Confession

Last day of the year and I’m in a state of confusion. I don’t want to be. I want to snap right out of it and feel alive. I feel guilty for some things I’ve done and yet I’m too angry, too stubborn to apologize for my mistakes. I feel like I’m doing the wrong thing, then again I know I’m doing it for the right cause…
This is my battle…my battle to be understood by the people I love the most. I’m tired of being misunderstood…tired of swallowing my pain so as not to hurt one of you. I want to have the rights to feel upset without being made to feel selfish. I get hurt, I’m human. To protect my pride, I will attack yours. Forgive me for that.
My only wish for the New Year would be that my loved ones see through my anger and see what it is that I’m actually feeling. I know it seems like I’m angry at you most of the times…well, I’m not. I’m only hurt and confused because I don’t know how to tell you.

Why is it that you never remember the Countless times I've tried Not To OFfeNd you and yet always hang on to the ONE time I failed ?

17th November, '06

I met this interesting man in a train from Calcutta to Jamshedpur. He was old, probably in his mid 60’s - a humble Bengali gentleman and even though his clothes were shabby, he seemed very decent and respectable. He had a cup of tea with us, accepted the packet of chips we offered; we had a little chit-chat in English…quite obviously educated, he seemed sad and so when we asked him the cause of his grief he only told us what we know already – “it’s all fate. You never know where it’ll take you”. Seeing the cheerful bunch of teenagers suddenly becoming dull, he quickly gave us his blessings and left.

The catch? He was a beggar.

I was going through my own blog and I realised I've become a depressing, silly little loser *moan*
[Babe : You've always been depressing...what's new?? Princess of Gloom!
Me : Shut up. I've been very happy (almost giddy!) in the last few years. hmpf.]

I'll be better soon, I promise...just the "bad phase" we all hear about, I guess.

P.S...those who didn't understand, don't try. It's not meant for you.

Wit of the staircase

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could choose not to be affected by anything? What if we were fearless and could say whatever we wanted to say to whosoever, exactly when we wanted to say it…instead of curling up in our comfort blanket and contemplating what we’ll say to them the next day.

I hate being hurt, I hate crying. I wish I could do away with it. How do we undo our emotions? How can we feel strong when nothing goes right? I wonder if the want to be happy makes one a bad person...

I’ve realized that it’s better to swallow pain than talk about it and not be understood. Yes, maybe I’m a selfish bitch who cares a damn about you….but I still do get hurt and it’s not wrong. Yes, little silly things upset me…but that’s what separates me from the others, isn’t it?

Side-effects of job interviews!

I hate growing up.
I hate having to worry about getting a job.
I hate the fact that in my industry, the slutty, wannabe ass-wipes are doing better.

Yes, maybe I’m jealous and bitter...but I am justified. Some people doing better than me don’t deserve it...simple fact.

People suck. Their mentalities suck.
I hate people suddenly turning into scheming bastards for a simple job.

Where I stand, I see the whole utopian idea of “being a good human being” just vanish into thin air. Suddenly ‘batch mates’ are ‘competitors’ who apparently have nothing better to do than secretly plan about ‘snatching your seat’. God! I feel like I could choke every time someone says “friends” in a Group discussion...you can feel all the sarcasm and hatred just ooze out with that one small, meaningful word.
Barely 21 yr olds interacting with each other just to see how good they are compared to the other...to find each other’s weaknesses (so they know where to attack)...to know each other’s strengths (so they know where NOT to attack)...fighting for jobs...
THAT is what life has finally boiled down to.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to school...when people actually felt good for each other...when I actually had friends who cried with me (Shakun..Ahana, love you guys!)...when people would cheer each other up during stressful times...I could go on and on forever!

Miss everything about everything before college. I hope I can feel so intensely about college someday (seems very unlikely, but I do hope so!)

And yes, I did get a job too.

SOS

Neha needs a vacation.
I’m sick and tired of college, tired of trying to be at my best behavior, of trying to keep up with the “super-womanly” image I’ve created for myself…..I’m even tired of friends and family. Recently, I’ve been dealing with two kinds of people… (a) People who think I can handle it all and can NEVER screw up, and (b) people who are expecting me to screw up. Either way, I end up losing – I obviously disappoint a lot of those from category (a) and I disappoint myself by trying too hard for those from category (b). If for once I give up, I’m the scum that lives in the dirtiest corner of a pond! I’m selfish and arrogant.
In a social surrounding, I don’t feel it’s constantly necessary to scan people and take out flaws all the time. It’s alright to have a conversation without an ulterior motive. But no! For a certain somebody…that makes me stupid and naïve. It’s not ok to chit-chat with anyone without a purpose.
Blah blah blah…there’s just so much more; I just don’t feel like racking my brains anymore! I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m tired of people telling me I’m wrong. Maybe their “wrong” is just right for me. I’ll learn eventually, maybe…but for now, I just need everyone to back off just a little bit.
Breathe, Neha, breathe…

