I've spent the last three years cursing my college and almost everything about it.
These are the people who made it worthwhile...
Isn't it wonderful how you always remember every little story behind every single photograph??
I had a dream.
I was in Mumbai again. He and I were walking down the road where we used to take our midnight stroll - the same road I’d fallen in love with during my visit…the field, so much bigger without the children and the chaatwalas…the trees bathed in a warm yellow glow from the street lights…the hushed-up murmurs of the security guards – their faces smiling in relief on spotting familiar faces…the noise of traffic so afar…
Moonlit sky and just a slight breeze that made me snuggle up to him. As always, he put his arm around my waist.
He smiled.
(*sigh*…the dimple.)
We didn’t speak. We didn’t need to speak.
I don’t think we were intent on reaching anywhere at all…
I’m uninspired and couldn’t care lesser. I have GOT to study, I even want to study…so I sit with my books and pick up a pen. Well, that’s about it. *note to myself: PROCEED!
I miss the late night whispers
From the one voice I’m so used to;
I miss the silly, cute voices,
I just simply miss you.
I miss seeing you smile
And the dimple that followed next,
I miss the ‘mid-lecture stares’
And the hearts doodled on every text.
I miss the very brazen flirting-
Unaware and ignorant of everything!
I miss that look in your eyes
I miss the blush that it would bring.
I miss the accidental brush on my arms
And all the unexpected endearing words
I even miss listening to your songs
Which, a thousand times I’ve heard!
I miss the way you frown in confusion
And bite your lip in playfulness;
I miss the long comforting hugs
That could kill every ounce of stress.
I know I’ve cursed you countless times,
Cursed the fact that you made me cry
And every time I told you I hated you
I want you to know I told you a lie.
I miss the joy and laughter you brought,
As well as the occasional verbal knives!
I miss the excitement you brought in my life,
Without you I don’t feel quite alive.
I know there’s a lot more to come,
Memories after memories due-
But now I can’t really help myself,
I just simply miss you.
Neha usually writes when she is hurt/upset/angry...thus the blog entries are not that frequent.
Unforgiving moments
Unforgotten words
I hurt at every thought,
Slowly and slowly I numbly burn.
Your words burn my being
I burn in your love;
I burn in silence…
The silence burns me.
My wounds are out in the open
And yet you pretend not to see,
The ignorance burns my soul
How burnt do I have to be?
I know I’m the one to blame,
I choose to quietly burn…
Is it your fault the fire that engulfs me
Is none other than you?
There are some people in your life that you hardly share details with and yet they understand you so well that they stand by you whenever you need them, no questions asked. I have one such friend. Physically, he’s not present most of the times and when he is here I don’t really think he thinks about anything in depth! YET the few words of wisdom that he imparts unknowingly becomes my strength. Once when I expressed how anxious I was about joining college and my fears about not being accepted, he told me “no matter what you do, you cannot get everyone to love you. Remember that”. Now at the brink of my graduation, that is almost the only thing I can relate to!
I miss him dearly now. I’m upset and confused and my head and my heart hurts. I wish he was here right now to tell me what to do! I know I’m stubborn and twisted but the truth is no one but he can see through that temporary monster. It’s strange and wonderful how somebody can soothe you by just sitting beside you without speaking a word, without checking the watch or without trying to crack silly jokes to “lighten the mood”. It’s strange how it always works. Always.
Last day of the year and I’m in a state of confusion. I don’t want to be. I want to snap right out of it and feel alive. I feel guilty for some things I’ve done and yet I’m too angry, too stubborn to apologize for my mistakes. I feel like I’m doing the wrong thing, then again I know I’m doing it for the right cause…
This is my battle…my battle to be understood by the people I love the most. I’m tired of being misunderstood…tired of swallowing my pain so as not to hurt one of you. I want to have the rights to feel upset without being made to feel selfish. I get hurt, I’m human. To protect my pride, I will attack yours. Forgive me for that.
My only wish for the New Year would be that my loved ones see through my anger and see what it is that I’m actually feeling. I know it seems like I’m angry at you most of the times…well, I’m not. I’m only hurt and confused because I don’t know how to tell you.
