Wow it's been so long since I've posted anything.Well I could just say I was busy but that wouldn't be the entire truth. Yes, I've been busy but I've also been running away from reality...I almost didn't want to face myself, and that's what I'm supposed to do when I write..right?
A lot has happened, details of which I'd much rather leave out...but I'm sure the ones who care will figure out by the end of this post...
I'm strangely relaxed...it's been long since I've been driven to tears just for the sake of love. My pillow now remains dry at night. I don't know helplessness anymore. No longer do I have to worry about begging someone not to spoil my few moments of joy. I'm certain I'll be abandoned a lot lesser now. I will no longer be told that I'm inferior. I'm fearless now. No more begging to be heard. I shall never be asked to shut up when I need to speak out. The phone will never be hung up intentionally when I do speak out. I wont always have to think before I speak. Consequences wont be half as bad. I wont miss sarcasm. Mockery will not be missed either. Apologies will be heard more often. Happiness will have multiple factors rather than a constant. Self respect isn't lost anymore. I found it in courage. I'm making changes happen. Quick.

Yes,a lot shall be missed in a good way. But, life has too much too offer and I don't intend to miss out anymore.

When words fail me..

It's both fascinating and frustrating what distance can do to lovers. At times we don't speak what's in our hearts, afraid we'll spoil the "illusion"...the illusion of everything being fine and just the way they were, that the distance really doesn't make a difference; the other times we supress our thoughts, scared that we will become weak, scared that distance will win the battle that we've been fighting for so long. Words are all important and it becomes increasingly difficult when you know that the hurt your words cause can never be undone with a touch or the look that usually says it all.

"I love you" sometimes becomes a compensation, sometimes a manifestation of our guilt..."When words fail me" is no longer a good thing...

The smiles

I've spent the last three years cursing my college and almost everything about it.
These are the people who made it worthwhile...

Isn't it wonderful how you always remember every little story behind every single photograph??

My reality

I had a dream.

I was in Mumbai again. He and I were walking down the road where we used to take our midnight stroll - the same road I’d fallen in love with during my visit…the field, so much bigger without the children and the chaatwalas…the trees bathed in a warm yellow glow from the street lights…the hushed-up murmurs of the security guards – their faces smiling in relief on spotting familiar faces…the noise of traffic so afar…
Moonlit sky and just a slight breeze that made me snuggle up to him. As always, he put his arm around my waist.
He smiled.
(*sigh*…the dimple.)
We didn’t speak. We didn’t need to speak.
I don’t think we were intent on reaching anywhere at all…

For you...

I’m uninspired and couldn’t care lesser. I have GOT to study, I even want to study…so I sit with my books and pick up a pen. Well, that’s about it. *note to myself: PROCEED!

I miss the late night whispers
From the one voice I’m so used to;
I miss the silly, cute voices,
I just simply miss you.
I miss seeing you smile
And the dimple that followed next,
I miss the ‘mid-lecture stares’
And the hearts doodled on every text.
I miss the very brazen flirting-
Unaware and ignorant of everything!
I miss that look in your eyes
I miss the blush that it would bring.
I miss the accidental brush on my arms
And all the unexpected endearing words
I even miss listening to your songs
Which, a thousand times I’ve heard!
I miss the way you frown in confusion
And bite your lip in playfulness;
I miss the long comforting hugs
That could kill every ounce of stress.
I know I’ve cursed you countless times,
Cursed the fact that you made me cry
And every time I told you I hated you
I want you to know I told you a lie.
I miss the joy and laughter you brought,
As well as the occasional verbal knives!
I miss the excitement you brought in my life,
Without you I don’t feel quite alive.
I know there’s a lot more to come,
Memories after memories due-
But now I can’t really help myself,
I just simply miss you.

Random Fact About Me :

Neha usually writes when she is hurt/upset/angry...thus the blog entries are not that frequent.

Burn

Unforgiving moments
Unforgotten words
I hurt at every thought,
Slowly and slowly I numbly burn.

Your words burn my being
I burn in your love;
I burn in silence…
The silence burns me.

My wounds are out in the open
And yet you pretend not to see,
The ignorance burns my soul
How burnt do I have to be?

I know I’m the one to blame,
I choose to quietly burn…
Is it your fault the fire that engulfs me
Is none other than you?

Wish you were here...

There are some people in your life that you hardly share details with and yet they understand you so well that they stand by you whenever you need them, no questions asked. I have one such friend. Physically, he’s not present most of the times and when he is here I don’t really think he thinks about anything in depth! YET the few words of wisdom that he imparts unknowingly becomes my strength. Once when I expressed how anxious I was about joining college and my fears about not being accepted, he told me “no matter what you do, you cannot get everyone to love you. Remember that”. Now at the brink of my graduation, that is almost the only thing I can relate to!
I miss him dearly now. I’m upset and confused and my head and my heart hurts. I wish he was here right now to tell me what to do! I know I’m stubborn and twisted but the truth is no one but he can see through that temporary monster. It’s strange and wonderful how somebody can soothe you by just sitting beside you without speaking a word, without checking the watch or without trying to crack silly jokes to “lighten the mood”. It’s strange how it always works. Always.