Tagged!

Got this from Aditya - The Lover's blog. Rules are simple...whoever reads this, (please) reply to the questions in the comments section and put up the questions in your blog and see what people have to say about you!
You can be honest :)...I wont bite (or will I! *evil laugh*)


1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3.Something I have and you want?
4.Give me a nick name and explain why you picked it.
5.Describe me in one word.
6.What was your first impression of me?
7.Do you still think that way about me now?
8.What reminds you of me?
9.If you could ever give me one thing, what would it be?
10.How well do you know me?
11.How do you see me in the future?
12. Something you wanted to tell me but couldn't.
13.Are you going to put this on your blog to see what I say about you?

Would you?

Would you care if I was afraid,

Would you see it in my eyes?

Would it matter if I couldn’t sleep,

Would you hear my muffled cries?

What if I poured my heart out…

Would you take me in your arms?

Would you leave me alone and helpless?

Would you let me do myself any harm?

Would you listen if I had complains,

Would you pretend not to hear?

Would it be a waste of your time,

Would you much rather not be near?

Would you for once not get angry,

Knowing that I get scared?

Would you calm me down instead,

And not let my soul be bared?

Would you care no matter what?

Even if I pushed you away…

Would you know what I really want?

Would you know I need you to stay?

Would you care enough to find out,

Would you care enough to know?

All the words I’ll never tell,

All the things I’ll never show...

Unknowingly...

It isn't too difficult to win my heart,

I'm not too hard to woo...

I'm worried for your inclination

For you know not what you do.

It's so easy to hold on to your words

But I'm too afraid to want to;

This isn't the first time...

You know not what you do.

Ridiculously Random

There is a round black man standing before me discussing migration in the UK. I don’t understand and I’m not interested. I’m bored, tensed and sleepy. I have four assignments pending and the submission date seems to be nearing at the speed of light. Do I research the supermarkets in Britain or do I research 2012 Olympics? What the F are the Golden Rules of the F'ing Fiscal Policy??

Hmmm…I’m bored. SO! Following from my ridiculously popular post Radically Random, I present….drum roll please….some more crap.


I got glasses. After having perfect vision for 22 years, I got glasses! Why God why!!

I’ve been cursed by the Gods of Energy Conservation. My current accommodation has only 3 lights.

Mental note: stab the loud, annoying bastard sitting in front of me.

My favourite word is Serendipity. Does it not just feel like it dances off your lips!

I’m starting to fear burger and fries.

I have this insane, illogical fear of stairs.

Has anybody heard Joshua Radin?

It’s said that people with stubby fingers tend to be very violent….criminals mostly. Umm…I strongly disagree.

I love purple.

My accountancy professor is Greek and 6’4”. *smirk*

I’m a clumsy twat. I’m a walking, talking disaster. I drop almost everything I touch.

I haven’t spotted a single lizard in London. *touch wood. Thank God!*

You cannot escape Himesh Reshamiya anywhere. Nowhere in the world I tell you!

My oldest piece of stationary is a red, table top pencil sharpener. I've had it since I was 7.

I hate beer.

I want to travel to Switzerland and buy a fabulous, expensive set of Swiss knives.

Round black man calls me Nee-a/Naaiya/Naai (?!!)/ Neigh-ha. Is it that difficult to pronounce Neha??

It snowed here on Diwali.

London hasn’t had a white Christmas in about the last 10 years.

20 minutes left for this boring lecture to get over.

My drunken housemate flushed down a wiping cloth. Plumbing cost – 130 pounds. I wish he had thrown up in the cab instead...that would cost only a fine of 50 pounds.

Where’s the party tonight? Heehe…I don’t know why I typed that out.

I wonder how Quantum of Solace could even qualify as a Bond movie!

Why do some people ask so many questions? Mental note: stab the serial question asker too.

My Russian neighbor made Turkish wraps for me yesterday. I think I’ll send her something Chinese…

My new laptop is just so cute!

I need to buy a fabulous pair of boots.

I dislike being called “Bong”. I’m Bengali. Thank you very much.

I’m so glad George Bush is out of the picture.

I like adding a dash of salt and pepper in my lemon tea. So what!

If you have dimples, I automatically like you.

I came across a website which required me to press a button to confirm I am human. Hahaha…this is all that was left to see!

I have a terrible migraine problem.

I take way too many painkillers. I should probably stop.

Round black man just said I’m unusually quiet today. *snigger*

I should probably get back to class… more later!

Hmm I just typed in 525 words.

Oh! I just added new music to my blog. Did anyone notice?? The second song is by Joshua Radin.

546 words.

Of London and lovers...

Ok. So here’s the scoop.

