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    Monday, July 27, 2009

    I Am.

    A sun catcher, a wind chime -

    I hold what you can never see;

    I am the thought that lingers,

    I am the only forbidden glee.

    I’m the music you can’t recreate,

    The rhythm you cannot fight;

    You play me all you want -

    I’m the tune you can never get right.

    The moment of truth, I am,

    A reflection staring back at you;

    I am the reason you look away,

    In nothingness, I’m all that’s true.

    I’m the drop that tempts your lips,

    The warmth that draws you close;

    I’m the wind beneath your wings,

    I’m the inner glow that shows.

    A reason you cannot reason with,

    The answer you’ve always known;

    I am the question that’ll remain

    And leave you tattered and torn.

    The power that makes you weak,

    Or the love that can fill your life;

    I’m the home you wish you had,

    The cause of an eternal strife.

    A sun catcher, a wind chime,

    The raging water behind a dam!

    Your heartbeats race and skip,

    You can love because I am.

    Wednesday, July 22, 2009

    Proudly Bangali!

    If my Bengali teachers from school could see of the following two things could happen-
    · They’d be overwhelmed and die with a smile on their face.
    · They’d die out of shock.
    Heehe...either way, they’d die!

    Yes, I’m a Bengali and proudly so! But honestly I’ve never really been drawn towards Bengali literature in a grand way- maybe just the popular ones or the ones that “every Bengali must know”. No, it has never been a matter of cool and just never happened. You get the picture, right? Needless to say, my bangla has always been a little kacha. I can speak the language fluently, I know the letters but expressing myself the way I do in English...bleh.

    Then something weird happened. After coming to London, as EVERYBODY knows, I’ve been missing home terribly. So much so that I’ve been listening to a lot of Bengali music and watching many Bengali movies...just to feel a little at home. Yes yes, very strange I am. I listen to Dean Martin, The Doors and Anjan Dutta back to back. I despise all the hip-hop music that’s oh-so-in now! Anyhow, coming back to the subject! I ended up writing a poem in Bengali last night. Happened. Words just came to me. It may not be a masterpiece...but I’m so very proud!

    হারানো ভালোবাসা

    কোথায় তুমি হারিয়ে গেলে -

    বুঝেও বুঝতে পারছি না;

    কত কথা মনে পড়ে,

    চেষ্টা করেও ভোলা যায় না।

    শুধু তোমার হতে চাই,

    তোমাকে চাই নিজের কাছে;

    একটা চাপা রহশ্যের মত,

    থাকতে চাই মনের ফাকে।

    একটা নিঃশব্দ রাতের মত,

    সব জেনেও কিছু না বলতে চায়-

    রইল এই হারানো ভালোবাসা,

    কিছু নির্বাক পাতায় পাতায়...

    And before you extra-patient readers boycott my’s what it would read as:

    Harano Bhalobasha

    Kothay tumi hariye gele-
    Bujheo bujhte parchi na;
    Koto kotha mone pore,
    Chesta koreo bhola jaey na.
    Shudhu tomar hote chaiy,
    Tomake chaiy nijer kache;
    Ekta chapa rohoshyer moto;
    Thakte chaiy moner phake.
    Ekta nishobdo raater moto,
    Shob jeneo kichu na bolte chaey-
    Roiylo eiy harano bhalobasha,
    Kichu nirbak patay patay.

    *sigh* I’m so proud :)

    Tuesday, July 21, 2009

    Silent Scream

    Do you know you’re on my mind?

    That the thoughts are agonizingly deep?

    Do you know I stay awake all night?

    That is if I don’t cry myself to sleep.

    It’s hurtful to know I’m such a bother,

    That you’d rather stay away from me…

    For you, I’ve killed a part of myself;

    Dreams, my eyes no longer see.

    You make me feel like such a tease,

    A few good laughs is all I am…

    I neither deserve nor can want no more,

    Every smile on my lips- a new sham.

    It’s amazing how oblivious you are

    In this tug of love and hate;

    As you turn around and brush it off-

    I watch my heart burn at stake…

    Saturday, July 18, 2009

    Brown eyed girl

    He observed her from a distance. She was with a few girls her own age. Friends probably. He watched her as they chatted away to glory. It was almost as if she’d programmed herself to laugh or pass a comment at certain intervals just so her friends wouldn’t suspect anything. But she couldn’t fool him. She had the saddest eyes he had ever seen. Every now and then her eyes would become glassy and just then she’d laugh loudly as if to push back the tears to a safer place. He had a strong urge to walk over to their table, pull her away and look in her eyes till she broke down. But he was a decent man so he forced himself to look away. He took his coffee and headed back to his office.

    He thought about her all day. All day while he typed away and gave orders and signed papers, he couldn’t stop thinking about the girl with the sad eyes. “What was it about her?” he thought to himself as he got ready to head back home. “Maybe she just had a bad day”... “No no! There was lot more behind those brown eyes”. The debate with himself continued all the way to tube station.

