Don’t look into my heart,
There’s nothing left to see…
Just a few dying embers,
Leftovers from a fantasy.
Shut the door behind you,
Shut the door as you leave;
The darkness echoes the calm
My heart feels after I grieve.
Let hope fade into oblivion,
Don’t come near me again…
Your touch revives love,
A love that invokes pain.
You’re all I have left in me,
Only you make me whole;
Instead of killing me little by little,
Put a bullet through my soul.
Ok people, this is the place I ramble in when I’m upset…so no sympathy, kapish?
Nothing’s quite right. The past one month has been a roller coaster…of events and emotions I could never prepare myself for. Yet, I’m unusually numb…like I don’t care. My mind and my heart are playing tricks on me…the pain doesn’t even seem real and yet it’s real enough to keep me awake all night, night after night and make my heart ache – literally. I’m not strong enough to deal with so much all at once…and so I do what I do best – I keep pushing it back, hoping it’ll disappear somewhere in the already cluttered, cobwebbed past.
Something terrible happened recently. Right then, all I knew was that I needed my best friend because I didn’t want to be alone. She consoled me knowing I was crumbled inside; she coaxed me to cry, scream even if necessary. I just sat there looking down, fiddling with random objects…suffocated. She cried for me while I just sat there. I’m drained of all energy to react to pain and recover from it. Or maybe somewhere in my subconscious mind, I don’t want to anymore. I’m tired of being hurt every single time. Maybe I want to be completely destroyed…because from there, the only way is Up. I’m stuck somewhere in between and sinking so agonizingly slow that I can feel every painful jab at my soul.
On a lighter note…I did something different and outrageous this time around. I usually am a collected person even when I’m angry (USUALLY). I’d much rather ignore dirt and vent out here instead. This time, I didn’t bother. The bitch deserved it. Here’s an excerpt from a recent text I sent to a dear friend:
“…I think you owe him and me an apology for behaving like a drunken slut. Just thought I’d remind you because you obviously don’t have the decency or the shame.”
Verbally, there was much more. A house mate tells me the Bong in me finally surfaced *snigger*
Drunken Slut is what she will be known as from now on. I like it.
I’m (usually) not the bitchy kind. I despise these damsel-in-distress kinds. But when one makes alcohol an excuse and throws herself at my guy in my absence? I will hurt you till you cry.
Yes, Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.
And freefall into this abyss;
I dare you to take a chance,
And be dead or find your bliss.
Be tired of running away
To find your way back home;
Dare to hold on to eternity
In shifting oceans of foam.
Make the biggest mistake -
And let happiness in your heart;
Let the sun shine upon you…
Dare to make a new start.
Hope! Expect! Want!
Rightfully demand for me!
Claim your place in my heart…
I'm yours…or can’t you see?
Give in to yourself -
To what you and I could be;
I dare you to close your eyes,
And give yourself to me.
Ever present, effervescent presence -
You linger long after you’re gone,
Leaving a fiery trail of emptiness,
Heartstrings tugged at and undone.
You remain – untouched and unmoved,
You stay hidden behind a violet veil;
You watch, observe carefully
As I wither away and become frail.
You match every step,
You know my every move;
Undeterred by ignorance,
You’re a constant I cannot elude.
Consumed by hatred,
You’re driven by greed;
Severed as I lie in your path,
Satisfied, you watch me bleed.
You stay long after I’m gone;
Silent…placid…content,
You blend in with the void…
You’re poison, a sedative scent.
You’re a stubborn stain,
A constant, nagging reminder,
You’re a scar that refuses to fade,
A memory that won’t be blurred.
You prosper with fear,
You feed off my weakness…
Evidence of my crude existence,
You’re an insatiable darkness.
You selfish prick. I just told you someone I knew DIED and all you care about is that I’m not talking to you??!
It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know her too well, it doesn’t even matter that she wasn’t my favourite person. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s gone. She seemed like she had everything going for her…pretty girl, talented, ambitious – she knew exactly what she wanted out of life when most of us were still aimless. What could have gone so wrong that she felt the need to end her life?
Yes, I’m grateful for all that I have in life and no matter how difficult things get, I never lose track of all my blessings. There’s a lot of joy and there are a lot of heartaches. Life isn’t perfect. I don’t know if my problems will get any better or worse…I don’t know if I’ll be loved the way I want to be loved or if I’ll ever love back the way I imagine it in my mind…I don’t know how my life will be 5 years…10 years down the line…if I’ll be happy. And tonight for the first time in my life, not knowing frightens me.
May your soul rest in peace P.
