Saturday

Saturday

23^rd September, 2006

There was a loud screech and before he could understand anything, he was surrounded by shards of glass, twisted metal and the smell of burnt rubber. Then a sharp pain jabbed him in his ribs and he could taste blood…he tried to move but his limbs betrayed him. He had to call for help but his cell phone was nowhere in sight…he mouthed a bleak “help” but even he couldn’t hear his own voice. It was so dark and the trees blocked every bit of light…everything seemed to freeze around him. He could feel his heart beat faster, his head reeled with all the unfinished work…all the promises he wouldn’t be able to keep…the smiles he would no longer see…the tears he'd no longer wipe…the touch he’d no longer feel…

His entire life unfolded in front of his eyes...did she know how much he loved her? That she’d always been on his mind since the day he’d seen her? He had to tell her that the only reason why he wasn’t listening to her complain that day was because he couldn't stop thinking how incredibly beautiful she looked with that tiny droplet of water trickling down from her wet hair to her glistening, red cheeks…

He loved hearing her hum along with the radio when she was cooking…he looked forward to it everyday while coming back from work. But, did she know? He desperately wanted to tell her that she wasn’t a bad singer at all…her voice was mesmerizing…

She needed to know how sorry he was for screaming at her last month…it was only a car! He should’ve told her how relieved he was that she was unhurt. He wanted to let her know how much he hated himself for all the times he screamed at her...given another chance, he’d correct himself…just ONE chance…

He wasn’t ungrateful…he thanked God everyday for her presence in his life. He was so grateful to her for standing by his side through his difficult times…for holding him even when he pushed her away…for understanding when he needed to be alone…for never forcing him to go shopping with her…for not asking him to run any errands during cricket matches…for picking up after him everyday for the last four years! How he wished he would’ve held her once and thanked her out loud…

She needed to know that he wasn’t jealous of her success…he was only frustrated with his failure. He was proud of her, very very proud. He was sorry for the time he snapped at her and asked her not to talk about work…he wished with all his heart now that she hadn’t obeyed. He had seen the sadness in her eyes…he should’ve apologised right then.

The only reason why he got angry when she cut her hair was because he would miss the way her hair picked up the breeze and gently grazed his face when they went out for their walk every night…the way it fell on her face when she slept, he would miss pushing that particular lock of hair away from her face in the middle of the night when he got up for a glass of water. He cursed himself for being angry…she looked beautiful anyway!

He had to explain that never for once he suspected her or doubted her love…it was only that colleague he didn’t trust; he wished she’d seen that bastard’s dirty gaze! Like a fool, he had taken out his anger on her, as if it was her fault....how he wished he could tell her it wasn't. God, he loved how simple she was…how she wouldn’t think ill about anyone…he was worried that it would be this simplicity of hers that would put her in harm’s way…

She was the only reason why he looked forward to coming back home from work for the last seven years...how would she ever know now...

He gasped for air as he felt a sharp pain shooting up to his head; but that felt like nothing compared to the pain he felt in his soul for not being able to tell her how much he loved her...how desperately he wanted her back...

His heart broke with the thought that she'd be waiting and how he'd disappoint her again...his grip tightened around the letter, now soaked in his blood, as he breathed his last…

My love…

I know you love me; I can still feel it in my heart…the very heart which is now very confused as to why its only companion is so lost, so changed…I have nobody in this world but you and it pains me so much to see our love die each day…

Seven years back we promised to resolve every fight with a hug. We promised we’d sort it out in between kisses (“if we pull away”, is what you used to say)...every time we have a fight now and you push me away, I wonder if you’ve forgotten. No...I KNOW you’ve forgotten.

Too much has been taken for granted…too much has been forgotten, put aside. So I must do this for that forgotten love…I know you’ll never realise unless I go away. Know it within your heart that I will never stop loving you. Take as much time as you need and come to me only when you’re certain. I’ll wait for you…every Saturday, where we first met…just like old times.

…Forever yours

More than meets the eye...

I've had this little stone for about 9/10 years now. I found it in a pile of stone chips in Thailand and imagine a twelve year old's excitement in finding a 'heart' amidst lifeless stones. I immediately fell in love with it...the shape - the delicate heart-shape...the colours - a blend of fiery shades of red, like a fire burning in our hearts...the feel of it in my hand - smooth and cold at first, but warm as soon as I place it on my palm...and then the crack down its centre - almost as if it was left there deliberately to remind us that a broken heart can never be mended without leaving a permanent scar behind. Yet it stood out so bright - as if to tell us to never lose faith in love and that love comes to us when and where we least expect it and in the oddest forms...we just need to look beyond the disguise. Of course, these are not the thoughts that crossed my mind when I was twelve (!!)...just the lessons it seems to have taught me over the past couple of years.