    The train was packed. Office hours were always a nightmare for London Underground. But he was too consumed to take notice. It was only when someone almost knocked him over, did he look around…and there she was- standing in a corner, trying to become invisible. Her eyes didn’t meet anyone, not the smallest trace of a smile on her face. He didn’t realize how time flew in the crowded train…he didn’t realize when the crowd subsided and that they were now sitting across from one another. Suddenly he realized she was looking straight at him, slightly displeased, probably because he was unconsciously staring at her. He managed to salvage the remaining scraps of his dignity and smiled back at her…

    “Hot, huh?” Were the words he managed to cough up and immediately wished a portal would open up right then and suck him in!

    “Yes, it is an exceptionally hot day...” she responded politely. Boy was he glad she understood what he intended to say! Her voice was deep, almost pained. He immediately knew it was one voice he’d remember all his life. He was tempted to hear more, so he decided to push his luck further… “If you don’t mind me saying so, you have very beautiful eyes”

    She looked more surprised than offended or pleased. Managing a polite smile she thanked him and plugged in her headphones to avoid further conversations with the strange stranger.

    She pretended to listen to music. She often did that to avoid people – plug in her headphones and not play any music. She wanted to be accustomed to being alone...she had to become used to being silent and invisible. She could no longer be the feisty person she was once. Her spark, her pride had become the biggest obstacle in her life. The lesser she spoke, the lesser troubles she had. She didn’t realize when a defiant drop of tear escaped her strong will.

    He didn’t miss it. He knew she wasn’t listening to anything…eyes like those would’ve reacted to music. Those eyes gave away too easily. He got up from his seat and took a seat beside her and offered her a tissue he rummaged from his bag. Without looking up, she accepted it and dabbed her eyes.

    She was prettier up close and he had to fight hard to resist wiping away the tear himself. Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment which rendered it a little colour where it was initially pale. He smiled as she bit her lower lip in an attempt to stop the tears from resurfacing. Her stubbornness was almost amusing to watch.

    “Thanks.” She said, interrupting his thoughts, “Something must’ve gotten into my eyes.” She lied. Those eyes weren’t meant for secrets. As if almost reading his thoughts, she quickly looked away and plugged in her silent headphones again.

    “There’s no music” he blurted out but didn’t feel obliged to apologize.

    “I beg your pardon?”

    “You’re not listening to any music. I can tell.”

    “I didn’t ask” She snapped back.

    “I was with her for six years. I was going to ask her to marry me. Then she left me for another man. She never even told me why she was unhappy with me. It broke my heart.”

    “Why are you telling me all this?” she looked genuinely confused.

    “Because you will forget everything the minute you get off this train. And I’ll still be lightened of a burden I’ve been carrying around for quite some time now.”

    She said nothing, just continued to stare at this stranger. Yet they both completely understood what he was saying and what he was not saying.

    She didn’t attempt to break eye contact anymore, almost as if daring him to keep up with her.

    They always looked away.

    But he wouldn’t. He was mesmerized by her eyes, touched by the pain she was feeling.

    Her eyes became glassy and for the first time in the entire day, he saw a hint of helpless rage her eyes. He still didn’t look away.

    Her eyes softened, “I love someone who is irritated by my very presence…who doesn’t have the patience or the tolerance to listen to any of my thoughts, ideas, complains or suggestions. I love someone who won’t even be in the same room as me when I cry…let alone put a loving arm around me. I’m in love with someone who is enraged by the very existence of me in his life. Yet, I’m accused everyday of being blind to his love.”

    He didn’t look away, just wiped away the tears that had finally escaped. “Do you need some water?”

    “No, thank you. I’m fine.” Having said that, she looked at him and they both laughed…the word ‘fine’ was probably the most misused word in history.

    “Your eyes are beautiful when you cry and even more so when you laugh.”

    “Thank you…for everything.”

    “My pleasure”

    They continued the remaining journey in silence. But a refreshingly peaceful silence.

    “I get off at the next stop” she said breaking the silence. Her eyes were still sad but there was a hint of life in them.

    “Goodnight. I hope we cross paths again.” he smiled at her, engaging her eyes again.

    “Maybe. Goodnight.” She smiled back at him.

    But only did their eyes communicate the truth and left them both slightly heartbroken and slightly more alive than they were.

    Monday, July 13, 2009

    Tag :)

    Was in one of those random moods, trying to divert my I decided to do this Tag 'cause I really liked it. Picked this one up from Annie's blog...