Breaking News

Hmm…to be honest, I’m still in a state of shock. For the past one week, I’ve been wondering if I’ll be a part of the committee in college, at the most I was expecting a post as the Cultural Secretary. Finally, the long awaited meeting was held today. Did I become a part of the committee? Yes, I did. Did I become a Cultural Secretary? No, I didn’t. hee ehee… am I upset?? N-O NO! Much to my surprise, I became the Joint Secretary of the college (a.k.a. Vice President)…woah! I don’t think the thought has still sunk in because as RJ puts it, I got a lot more than I was expecting. I think he’s right...
This time I’m genuinely stunned. And honored. And proud…cheers to me :)

Million Dollar Question..

“What do you do and what would you want to do?”

I wonder how many people would have the same answer for both parts of the question. I don’t. Isn’t it hypocrisy at its supreme?! And the contradiction continues…
I’m a passionate dancer, but, am too scared to give in to it. I know I’m a wonderful dancer but I fear I might not be good enough. I fear I might lose the respect and support of everyone whose lives are attached to mine and yet I know these are the people who will see me through my worst times. So what do I do? I shift my career focus elsewhere. Am I happy about it? Sure, I’m not sad it about it either!
Sometimes while exploring your only dream, you discover newer ones. Maybe not always as good as the old one, but good enough to keep you occupied. That, I guess, is a brief prelude to my story. However, in some dingy corner, a small flickering flame continued to burn…bearing blow after blow and even then, adamant not to fizzle out. Ofcourse, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The old flame is burning with all its might now, almost as if threatening to consume everything that competes with it...if only it had words, I’m sure you would hear too. It finds ways to pull me back to itself, proving once again how in control it is. Yes, I invited it back…but was it ever out of my life to begin with!

Such has been my career shift, that no matter how much I want to, I cannot master two things at one time. I bet even Superwoman wouldn’t challenge me on this one! Do I walk out on a success that is oh-so-close and tread into a world I’ve fantasized about for as long as I can remember? I neither can, nor do I want to answer that one. I’m too practical and yet fiercely passionate. Sadly, passion and practicality are forever at war. Why me? Why do I have so much to lose if I choose to be selfish? Only I know how passionately I feel about dancing…why can’t I let the world know too…
I have decided that there is such a thing as Luck…which obviously pays me a visit at all the wrong times. Besides, how else will you explain less deserving ones ‘playing in the lap of success?

Natasha Thomas - Skin Deep

listen carefully ladies...then make the boys listen..

psst....check out her earrings!

Moving on...

Words left where they were
Ended abruptly, in a rush -
For, you said all you could
Till time ran out on me.
I waited and plotted,
Practiced every word I’d say.
I knew I would hurt you,
I waited silently for the day.
Now after a time so long,
When the time is finally right -
I feel strangely unaffected,
I don’t care about any fight.
I don’t need to justify myself;
And least of all, to you…
You don’t matter at all to me,
I’ve moved on, started anew.
If you think there’s more to it -
I wish you can live with yourself
And maybe then find forgiveness;
I don't have any empathy for you,
You only deserve far less…

high profile bitch

I don’t like her. Period. Simple as that. I refuse to even pretend to like her….she can go around bitching about me to everybody, I still don’t care. I mean, why should I pretend to like an evil, gold digging slut? She’s the one who walked out on her husband and 9 yr old girl for another married man….and I am wrong being rude to her?! I care a flying fuck. Oh, if that is not enough, she has the audacity to get her dirty self to my place to invite me for her illegitimate son’s birthday…if she can be that shameless, I can be rude too.
Next time, I hope she knows better than to get her sorry ass to my sacred abode.

To O

O,

No matter how ignorant I may sound,
The truth is you’ve hurt me;
You’ve ripped my heart out
And put it on public display.
No matter how hard you try,
I will not tread the same path again -
A path made of lies and deceit,
Of emotions that are meaningless.
I can’t believe you anymore,
I’m long past all that.
I’ve changed over all this time
I am my own master now.
Don’t know what you want from me,
Neither will I stay to find out!
You can keep your stories to yourself,
To me they’re nothing but noise.
I will not give you what you want -
‘The satisfaction of being forgiven’
I want you to live with the guilt,
The ‘scar’ that you’re so afraid of.
Be brave and accept your crime;
Do you have no shame at all?
Life is not so merry anymore…
This is not my victory, just your fall.

Favorite things about RJ

My favorite things...

.....about RJ...

