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    Saturday, June 07, 2008

    Why can’t you just accept the fact that I am better off now? I feel so much stronger. Stop making me feel guilty with your sentimental one-liners. I do have a heart and it does get affected. Not because I love you, but because I’m a good human being. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you but you’ve hurt me too…and did you ever apologise? You’ve hurt me in such ways that I can’t even confide in anyone…why? Because I do care what people will think of you. I have no way to heal any of the pain you’ve caused me…every time that it does cross my mind, I pray that time will make it go away.
    You accused me several times of having lost faith in you, but tell me…why did I lose it in the first place and more importantly, did you honestly ever try to restore it?
    You were a part of every aspect of my life, except the part which involved only you and me…things don’t magically get better…ignorance does not make problems disappear. Life becomes more complicated with age and time…and so do problems. You kept putting off discussions to “when the time is right”…was it ever? So much so that I got used to it, knowing how much damage it was doing to me, to us. But then again, could I ever win over your temper? I don’t know how time went by after that but I panicked the day I realised that I couldn’t talk about what was hurting me even when I was desperately trying least not with a deadline of the “next 5 seconds”. You asked me to speak without the fear of consequences…but how do you talk when the person you’re talking to makes it crystal clear that they aren’t listening? And I’m sorry, but with you consequences were too severe…I had to fear them.
    You do not punish the people you love to teach them lessons! I’ve always wanted to tell you that. How could you just take it upon yourself to “prepare” me for an unseen (supposedly difficult) future by intentionally making my life inconvenient? When you love someone, you try to make your lover’s life as uncomplicated as possible…you should make your lover feel like no harm can ever touch her in your presence. That’s security to me.
    I gave you the rights to hurt me...remember how I used to tell you initially that for all the love you gave me, a little bit of hurt was alright? I was wrong. I think you misunderstood and exercised your rights to the fullest…
    I lost my power of expression because of you…if I’m writing so much now; it is to rediscover that lost part of me. I became impractical and obsessive…I became my own worst nightmare. I’m trying to undo all of that…if you can’t help me, please at least don’t stand in the way.
    I haven’t cried since a long time now and it feels wonderful. I have the rights to feel that way…and so do you. What we had was very special, very close to my heart...I’m sorry you can’t remember any of the good times. I always will. Please don’t try to take that away from me…
    Be happy. Strangely my happiness still includes you.

    1 afterthoughts :

    1. Liquifier said...

      ki holo?