    Ten Things You Wish You Could Say to People, don’t take any names

    1. Thank you for being there for me sis. I love you till the end! I know you’re still hurting…and it breaks my heart to see you pretending each day. Let it go.
    2. You truly are a gem. When uncle passed away…I remember going to your place to console you and I remember just standing there. No words seemed suitable enough. I still think about it and I don’t know what I should’ve told you. I came home that night and wrote something that I haven’t shown to anybody ever.
    3. I can’t say this enough…you screwed up. Nothing more, nothing less. Please don’t give her any more importance than that in your life. I trust you. Soul mates forever!
    4. I’m sorry for everything I said that evening. It’s something that I will never forgive myself for. I am so much like you…I only wish I had even a fraction of your generosity. Thank you for letting me spread my wings and choose my own flight at every point in my life.
    5. I stayed awake till I was certain you were asleep…I was so terrified, I got up in the middle of the night to check if you were breathing. I think it was in those four days that we became closer. I love you for everything you do for us. I don’t think I thank you enough. I miss the you-me times...the movies, lunches, shopping, even the early morning workouts I’d complain about! Most of all I miss the weekend movie screening at home :(
    6. I hope you get the same treatment in your old age.
    7. You were too short for me :P
    8. I wish I could cut you out of my life. You’re the only mistake I regret making. I won’t be yours even if you’re the last man alive! Scheme your way through that.
    9. “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.” How true, isn’t it? You’ll always have a part of me.
    10. My silence haunts me every second of everyday…when will you notice?

    Nine things about you

    1. I’m a Body Shop addict. I love their body butters…I have ‘em in coconut, brazil nut, mango, strawberry, passion fruit and peach (the last two being my favourites...they smell good enough to eat!). I love how their honey shampoo smells…it’s currently one of my favourite smells. Which reminds me…I always smell divine ;)
    2. I’m a clumsy twat! I drop almost everything I touch.
    3. I have nine piercings (all on the ears) and one tattoo.
    4. I’m trained in western and latin dance. There was a time in my life I wanted to be nothing but a dancer.
    5. As unbelievable as it might be…I’m actually uncomfortable with all the emotional stuff. That’s why I write.
    6. I’m painfully boring :P
    7. I’m an awesome cook. And I don’t mean a couple amazing dishes …we’re talking multiple courses-various cuisines-awesome!
    8. I have scarily expressive eyes. Sometimes when I’m angry…just one look does the trick.
    9. I honestly believe love isn’t made for me. ‘Tis no melodramatic line…it’s a carefully analyzed, practical conclusion.

    Eight ways to win your heart

    haahah…I have no clue! Sudden gestures catch my fancy. But will give it shot…
    1. Be confident. I’ve grown out of the shy-guys phase.
    2. Be a gentleman. Treat me like a lady. Simple?
    3. Take the pains of preparing a fancy dinner for me/with me once in a while and enjoying it candle lit.
    4. Slow dance with me in the rain. Once.
    5. Write something for me.
    6. Love my quirks.
    7. Catch me unawares with a kiss now and then.
    8. Win the hearts of my family members :)

    Seven things that are on your mind a lot

    1. He
    2. He
    3. He
    4. He
    5. He
    6. He
    7. What next (career, life, etc etc)

    Six things you wish you never did

    1. Leave dancing (as in the BIG way)
    2. Get that horrendous hair cut when I was 13!
    3. Errr…wax myself. Very traumatic experience. Don’t ask!
    4. Kiss him.
    5. Keep quiet when I shouldn’t
    6. Fall weak time and time again.

    Five things that turn you off

    1. Compulsive lying.
    2. Wrong English.
    3. The yo-man-mah-lyfe-so-kewl types!
    4. Body odour/ bad breath
    5. “Baby” (!!!)

    Four turn on’s

    1. Confidence
    2. Intelligence
    3. Wit
    4. Humor with a touch of sarcasm

    Three things you want to do before you die

    1. Travel alone
    2. Be famous
    3. Change at least one life (for the better.)

    Two smileys that describe you

    1. :|
    2. :(

    One confession

    • I have no idea where all this is headed. All I know is that I need you.

    Thursday, July 09, 2009

    The Eternal Flame

    A flame that’s inextinguishable

    You truly are…

    A fire that consumes everything,

    An uncontrolled power.

    You’re the sun -

    Warm, inviting on a cold grey day;

    Ruthless too you are,

    To everything that comes your way.

    You’re a light that glows forever,

    Too bright to be concealed.

    Yet hidden you’ll remain in me,

    Too precious to be revealed.

    Friday, July 03, 2009


    Ok. Long story short...I accidentally deleted my old blog template (yes, stupid! I know, I know). So, this is my temporary/ trial template...I'm still on the prowl for better ones! Suggestions are most welcome!


    Thursday, July 02, 2009


    You said you’d be there if I needed you,

    You said you knew each breath and pore;

    Why then are you so distant

    Now that I need you ever more?

    I’m hurting beyond belief,

    And no one I want to turn to…

    I can’t suffer in silence anymore

    Can’t you see that I need you?

    You- a blunt ache in my heart

    To which only you are the cure;

    Addictive as narcotics you are,

    You leave me begging for more.

    Don’t you hear my silent pleas

    Or is my silence finally dead?

    You so willingly to cut my voice;

    But love, has everything been said?

    I’m powerless when I’m with you,

    And lifeless when I’m not…

    You - my conviction,

    You’re all the love I’ve got.

    Do you hear me now?

    Now that I’m bleeding out;

    I need you oh so much,

    I need you without a doubt.