• his dimples
• how soft his hair feels
• the way he squints when he's concentrating
• the way he delicately holds objects while doing artwork
• the way he sleeps....on his stomach, pillow over the head!
• the strong and comforting feeling of his arms
• the way he says "five"
• his Bengali
• the way he speaks maithili
• the way he greets his father at the beginning of all their conversations
• the way he selflessly loves his sister
• the way he treats my family
• the fact that he's always on top of the guestlists of my 9 yr old sister's parties
• the way he slips his arm around my waist when we're walking
• the way he kisses my forehead and then my eyes when I'm upset
• the way he looks in his blue t-shirt
• the way he has an explanation and meaning to the most mundane things
• his observant nature
• the way he patiently listens
• the way he sings 7 days (by Craig David)
• his muscular legs..unlike the chicken legs that most men have!
• the way he looks at me when I'm flushed
• the way he says "shona"
• the perfect V'shape of his upper body
• his indecisive, slow typing.....annoying, but cute
• the way he pouts
• the way he hugs me
• the way he laughs
• his embarrassed look
• the fact that he never makes an excuse
• the way never looks away when I catch him staring at me during classes
• his frankness ( not always a favorite, but at most times)
• baby talk
• the way he gets every child to like him
• the way he always knows when I want to go to CCD for a mousse cake
• the way rejoices after winning a game of air hockey
• the way he lets me win when I pout!
• the way he stuffs his mouth with sugar candies ( all 5 at one go!)
• the way his eyes light up when he sees jhaal chips
• his culinary skills!

......and that is not the end of the list...

mon avis sur la nourriture française (my opinion on french food)

hmm...I suddenly want to talk about French cuisine! The French are the original foodies....did u know that even the term "cuisine" was coined by the French...Meaning "the kitchen". Most of the culinary terms that we are aware of, are infact, French....a 'la carte..Entrée ..Sorbet..Banquet...cafe..etc etc. a simple meal was suddenly Fine Dining. for all of us who think a starter, a main course and a dessert is fine dining....theFrenchh had a 12 course menu, yes, 12...which are as under :

1. Hors D'oeuvres ( where almost every letter is silent! pronounced as 'Odouves'...the appetizers)
2. Potage (soup)
3. Poission (no, not poison...just fish)
4. Entrée(finally a word we're familiar with!)
5. Relevé (ONE of THE main courses)
6. Sorbet ( ooh another known word! we're good!)
7. Rôti ( dont worry, 'roti' is our invention still.....this is french for 'roast')
8. Legume (yes! another one!)
9. Entremet de sucre ( just remember entremet, lol....aka dessert)
10. Savoureux ( something savoury after dessert??!!)
11. Dessert ( nope, no mousse and flans....just fruit and nuts)
12. Café ( coffee..to kill every flavour of the courses above)
    
    French food is fancy food..an acquired taste..my father almost fainted after accidently biting into a scallop (NEVER chew, just swallow). i still have not figured out how caviar is such a luxary....i mean it's just fermented fish eggs and i personally hate it! French have a knack for glorifying even the simplest of things....if you go to France and order Pommes Frites because it sounds nice, all you'll get is a plate of french fries! Melon Frappe is NOT some cooling beverage...just cold melon!

French food is for Page 3 sociallites, it is classy to eat (and digest) French food. i once skipped my normal roti & subzi because i was tempted by an array of delicious looking dishes at a french convention....at the end of the evening, i could neither swallow nor throw...the meat was underdone ( Au bleu is what they called it!)...i bit into this inviting crispy patty, not expecting a puss-like, fowl smelling substance inside it...the soup had strange, suppossedly edible 'objects' floating in it....the pasta had some cheese that smelled like molten rubber....and more cheese everywhere! finally, when i reached the dessert counter...they just had greasy, suggary puff pastries left (which, again, i'm not fond of)....ah, everybody should have such experiences in their lives...sadly, it had to be ME!

i guess, the morals of the story are >>

(a) now i know why the French drink such a lot of wine!

(b) i'm sorry if you're french, or if you like french food

talking of alcohols....have you ever wondered why Spirits are called so? hmm... i will answer that, but another time...

till then....Au revoir...

flawless

There is something very comforting about talking to complete strangers on the internet.....no face, no name, no conditions, just words. I have such a "friend"....hats off to you Mr. WXYZ (he wont tell me his name 'cause he's scared I'll blow his "cover")!. We've been up chatting all night, once deciding to go to sleep early...then quickly realizing we weren't sleepy. We've discussed love, friendship, dance...pulled each other's legs ( a lot!)....and yet we remain so disconnected. It's like leading a dual life...during the day I am myself (good, bad and ugly)...and between 12am till about 5 am, I am the best of me...I can select qualities about myself I want to show and hide the ones I don't, erase thoughts before they're read and not be bothered about being spotted in my most comfortable, yet embarrassing "little duck" tshirt....and when the conversation is over, once again i have the rights to be a demon.

