17th November, '06

I met this interesting man in a train from Calcutta to Jamshedpur. He was old, probably in his mid 60’s - a humble Bengali gentleman and even though his clothes were shabby, he seemed very decent and respectable. He had a cup of tea with us, accepted the packet of chips we offered; we had a little chit-chat in English…quite obviously educated, he seemed sad and so when we asked him the cause of his grief he only told us what we know already – “it’s all fate. You never know where it’ll take you”. Seeing the cheerful bunch of teenagers suddenly becoming dull, he quickly gave us his blessings and left.

The catch? He was a beggar.

I was going through my own blog and I realised I've become a depressing, silly little loser *moan*
[Babe : You've always been depressing...what's new?? Princess of Gloom!
Me : Shut up. I've been very happy (almost giddy!) in the last few years. hmpf.]

I'll be better soon, I promise...just the "bad phase" we all hear about, I guess.

P.S...those who didn't understand, don't try. It's not meant for you.

Wit of the staircase

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could choose not to be affected by anything? What if we were fearless and could say whatever we wanted to say to whosoever, exactly when we wanted to say it…instead of curling up in our comfort blanket and contemplating what we’ll say to them the next day.

I hate being hurt, I hate crying. I wish I could do away with it. How do we undo our emotions? How can we feel strong when nothing goes right? I wonder if the want to be happy makes one a bad person...

I’ve realized that it’s better to swallow pain than talk about it and not be understood. Yes, maybe I’m a selfish bitch who cares a damn about you….but I still do get hurt and it’s not wrong. Yes, little silly things upset me…but that’s what separates me from the others, isn’t it?

Side-effects of job interviews!

I hate growing up.
I hate having to worry about getting a job.
I hate the fact that in my industry, the slutty, wannabe ass-wipes are doing better.

Yes, maybe I’m jealous and bitter...but I am justified. Some people doing better than me don’t deserve it...simple fact.

People suck. Their mentalities suck.
I hate people suddenly turning into scheming bastards for a simple job.

Where I stand, I see the whole utopian idea of “being a good human being” just vanish into thin air. Suddenly ‘batch mates’ are ‘competitors’ who apparently have nothing better to do than secretly plan about ‘snatching your seat’. God! I feel like I could choke every time someone says “friends” in a Group discussion...you can feel all the sarcasm and hatred just ooze out with that one small, meaningful word.
Barely 21 yr olds interacting with each other just to see how good they are compared to the other...to find each other’s weaknesses (so they know where to attack)...to know each other’s strengths (so they know where NOT to attack)...fighting for jobs...
THAT is what life has finally boiled down to.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to school...when people actually felt good for each other...when I actually had friends who cried with me (Shakun..Ahana, love you guys!)...when people would cheer each other up during stressful times...I could go on and on forever!

Miss everything about everything before college. I hope I can feel so intensely about college someday (seems very unlikely, but I do hope so!)

And yes, I did get a job too.

SOS

Neha needs a vacation.
I’m sick and tired of college, tired of trying to be at my best behavior, of trying to keep up with the “super-womanly” image I’ve created for myself…..I’m even tired of friends and family. Recently, I’ve been dealing with two kinds of people… (a) People who think I can handle it all and can NEVER screw up, and (b) people who are expecting me to screw up. Either way, I end up losing – I obviously disappoint a lot of those from category (a) and I disappoint myself by trying too hard for those from category (b). If for once I give up, I’m the scum that lives in the dirtiest corner of a pond! I’m selfish and arrogant.
In a social surrounding, I don’t feel it’s constantly necessary to scan people and take out flaws all the time. It’s alright to have a conversation without an ulterior motive. But no! For a certain somebody…that makes me stupid and naïve. It’s not ok to chit-chat with anyone without a purpose.
Blah blah blah…there’s just so much more; I just don’t feel like racking my brains anymore! I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m tired of people telling me I’m wrong. Maybe their “wrong” is just right for me. I’ll learn eventually, maybe…but for now, I just need everyone to back off just a little bit.
Breathe, Neha, breathe…

Breaking News

Hmm…to be honest, I’m still in a state of shock. For the past one week, I’ve been wondering if I’ll be a part of the committee in college, at the most I was expecting a post as the Cultural Secretary. Finally, the long awaited meeting was held today. Did I become a part of the committee? Yes, I did. Did I become a Cultural Secretary? No, I didn’t. hee ehee… am I upset?? N-O NO! Much to my surprise, I became the Joint Secretary of the college (a.k.a. Vice President)…woah! I don’t think the thought has still sunk in because as RJ puts it, I got a lot more than I was expecting. I think he’s right...
This time I’m genuinely stunned. And honored. And proud…cheers to me :)

Million Dollar Question..

“What do you do and what would you want to do?”

I wonder how many people would have the same answer for both parts of the question. I don’t. Isn’t it hypocrisy at its supreme?! And the contradiction continues…
I’m a passionate dancer, but, am too scared to give in to it. I know I’m a wonderful dancer but I fear I might not be good enough. I fear I might lose the respect and support of everyone whose lives are attached to mine and yet I know these are the people who will see me through my worst times. So what do I do? I shift my career focus elsewhere. Am I happy about it? Sure, I’m not sad it about it either!
Sometimes while exploring your only dream, you discover newer ones. Maybe not always as good as the old one, but good enough to keep you occupied. That, I guess, is a brief prelude to my story. However, in some dingy corner, a small flickering flame continued to burn…bearing blow after blow and even then, adamant not to fizzle out. Ofcourse, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The old flame is burning with all its might now, almost as if threatening to consume everything that competes with it...if only it had words, I’m sure you would hear too. It finds ways to pull me back to itself, proving once again how in control it is. Yes, I invited it back…but was it ever out of my life to begin with!

Such has been my career shift, that no matter how much I want to, I cannot master two things at one time. I bet even Superwoman wouldn’t challenge me on this one! Do I walk out on a success that is oh-so-close and tread into a world I’ve fantasized about for as long as I can remember? I neither can, nor do I want to answer that one. I’m too practical and yet fiercely passionate. Sadly, passion and practicality are forever at war. Why me? Why do I have so much to lose if I choose to be selfish? Only I know how passionately I feel about dancing…why can’t I let the world know too…
I have decided that there is such a thing as Luck…which obviously pays me a visit at all the wrong times. Besides, how else will you explain less deserving ones ‘playing in the lap of success?

Natasha Thomas - Skin Deep

listen carefully ladies...then make the boys listen..

psst....check out her earrings!