the mirror…

I am exactly what you showed.

This year

2009.

This is the year I’ll never forget. If I could squeeze in some drama, I’d tell you that this is the year that has changed me forever. Such has been the impact. This year I've lost more friends than I’ve made. I’ve learnt to hate and tell people I hate them…I’ve forgotten how to tell the ones I love, that, I love them. I’ve learnt too much restraint for my own good.

I still haven’t learnt to lie with a straight face. Some things should never change :).

I've had my heart broken and trampled over only to burn with a stubborn desire to love. Though not happily, but I have learnt to try not to hold things to my heart…it hurts lesser or maybe my heart’s too numb, who knows! 2009 has been witness to the kind of love I never knew existed. Yet, this year will be the year I’ve craved for love the most. I don’t think that’s something I’ll put myself through ever again. I’ve come to accept that it isn’t anybody’s fault that I don’t have faith in them. I don’t understand faith too well. The day I do, I’ll welcome it with open arms.

This year I’ve lost something I never had. I’ve lamented, regretted and wished I could turn back time and do things differently. I’ve learnt that some damages are irreparable…and that some losses are irreplaceable.

It’s been a tough year, this 2009. This is the first year that I’ve lived away from home…learnt to cook and clean and be good at it! It sounds quite trivial, I know, but it is undoubtedly one of the most important things I've learnt. If I may brag a bit (since it is my blog!)…some of my friends here have told me that some of the dishes I make are better than what they get back home. I also baked a fruit cake this Christmas that people mistook for a store bought cake….oh the pride! :)

This year has reinforced one solid belief in my life – I have kickass friends! If you guys are reading this (and you know who you are!), I want you to know that you guys have given me all the strength I needed, whenever I needed it. I love you all so very much!

It is not so much a belief as it is a fact…I have a beautiful, loving family and there is absolutely nothing more important to me than them. I’m certain that’s something that won’t change either.

It’s been a roller coaster…this 2009…

Embers

Don’t look into my heart,

There’s nothing left to see…

Just a few dying embers,

Leftovers from a fantasy.

Shut the door behind you,

Shut the door as you leave;

The darkness echoes the calm

My heart feels after I grieve.

Let hope fade into oblivion,

Don’t come near me again…

Your touch revives love,

A love that invokes pain.

You’re all I have left in me,

Only you make me whole;

Instead of killing me little by little,

Put a bullet through my soul.

whirlwind and lightning bolts

Ok people, this is the place I ramble in when I’m upset…so no sympathy, kapish?

Nothing’s quite right. The past one month has been a roller coaster…of events and emotions I could never prepare myself for. Yet, I’m unusually numb…like I don’t care. My mind and my heart are playing tricks on me…the pain doesn’t even seem real and yet it’s real enough to keep me awake all night, night after night and make my heart ache – literally. I’m not strong enough to deal with so much all at once…and so I do what I do best – I keep pushing it back, hoping it’ll disappear somewhere in the already cluttered, cobwebbed past.

Something terrible happened recently. Right then, all I knew was that I needed my best friend because I didn’t want to be alone. She consoled me knowing I was crumbled inside; she coaxed me to cry, scream even if necessary. I just sat there looking down, fiddling with random objects…suffocated. She cried for me while I just sat there. I’m drained of all energy to react to pain and recover from it. Or maybe somewhere in my subconscious mind, I don’t want to anymore. I’m tired of being hurt every single time. Maybe I want to be completely destroyed…because from there, the only way is Up. I’m stuck somewhere in between and sinking so agonizingly slow that I can feel every painful jab at my soul.

On a lighter note…I did something different and outrageous this time around. I usually am a collected person even when I’m angry (USUALLY). I’d much rather ignore dirt and vent out here instead. This time, I didn’t bother. The bitch deserved it. Here’s an excerpt from a recent text I sent to a dear friend:

“…I think you owe him and me an apology for behaving like a drunken slut. Just thought I’d remind you because you obviously don’t have the decency or the shame.”

Verbally, there was much more. A house mate tells me the Bong in me finally surfaced *snigger*

Drunken Slut is what she will be known as from now on. I like it.

I’m (usually) not the bitchy kind. I despise these damsel-in-distress kinds. But when one makes alcohol an excuse and throws herself at my guy in my absence? I will hurt you till you cry.

Yes, Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.

Dare

I dare you to break boundaries,

And freefall into this abyss;

I dare you to take a chance,

And be dead or find your bliss.

Be tired of running away

To find your way back home;

Dare to hold on to eternity

In shifting oceans of foam.

Make the biggest mistake -

And let happiness in your heart;

Let the sun shine upon you…

Dare to make a new start.

Hope! Expect! Want!

Rightfully demand for me!

Claim your place in my heart…

I'm yours…or can’t you see?

Give in to yourself -

To what you and I could be;

I dare you to close your eyes,

And give yourself to me.

Shadow

Ever present, effervescent presence -

You linger long after you’re gone,

Leaving a fiery trail of emptiness,

Heartstrings tugged at and undone.

You remain – untouched and unmoved,

You stay hidden behind a violet veil;

You watch, observe carefully

As I wither away and become frail.

You match every step,

You know my every move;

Undeterred by ignorance,

You’re a constant I cannot elude.

Consumed by hatred,

You’re driven by greed;

Severed as I lie in your path,

Satisfied, you watch me bleed.

You stay long after I’m gone;

Silent…placid…content,

You blend in with the void…

You’re poison, a sedative scent.

You’re a stubborn stain,

A constant, nagging reminder,

You’re a scar that refuses to fade,

A memory that won’t be blurred.

You prosper with fear,

You feed off my weakness…

Evidence of my crude existence,

You’re an insatiable darkness.

Home, Happiness and Happy Birthday :)

Guess who's back home :)

Anyway, my little sister turned 17 today. So our youngest sister and I decided to bake her a cake instead of getting one from the pastry shop. It was sooo much fun!! You guys have to see this...

Here's the birthday girl about to cut the cake (ater being smothered by chocolate icing from the cake her friends got). I know, I know...I have to work on the icing!

Ta-da!

And here is a cross section of the cake. Believe it :)

Anyone wants a piece? :)

P.S. The uper layer had purple too...wonder where it disappeared!

Update: The purple has been found :))

R.I.P

You selfish prick. I just told you someone I knew DIED and all you care about is that I’m not talking to you??!

It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know her too well, it doesn’t even matter that she wasn’t my favourite person. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s gone. She seemed like she had everything going for her…pretty girl, talented, ambitious – she knew exactly what she wanted out of life when most of us were still aimless. What could have gone so wrong that she felt the need to end her life?

Yes, I’m grateful for all that I have in life and no matter how difficult things get, I never lose track of all my blessings. There’s a lot of joy and there are a lot of heartaches. Life isn’t perfect. I don’t know if my problems will get any better or worse…I don’t know if I’ll be loved the way I want to be loved or if I’ll ever love back the way I imagine it in my mind…I don’t know how my life will be 5 years…10 years down the line…if I’ll be happy. And tonight for the first time in my life, not knowing frightens me.

May your soul rest in peace P.