Thank you for making me feel like i'm flawless...

dear diary

dear dear diary
life is not so glum,
sometimes it seems so difficult
sometimes you feel so numb.
you move on to a new adventure
thinking your past is secure
suddenly as u turn to look back,
nothing seems familiar anymore.

dear dear diary
life gives no option but to move on,
sometimes it makes you a star
sometimes nobody cares if you're gone.
your laughter resonates through solid walls
and even fetches you hoards of cheer,
you stand in the crowd and look around
and nobody will even notice that tear.

dear dear diary
life has the strangest way to care,
sometimes it's one big lesson
sometimes it's a game that's unfair.
you work hard for every single move
sadly you're just a sitting duck
it's not a serious exam or sport
in a game all you need is luck.

dear dear diary
then one day you suddenly fall in love,
sometimes you think it'll last forever
sometimes even'forever' needs a shove.
funnily when everything is right
something must be terribly wrong,
and when it really begins to hurt
love has grown into something strong.


dear dear diary
when you're at the brink and can't decide,
sometimes you're scared of being hurt
sometimes you discover wings and glide.
how are you to see the easy way out
if it's always hidden in the difficult one,
life is just a series of risks and chances
mysteries and puzzles waiting to be undone.

my grey folder

just lying awake wondering....wondering how many people are wondering the same thing.

i used to avidly collect letters sent by my father during his trips, i would arrange them date-wise and keep it in a grey folder....i miss collecting those carefully selected, textured, coloured, sometimes strange shaped letters, i miss seeing human handwriting. emails are just so impersonal, everytime i read an email, i imagine a Terminator-like voice reciting the letter! can you imagine how absurd that must be feeling??

i treasure handwriting, infact i treasure any personalised item or items that make me nostalgic....in my grey folder i also have the following :

1. little messages that RJ wrote to me on CCD napkins
2. the wrapper of a 5* chocolate bar which a dear friend gave me
3. the wrapper of a Temptations (rum n raisin) bar which RJ bought me on valentine's day
4. passes of every single fest i've been to
5. a pass autographed by bombay vikings
6. tickets to the 1st movie RJ and i ever saw together
7. a newspaper cutout which got me the Black & Blue CD 2 days before it's official release in India
8. a pass to the prom i went with O
9. volunteer badges from school
10. a small scrap of paper with my name doodled on it
11. and the most precious - a Rs. 100 note which RJ gave me from his 1st ,official, hard earned money.

this month..

i probably started blogging now because this month is about me....after such a long time i'm finally feeling like myself, i feel calm, content and restless all at the same time. my mind is working overtime...my emotions are constantly on the edge. i'm dancing again, just like old times....there's something very sweet about the breathlessness and the aching muscles after a good dance session - it's a familiar sensation that i was once so used to. only difference betwen then and now is that i have to put twice the effort now....much as i hate to admit it, i'm out of practice and have allowed my body to ditch me.

this month is about me because i'm miserably in love with RJ...maybe everything is not perfect, but the truth is i'm hopelessly in love with him. i've realised that the only reason why he can hurt me so much is because he matters in my life. he makes me feel human because he makes me laugh and cry with equal intensity.i'm learning not to complain about all the things he doesn't do for me and instead pay greater attention to all his subtle ways of expressing his love.

this month i've realised, more than ever, the importance of true friends. i have no qualms about expressing the fact that i have made no true friends in college. people change with a flick of the fingers...i have learnt to put my gaurd up around them and keep Abi, Tia and Shakun close. i thank lord everyday for sending the 3 of them in my life.

this month is about me because i'm taking care of myself...i'm learning what is right for me and what is not. i'm not naive anymore, i dont let people show me down.


p.s....chanced upon this silly game, whr ppl were being asked to add "in the bed" to their "today's fortune".....mine came down to " 'luck is coming your way'....in the bed",....almost fell off my bed laughing

Day One

My 1st posting....there have been so many instances when my anger or my silence has hurt my dear ones. i worship my moments...i have to talk when i want to, and if i'm stopped then, i dont want to talk anymore. so this is my attempt to post my personal thoughts when i need to...so that the moments are not lost anymore...

Dear God, I pray to you

Do not leave me to myself -

Tonight I need a blessing..

And maybe a miracle too.

Tonight I need to rid all my tears

And laugh without crying again,

I want to open my heart to all

Without having mundane fears.

Forgive me tonight if I'm wrong -

Punish me later if You must,

But please dedicate tonight to me

just tonight please play my song...

you see the few lines above matter to me....often, when i'm feeling low and angry and frustrated, i flip to the first page of my new diary and read it to myself. i wrote it on my 20th birthday, coz i was convinced things would go wrong and well...they did! so i decided that i will not let others affect me when i dont want them to...it's alright to be selfish at times