SOS

Neha needs a vacation.
I’m sick and tired of college, tired of trying to be at my best behavior, of trying to keep up with the “super-womanly” image I’ve created for myself…..I’m even tired of friends and family. Recently, I’ve been dealing with two kinds of people… (a) People who think I can handle it all and can NEVER screw up, and (b) people who are expecting me to screw up. Either way, I end up losing – I obviously disappoint a lot of those from category (a) and I disappoint myself by trying too hard for those from category (b). If for once I give up, I’m the scum that lives in the dirtiest corner of a pond! I’m selfish and arrogant.
In a social surrounding, I don’t feel it’s constantly necessary to scan people and take out flaws all the time. It’s alright to have a conversation without an ulterior motive. But no! For a certain somebody…that makes me stupid and naïve. It’s not ok to chit-chat with anyone without a purpose.
Blah blah blah…there’s just so much more; I just don’t feel like racking my brains anymore! I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m tired of people telling me I’m wrong. Maybe their “wrong” is just right for me. I’ll learn eventually, maybe…but for now, I just need everyone to back off just a little bit.
Breathe, Neha, breathe…

Breaking News

Hmm…to be honest, I’m still in a state of shock. For the past one week, I’ve been wondering if I’ll be a part of the committee in college, at the most I was expecting a post as the Cultural Secretary. Finally, the long awaited meeting was held today. Did I become a part of the committee? Yes, I did. Did I become a Cultural Secretary? No, I didn’t. hee ehee… am I upset?? N-O NO! Much to my surprise, I became the Joint Secretary of the college (a.k.a. Vice President)…woah! I don’t think the thought has still sunk in because as RJ puts it, I got a lot more than I was expecting. I think he’s right...
This time I’m genuinely stunned. And honored. And proud…cheers to me :)

Million Dollar Question..

“What do you do and what would you want to do?”

I wonder how many people would have the same answer for both parts of the question. I don’t. Isn’t it hypocrisy at its supreme?! And the contradiction continues…
I’m a passionate dancer, but, am too scared to give in to it. I know I’m a wonderful dancer but I fear I might not be good enough. I fear I might lose the respect and support of everyone whose lives are attached to mine and yet I know these are the people who will see me through my worst times. So what do I do? I shift my career focus elsewhere. Am I happy about it? Sure, I’m not sad it about it either!
Sometimes while exploring your only dream, you discover newer ones. Maybe not always as good as the old one, but good enough to keep you occupied. That, I guess, is a brief prelude to my story. However, in some dingy corner, a small flickering flame continued to burn…bearing blow after blow and even then, adamant not to fizzle out. Ofcourse, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The old flame is burning with all its might now, almost as if threatening to consume everything that competes with it...if only it had words, I’m sure you would hear too. It finds ways to pull me back to itself, proving once again how in control it is. Yes, I invited it back…but was it ever out of my life to begin with!

Such has been my career shift, that no matter how much I want to, I cannot master two things at one time. I bet even Superwoman wouldn’t challenge me on this one! Do I walk out on a success that is oh-so-close and tread into a world I’ve fantasized about for as long as I can remember? I neither can, nor do I want to answer that one. I’m too practical and yet fiercely passionate. Sadly, passion and practicality are forever at war. Why me? Why do I have so much to lose if I choose to be selfish? Only I know how passionately I feel about dancing…why can’t I let the world know too…
I have decided that there is such a thing as Luck…which obviously pays me a visit at all the wrong times. Besides, how else will you explain less deserving ones ‘playing in the lap of success?

Natasha Thomas - Skin Deep

listen carefully ladies...then make the boys listen..

psst....check out her earrings!

Moving on...

Words left where they were
Ended abruptly, in a rush -
For, you said all you could
Till time ran out on me.
I waited and plotted,
Practiced every word I’d say.
I knew I would hurt you,
I waited silently for the day.
Now after a time so long,
When the time is finally right -
I feel strangely unaffected,
I don’t care about any fight.
I don’t need to justify myself;
And least of all, to you…
You don’t matter at all to me,
I’ve moved on, started anew.
If you think there’s more to it -
I wish you can live with yourself
And maybe then find forgiveness;
I don't have any empathy for you,
You only deserve far less…

high profile bitch

I don’t like her. Period. Simple as that. I refuse to even pretend to like her….she can go around bitching about me to everybody, I still don’t care. I mean, why should I pretend to like an evil, gold digging slut? She’s the one who walked out on her husband and 9 yr old girl for another married man….and I am wrong being rude to her?! I care a flying fuck. Oh, if that is not enough, she has the audacity to get her dirty self to my place to invite me for her illegitimate son’s birthday…if she can be that shameless, I can be rude too.
Next time, I hope she knows better than to get her sorry ass to my sacred abode.

To O

O,

No matter how ignorant I may sound,
The truth is you’ve hurt me;
You’ve ripped my heart out
And put it on public display.
No matter how hard you try,
I will not tread the same path again -
A path made of lies and deceit,
Of emotions that are meaningless.
I can’t believe you anymore,
I’m long past all that.
I’ve changed over all this time
I am my own master now.
Don’t know what you want from me,
Neither will I stay to find out!
You can keep your stories to yourself,
To me they’re nothing but noise.
I will not give you what you want -
‘The satisfaction of being forgiven’
I want you to live with the guilt,
The ‘scar’ that you’re so afraid of.
Be brave and accept your crime;
Do you have no shame at all?
Life is not so merry anymore…
This is not my victory, just your fall.

Favorite things about RJ

My favorite things...

.....about RJ...

• his dimples
• how soft his hair feels
• the way he squints when he's concentrating
• the way he delicately holds objects while doing artwork
• the way he sleeps....on his stomach, pillow over the head!
• the strong and comforting feeling of his arms
• the way he says "five"
• his Bengali
• the way he speaks maithili
• the way he greets his father at the beginning of all their conversations
• the way he selflessly loves his sister
• the way he treats my family
• the fact that he's always on top of the guestlists of my 9 yr old sister's parties
• the way he slips his arm around my waist when we're walking
• the way he kisses my forehead and then my eyes when I'm upset
• the way he looks in his blue t-shirt
• the way he has an explanation and meaning to the most mundane things
• his observant nature
• the way he patiently listens
• the way he sings 7 days (by Craig David)
• his muscular legs..unlike the chicken legs that most men have!
• the way he looks at me when I'm flushed
• the way he says "shona"
• the perfect V'shape of his upper body
• his indecisive, slow typing.....annoying, but cute
• the way he pouts
• the way he hugs me
• the way he laughs
• his embarrassed look
• the fact that he never makes an excuse
• the way never looks away when I catch him staring at me during classes
• his frankness ( not always a favorite, but at most times)
• baby talk
• the way he gets every child to like him
• the way he always knows when I want to go to CCD for a mousse cake
• the way rejoices after winning a game of air hockey
• the way he lets me win when I pout!
• the way he stuffs his mouth with sugar candies ( all 5 at one go!)
• the way his eyes light up when he sees jhaal chips
• his culinary skills!

......and that is not the end of the list...