London weather is officially the most depressing. The women here make me wish I was a few inches taller…a few inches narrower…a little more poised…oh what the heck! I stick out like a sore thumb! The good news is – nobody gives a damn. I don’t either. Well at least not most of the times. Strangers barely make eye contact, and yet are polite when you ask for directions or even share a little joke. The pubs here rock! But I still don’t like beer. I think I’m becoming more of a Rum and Coke person.

It’s scary and exciting - staying away from home for the first time. I think we’re all a little more capable than we think we are. Little realizations make life so much simpler…like oil stains are a bitch to get rid of (haahaha…though it doesn’t make life simpler, it does keep me more alert when I’m cooking!!). Well ok…love is overrated. It’s a hope you build in your hearts and top it up with oodles and oodles of silliness. And then at the end your world falls apart, your heart breaks and you get hurt and cry and all that jazz. Drama…a whole lot of drama. And yet I keep going back to him…to get my heart broken over and over again…hoping this time will be different. The funny thing is…this time is different. So different in fact, that I can’t even relate to it anymore…I feel ordinary and unloved…undesirable. I feel like an old favourite clothing that we’ve grown out of and yet keep tucked away in our wardrobes. I don’t have the strength to protect my heart anymore…I care lesser and lesser about how much it hurts and thus lack the enthusiasm to write it out. I let it be…leave my heart to fight it out on its own or die trying.

It’s a strange, strange situation…I feel helpless and empowered all at once. I know I will be hurt and yet I care too little. Well what other choices do you have if the only person you can turn to in a strange country is the person hurting you?

*snif* *snif*

My first blog award!

Thank you so much Arjun…I’m truly honoured! It’s wonderful when you find out that others can relate to your writing…
Well! Here are the blogs I like to read –

Tia - I'm so so so very proud to have such a brilliant writer as my best friend.

Sindhu - With Lion King splashed in the background, you can only expect joy from this blog! Whenever I read her posts, I have this insanely goofy grin plastered to my face and this girl never disappoints!

The Lover - If you've ever been in love, this blog will get to you. It'll stir your soul and get you thinking more about what he has NOT written.

Arjun - A must visit if you like fiction...his stories are original, light-hearted and humor is just right.

Sandeep - If you think his writing is good, you should see his photographs...here


Homer Simpson - is what I know this blogger as! His use of words is just scrumptious...and the content - uninhibited, deep and powerful.

Now, for those who don't know what to do...display the award on your blog and let us know who your favourite bloggers are with their links. And don't forget to inform them!

Thank you once again...Arjun and everyone who visit my blog :)

VI - D

I know this post will hardly make sense to most of the readers here but I need to write this…to honour a part of my life that has made me who I am today and given me the strength and confidence to shed all insecurities and inhibitions and put my best foot forward – Class VI-D.

We all came from different sections…randomly picked from three sections and bound by norms rather than affection. Come lunch break, we’d all split into tiny groups and run to the sections we’d known for the last seven years. We didn’t have the freedom to sit with our “section people” and I disliked the girl who sat beside me and the feeling was rather mutual. She was a vegetarian who didn’t like the fact that I had non vegetarian food in my lunch box. Even though our desks were joined, we’d consciously maintain this invisible border which was not to be crossed. Then there was this girl behind me who laughed so loud that she’d put Santa Clause to shame! The big, tall girl who I’d seen around school and who I’d assumed was a bully was also in the same class. My “section friends”, even though in the same class were nowhere near my seat. Everyone seemed so alien…there was a girl who stammered, but seemed sweet…her friend seemed anything but sweet! The new girl from class V, who bragged way too much and butted into everything, was also in the same class…oh, then there was the school’s yoga-girl…a girl with Einstein-hair…a girl who wore studs in only one ear…there was even a girl who looked like Johnny Lever(!!!)…and a dozen others I had neither seen nor heard about before. TWO girls in the class had the same name as mine…it was a nightmare. To top it all, we had this old woman as our class teacher who had made it her life’s mission to keep us away from our original sections...she restricted us from running off to our old sections during breaks, shuffled our seating arrangements periodically and forced us into group activities. I didn’t like her one bit.

I don’t remember the exact moment or incident but it seemed like the woman’s persistence conquered us. All of us started mingling and discovered that we had more in common than we thought. I think we all learnt to be a little less judgemental and a little more accepting. It turned out that the girl beside me and another girl in the class learnt dance from the same teacher who taught me as well. The girl who stammered turned out to be the sweetest singer and was impossible to anger…even if I made her sing “My heart will go on” all through the lunch break. She is now one of my best friends – a brilliant writer who can probably talk her way out of trouble! Her friend turned out to be rather sensitive and she has the softest hair which she’d let me mess up anytime I wanted. She became my other best friend- a rare, wonderful blend of critic and confidante. Einstein-hair was a laughter riot and we had so much to talk about! She is currently my walking, talking dictionary of music/movies/books. The new girl was no longer annoying; instead she was rather sweet and a powerhouse of energy! Johnny Lever and her friends became fans of my lunch and I thought our Johnny Lever was funnier than the original one.The tall girl I assumed to be a bully, turned out to be easy going and cheerful; infact her house became our regular den! Then there’s a very special girl whose ingenious community which still helps us stay in touch from all parts of the world, inspired me to write this humongous article…back in school she believed she was 2 millimeters taller every morning…heehehe. And another girl I hardly knew became my drool-over-Cole buddy…her wit and intelligence, a class apart.

