I let the rain pour today

I let the rain pour today…

Though crevices of my heart

And the cracks in my shield;

I let the rain pour today

And wash away the layers.

I stood still when lightning struck,

I stood still as it poured,

I soaked every drop that fell,

I stood still as thunder roared.

I let the rain tangle my hair,

And free it from its glossy form;

I let the wind through its maze,

And be unleashed in the storm.

I let my thoughts drift to you…

To memories only I’ll ever know;

I didn’t stop the tear that dropped,

I couldn’t hide the iridescent glow.

I let the rain pour today,

Let it pour in all its might;

I let my heart be drenched

Hoping it would heal just a slight…

unsaid

I wish I could let go of

Every touch and every dream,

Every skipped heartbeat

And every silent scream…

I don’t believe

A word you speak now,

The rage you intentionally spew;

I respect every bit of your being

Unfortunately I have a heart too…

You’ve left a mark on me that I won’t be able to undo for as long as I live. A mark that’s sadistically beautiful –almost as if it feeds off the pain to engrave itself deeper on my being. A part of me is too busy pretending not to care. And the other part doesn’t quite give a damn. And somewhere between these two is a speck of a heart which only knows how to ache longingly. I think about the choices I could’ve made…the times I could’ve pulled myself out…the times I could’ve stopped myself from believing…believing in the goodness, the blatant wooing, the beautiful coincidence of it all. And I'm left wondering what to believe. I’m still holding onto all that. Maybe because I’d much rather not see this side of you. A cold, indifferent you. I don’t understand.

Do I still have love left in me?

Yes.

Do I want to have love left in me?

No.

Serendipity

“Hmm”

“I wish you had this view”

“I wish I had you.”

“Hmm.”

“Hmm..”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, tell me!”

“Won’t. Too deep, too bare. So you better not dare.”

“Hmm”

“Good.”

“You’re stubborn.”

“So are you!”

“I still can’t get you to tell me anything.”

“I wanted to kiss you..”

“Don’t go there…”

“Fine.”

“Don’t be angry…just stay with me.”

“And be leashed! No way!”

“Fine. Go. Is that all you ever want?”

“I want you. Your hopes, your dreams, your anguish, your pain. Your body is beautiful. And your soul is divine. I want all this. And more.”

“Hmm..”

“Fine. Bye!”

“Come on…don’t go!”

“Already gone.”

“Fine. Bye.”

“Hmm..”

“What now?”

“Nothing.”

“Then go away.”

“Nope.”

“Leave me alone, will you!”

“Won’t. We’re meant to be together.”

“And that’s why you keep coming and going as you please! You hurt me..”

“You hurt me too love.”

“Then why do you keep coming back?”

“Because you are home.”

Stay with me...

Stay with me tonight

Just tonight don’t let go of me;

I’ll pour my heart out to you,

Show you everything there is to see.

My soul is so full of scars,

I’m afraid it’ll frighten you...

I want to tell you everything

No lies, only what is true.

Hold me and take me in your arms,

When I don’t have the courage to talk.

Kiss my hand gently,

Whisk me away for a midnight walk.

Stay with me even when I resist,

Even if I push you away.

Stay a little while longer,

Stay with me through this day…

you

A heartache brewing from the past,

A familiar scent that will never last,

A desire so strong, so enticing again,

Like the scorched earth after the rain.

You’re a path I’d tread without seeing

With you I’m everything I’m afraid of being.

You’re everything I want, but I must leave;

Afraid if I linger, I might begin to believe…

Home

AND FINALLY. I’m home.

I cant remember being this happy in a long time now. Everything is so very wonderful - home, family, friends, familiar strangers in the park…even the heat, dust and noise…I don’t mind any bit of it. My friends might not know this but if you’re reading this, believe me I wanted to hug you and cry my guts out when I saw you. I’m that relieved and overwhelmed. I’m cold in person. Must change that :P

Last evening, I sat on top of our water reservoir and spent the most wonderful time alone. And for a change I didn’t feel lonely. I rediscovered bits of courage that I thought I’d exhausted. I’m not looking forward to going back to London, but I am looking forward to my future. Then I let my mind wander and for once I didn’t search for the stars and curse the pollution for not being able to find them. My stars were downstairs…maa in the kitchen preparing my favourite dinner, papa sorting through family pictures on the computer, and my vibrant little sisters fighting over the remote control for the TV despite having three televisions in the house!

*sigh*

I don’t want to go back.

Now before I forget, I want to send out a very special Thank You to a very special person...

Pearl, I know you wont be reading this anytime soon ( or maybe you will!)…but whenever you do, I want you to know that I don’t have words dear enough to thank you for what you’ve done for me. I have friends and best friends but over the last year or two, you’ve surpassed all that. You’re much much more to me…you’re my soul sister if there’s any such thing! It was your voice in my head that saved me from a huge mistake… it was you who gave me strength when I needed it the most. I’m so happy I got to meet you before you left and for that I owe you another huge thank you…it wouldn’t have been possible if not for you. I’ll miss you so very much :( and wherever you are gurl, always know that I’m only a phonecall (and a slightly expensive flight) away. Love you babes…

For all my friends who’re tossing up excuses for not being able to meet me…I’ll tell you about Pearl sometime.

P.S. I have some truly amazing friends. I might go on a rampage and ramble about all of them in my next post. Please bear with me!