I thought you know how much I love you
So that you know you can turn to me,
Believe that I can solve all your problems
Because I've been through them too.
I don't want to obstruct your growth,
I know you have to learn your way;
But how can I stop worrying about you -
The little girl I've seen grow night and day.
I miss seeing you grin all day long
And never go to your room even when you were told;
Now you choose to keep your door locked,
And not come out till your dinner turns cold.
I wish you wouldn't trust people so easily,
I know how it feels at your age...
I know you hate me when I stand in the the way,
But to protect you, I shall bear your rage.
I know friends are all important for you now,
And it feels like only they can understand you;
But believe me there's nothing like family,
Believe me I've been through this time too.
I was your age not too long back,
So I know everything you're going through;
I just wish you'd have more faith in me,
I would never mean any harm to you.
I'm proud of what you are today
A lot collected than I was back then,
You're beautiful and so very talented -
In my books you'd always get a perfect ten.
Let arrogance not hide what's there to see -
There is a lot of love waiting for you;
You may not see it right away sis,
But your big sister I shall always be.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I thought you know how much I love you
Thursday, June 26, 2008
In my college at the moment, waiting for some lazy government office clerks to type out some very important papers for me. It's 20 minutes past their lunchtime and they still refuse to move a finger!! It's frustrating...waiting for over three hours now and I swear I've never wanted to whack someone so badly!
Oh but wait!this isn't where my frustration begun...no Sir-ie! Our (not-so-)beloved principal (after a lot of reminders) promised to keep my letter ready today. If you're guessing that he didn't keep it ready, you're obviously right. duh. wait. that isn't all. The dimwit is out of town for another 2 weeks!! So...more running about, and thank God for small miracles...I found other faculty members who could execute the work for me.
But alas...it's all come down to this one lazy, repulsive, barely 5' clerk who apparently needs time to digest every single grain that's gone in his stomach...
Another 15 minutes...and then he's toast!
I just realised that in all my emotional angst I overlooked the fact that I am actually this close to striking off two things from my Wish List...
(1) Do my masters abroad
London. No, I am not against the Indian education system, nor do I have anything against my country. It's only a wish I've harboured since a long time now. I want to explore a new continent/country/city/culture...be on my own for sometime. So, peace.
(2) Get a butterfly tattoo (Originally meant to be my first)
I have the design finalised, so I hope to get it get it inked soon. Butterfly tattoos signify freedom, change and growth...three words that pretty much sum up my life right now. Maybe this was the Greater reason why the butterfly was not meant to be my first tattoo...
Of course, there are a few other wishes and I'm confident I'll strike 'em all off my list one day. For now, these are it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
It's hurting so bad, I want to cry because I know it'll make me feel lighter. I can't. I feel so numb that even the tears wont flow.There's a blunt ache in my being that refuses to go away...
Monday, June 16, 2008
Too consumed to see
Too numb to feel
Too angry to touch
Too hurt to heal
Too shy to talk
Too engulfed to hear
Too busy to call
Too far to be near
Too certain to renew
Too weak to try
Too afraid to ask
Too proud to cry
Too ashamed to admit
Too stubborn to need
Too upset to smile
Too arrogant to plead
Too hard to crack
Too stupid to realise
Too lifeless to act
Too late to love back..
Thank you for finally being the person I knew once upon a time. I never hated you, never even tried to...you have too much goodness in you to overlook.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Why can’t you just accept the fact that I am better off now? I feel so much stronger. Stop making me feel guilty with your sentimental one-liners. I do have a heart and it does get affected. Not because I love you, but because I’m a good human being. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you but you’ve hurt me too…and did you ever apologise? You’ve hurt me in such ways that I can’t even confide in anyone…why? Because I do care what people will think of you. I have no way to heal any of the pain you’ve caused me…every time that it does cross my mind, I pray that time will make it go away.
You accused me several times of having lost faith in you, but tell me…why did I lose it in the first place and more importantly, did you honestly ever try to restore it?
You were a part of every aspect of my life, except the part which involved only you and me…things don’t magically get better…ignorance does not make problems disappear. Life becomes more complicated with age and time…and so do problems. You kept putting off discussions to “when the time is right”…was it ever? So much so that I got used to it, knowing how much damage it was doing to me, to us. But then again, could I ever win over your temper? I don’t know how time went by after that but I panicked the day I realised that I couldn’t talk about what was hurting me even when I was desperately trying to...at least not with a deadline of the “next 5 seconds”. You asked me to speak without the fear of consequences…but how do you talk when the person you’re talking to makes it crystal clear that they aren’t listening? And I’m sorry, but with you consequences were too severe…I had to fear them.
You do not punish the people you love to teach them lessons! I’ve always wanted to tell you that. How could you just take it upon yourself to “prepare” me for an unseen (supposedly difficult) future by intentionally making my life inconvenient? When you love someone, you try to make your lover’s life as uncomplicated as possible…you should make your lover feel like no harm can ever touch her in your presence. That’s security to me.
I gave you the rights to hurt me...remember how I used to tell you initially that for all the love you gave me, a little bit of hurt was alright? I was wrong. I think you misunderstood and exercised your rights to the fullest…
I lost my power of expression because of you…if I’m writing so much now; it is to rediscover that lost part of me. I became impractical and obsessive…I became my own worst nightmare. I’m trying to undo all of that…if you can’t help me, please at least don’t stand in the way.
I haven’t cried since a long time now and it feels wonderful. I have the rights to feel that way…and so do you. What we had was very special, very close to my heart...I’m sorry you can’t remember any of the good times. I always will. Please don’t try to take that away from me…
Be happy. Strangely my happiness still includes you.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Dated : 11/02/08
I wonder what it would be like
To wake up one day and forget all words,
Have no way to express myself
And go through life ignored and unheard..
Or maybe say everything you need to say,
Thinking, hoping, praying it will suffice,
And then be met with aloofness..
At most a meaningless apology -
full of sentiments as warm as ice.
I wonder if love is not just a feeling,
But also an unstated license to hurt..
A license to empower the one you love
To mould you into someone he can like
I wonder why 'flaws' can't stay with me
And be as accepted as everything else..
Please don't tell me I'm inferior to you -
I won't accompany you in belittling myself.