As to why I'm sharing this completely invalid piece of information...I was just going through some random blogs and found out that a"Heart Rock" is basically any rock that's naturally shaped like a heart. Owing to its uncommonness and (obviously) the lovely shape, it is collected quite enthusiastically. Read THIS

True Calling

We’re all just a figment of our imagination. The strong ones have the courage to imagine boundlessly and the one’s who can’t, fall weak.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all understand this simple fact? We make our own personalities…we take in all the qualities we want to and leave out the ones we don’t like. So why do we not have the strength to look outside of ourselves, outside of our cocoon and be something we thought we could never be! We live life following examples, running after what a billion others are pursuing…sometimes even forgetting what it is that we’re after. I think we all have a True Calling but most of us choose not to hear it, afraid of the hardships we might have to face, afraid of what people might think…so we hide it somewhere where even we won’t find it. Then live our lives pretending like it never happened…we work harder, earn more money, find solace in our loved ones…and secretly hope that someday all this will fill the void.

P.S. ‘Life is a song’ by Patrick Park is what I was listening to when I decided to write this article.

P.P.S. It’s the 2^nd song that plays while you’re going through my blog… :)

Pardoxes of love: The Clueless Clairvoyant

• The Idealist
• The Pragmatist
• The Clueless Clairvoyant.

TI: Let’s float on clouds, spread wings and fly!
TP: Let’s work for now or tomorrow we’ll cry.
TI: Who cares for tomorrow, forever we shall be...
TP: Oh come on! There is no such thing as eternity.

TI: I’ll leave it to luck; time will take care of it all,
TP: Waiting around will only cause our downfall.
TI: I have big ambitions – a secret I can’t reveal
TP: I must! I must show the world I have the zeal!

TI: My life is complicated because I won’t speak
TP: Speaking isn’t simpler! It’s a listening ear I seek.
TI: I cry alone and to the world I always smile
TP: I haven’t done either in quite a while.

TI: I know you’re my destiny, the love of my life…
TP: There’s so much heartache, so much strife!
TI: Close your eyes; you’ll be untouched by grief
TP: Don’t be foolish! We must resolve each tiff.
TI: All that matters is how the journey ends
TP: In the journey it’s important to make amends!
TI: I have faith; therefore I don’t need to hear
TP: Like the rest, you too turned a deaf ear…

TI: You can’t hurt me; I’ve decided I can feel no more,
TP: The tears will no longer stop, my heart feels sore.
TI: Not now- we have forever to come back on track
TP: What’s lost is lost- time will never come back…

Every time they meet,they will be weak
And tread into a familiar maze
They will laugh, they will cry,
And will even get lost in each other’s gaze…
They will always silently understand
Even the other’s unspoken secrets
And even from a thousand miles away,
Sense it if the other frets.
All their lives they’ll need each other –
A truth they had learnt early on
How then can they change this dreaded habit,
Now that the magic is all gone?
They’ll never be like any other we know-
Who turn away and never look back;
Even when they'll be apart,
They’ll fill in where the other may lack.
They don’t care what well-wishers think,
What consequences they shall see;
Even if they are apart,
In some way together they will always be.
I know…I know that time will come;
Till then both of you listen to me…
I believe in my heart of hearts,
I believe together you both shall be.

~CC

P.S.....thank you for the title. You know who you are :)

Am I just being too naive...are people really right about you? Or do I just know you so well that I don't need to listen to others? I can't decide anymore...my belief in you seems so shaken. I've fought for you all the time but this time I'm failing miserably. My heart refuses to accept that you of all people could be calculative. Yes, you did catch me at my weakest time...and you knew very well that I needed you more than anyone else....and you, as every other time, were there for me. I don't want to believe that was out of motive...I didn't see it then, it seemed to me like you were giving me time and space to consider your feelings...but instead, everything you told me, everything you did made me weaker and for the first time in my life I was insecure. At such a juncture, I just couldn't bear the thought of losing my best friend. I've never been insecure or jealous...could that mean something? I decided too quickly that it did.
I understand how you feel and why you might have calculated your moves...but does that make it right? I don't know. I was so dazed, your "plan" worked perfectly on me...but is it right to lay out a trap to "lure in" the one you love? I don't know that either. You know me better than anybody else...how will I ever believe that everything that is happening is not calculated? How will I believe that you won't continue playing on my weaknesses?
If the fear of losing the one you love makes you think and device foolproof plans...then I'm not even sure if you can call it love...