Okay! Freelancer tagged me with this one almost about a month back…and I’ve just been a little too caught up! My bad! So here is the A-Z of me :)…
A – Available/Single? – Single and available are not the same thing! And the answer would be a ‘NO’ for both.
B – Best friend? – can’t pick one! I’m blessed with two.
C – Cake or Pie? – Cake mostly…umm but I’m sort of weird that way. No regular double/triple/quadruple chocolate for me!! I prefer fresh cream cakes…black forest, fresh cream-pineapple, etc etc. ooooh and cheesecakes! But warm apple pie with ice-cream/ whipped cream (or both!) -yum!
D – Do I want something right now?– Yes! Craving for the above mentioned cakes/pie now!
E – Essential item you use every day? – Well…toothbrush, keys, wallet, etc go without saying I suppose. SO I would say…kohl. In my defense…my eyes feel puffy if I don’t apply kohl. :P
F – Freedom to me is? – Unattainable for most of us. In the modern day, we mere mortals are bound by time.
G – Giggle / Laughter – a whole hearted laugh.
H – Heart / Brain –Brain! Ze heart is a lot of trouble!
I – Indulgence/ Addiction? – After Eight :). For people who don't know...it's a chocolate.
J – July or July? – January ;) …my birthday month!
K – Kids & their names? – errr… say what?
L - Life is – poetry in motion…sometimes we struggle to make the words rhyme and sometimes stumble upon beauty even in the total lack of rhythm.
M – Mistakes – multiple shots of tequila at 4 am! Haahah…ok jokes apart! Mistakes are essential to know what’s right for us.
N – Number of siblings? – Two loverly little sisters :)
O – One thing I hate to accept? – I get hurt easily. Whattodo foolish heart!
P – Pictures / Reality – reality captured in pictures.
Q – Quote for today? – ‘Multi-tasking - screwing everything up simultaneously’!
R – Reason behind my brain working these days? – Well, tried the heart…and let’s just say the heart and I had a li'l fallout! So back to the good ol’ brain!
S – Season? – Winter :)…snuggling up in couch in a cozy blanket, hot chocolate and a good book…walking around the house in an oversized sweater and colourful socks…going to sleep tucked in a warm, fluffy blanket…Christmas :)
T – Tag 3 People? – Hmm I tag the three people who really really want to do this tag!
U – Unknown fact about me? - I lick the bowl clean after finishing the soup in it. Fortunately, I don’t do this in public. :)
V – Vegetable you don't like? – Pumpkins. Hate it, hate it, hate it!!
W – Worst habit? – I can never reach anywhere on time!
X – X-rays you've had? – Quite some! Dislocated limbs, back injury, immigration procedures…enough?
Y – Yes?? Yuck??? – err…what do you want me to answer???
Z – Zodiac sign? – One helluva stubborn Capricorn!
*Note: Slightly bolder terrain! Reader discretion advised*
If it was possible to choose who we fell in love with, she probably wouldn’t be sitting in the corner, alone, crying after he left.
They were strangers who were instantly attracted to one another. She was floored by his confident disposition and flattered by his undivided attention. He was spellbound by her mystique. He told her he wanted her...it had been long since she’d felt that desired and just knowing so made her want to give in to him completely. She knew at that very moment that what was to happen from that point on, would be irreversible. He would be the one man she would never forget.
Things were simple. They were two weathered souls who no longer believed in the happily ever after. They were adults aware of their wants and desires and made no charade of emotions. All that was unnecessary. He wanted her and she longed to be cherished.
Simple?
Or so it seemed.
She fell in love with him. He did not. He never would...he’d made certain she knew that. She was special to him and he wouldn’t dare do anything to hurt her. She was free to walk out of their “arrangement” anytime. He spoke very little…considered it a waste of time in which he’d rather make love to her. The passion with which he devoured her in bed left her breathless and weak. Love was never to be mentioned. But that could not stop her from hopelessly falling in love with the one man she would never have.
Her entire day was spent in anticipation of the few hours he’d spend with her in the evening. She knew so little about his life but there was a silent agreement that they’d meet at her apartment when he wanted to see her. He’d stay for a few hours; sometimes even late into the night. But he’d never stay the night. He’d be uncomfortable when she’d fall asleep in his arms and would wake her up to wish her a good night and drive away. It all had to happen by his rules. It was at these times, after he left, that she’d breakdown and weep inconsolably in the emptiness of her apartment and her life. For once she wanted to fall asleep feeling him breathe and wake up in his arms. She wished he’d ask her about her day and hold her a little longer. She longed to be a part of his life. She longed to be loved despite knowing that he would never love again.
She cried so hard, she could feel her body tremble. She wrapped her arms around herself…lonely, afraid of the realization that she too, would never love again.