The earliest memory I have of us bonding was Teacher’s day. Despite being a good dancer, I’d always been a little apprehensive about coming forward and taking the lead because I was probably afraid that people wouldn’t think I was as good as I thought I was. But VI-D was magical. The girl who used to sit beside me, who didn’t like me much, whom I didn’t like much…put me in the lead. Together we choreographed (my 1^st choreography) “Cotton-eye Joe”…made up strange names for steps to make it easier to remember…decided formations and practiced together during breaks and after school. For the first time in my school life, I was being recognised for a talent I was so proud of and it felt wonderful. That year, my class-mates also made me deliver my first (impromptu) solo performance for one of the teachers I was most afraid of…yes, I was mortified but at the end of the performance, I received the most wonderful gift – a hug from the very same teacher.

That year was also our class teacher’s last year of teaching before she retired…and what a mark she had left in our hearts. On the last day of class, all of us went out to our junior classes and consoled the girls who were as horrified with the thought of section D as we were a year before.

We all bonded with each other more in that one year than we had in the past seven years. Section D was probably the only section where we didn’t have any kind of groupism…where every little talent was cherished, every occasion celebrated…where every single girl was rediscovered in a new light. Over the years, the bonds in Section-D only became stronger and our unity reflected in all our activities. Section-D produced the highest number of Vice-captains and prefects and some of the most brilliant students of our batch. It might be something too insignificant for the school to acknowledge and honour…but for Section D, it’ll always be remembered.

Everyone’s come such a long way now- some pursuing their dreams, some discovering new ones…making it difficult to stay in touch constantly. Amongst everyone, I have probably drifted away the furthest – never by choice, but by my incapability to balance my dual life. Yes, I choose the words dual life because college for me has been a complete detour…the oddness of it taking me completely away from my cherished school life. Where school had been about opening up and being nothing but myself, college was about forming walls and protecting myself. But never for once has the importance of my friends from VI-D been diminished in my life. I know, I talk non-sense and make a total ass of myself around you all…but I fail to express myself when I require it the most. I feel overwhelmed when I think about a promise we’d made in the turn of the new century, way back in VIII-D…it seemed so distant and unrealistic then, but today, just 2 years away from the plan actually materialising…it is only the most anticipated event!

May God bless all of you and may the magic of VI-D remain in our lives forever…

Saturday

Saturday

23^rd September, 2006

There was a loud screech and before he could understand anything, he was surrounded by shards of glass, twisted metal and the smell of burnt rubber. Then a sharp pain jabbed him in his ribs and he could taste blood…he tried to move but his limbs betrayed him. He had to call for help but his cell phone was nowhere in sight…he mouthed a bleak “help” but even he couldn’t hear his own voice. It was so dark and the trees blocked every bit of light…everything seemed to freeze around him. He could feel his heart beat faster, his head reeled with all the unfinished work…all the promises he wouldn’t be able to keep…the smiles he would no longer see…the tears he'd no longer wipe…the touch he’d no longer feel…

His entire life unfolded in front of his eyes...did she know how much he loved her? That she’d always been on his mind since the day he’d seen her? He had to tell her that the only reason why he wasn’t listening to her complain that day was because he couldn't stop thinking how incredibly beautiful she looked with that tiny droplet of water trickling down from her wet hair to her glistening, red cheeks…

He loved hearing her hum along with the radio when she was cooking…he looked forward to it everyday while coming back from work. But, did she know? He desperately wanted to tell her that she wasn’t a bad singer at all…her voice was mesmerizing…

She needed to know how sorry he was for screaming at her last month…it was only a car! He should’ve told her how relieved he was that she was unhurt. He wanted to let her know how much he hated himself for all the times he screamed at her...given another chance, he’d correct himself…just ONE chance…

He wasn’t ungrateful…he thanked God everyday for her presence in his life. He was so grateful to her for standing by his side through his difficult times…for holding him even when he pushed her away…for understanding when he needed to be alone…for never forcing him to go shopping with her…for not asking him to run any errands during cricket matches…for picking up after him everyday for the last four years! How he wished he would’ve held her once and thanked her out loud…

She needed to know that he wasn’t jealous of her success…he was only frustrated with his failure. He was proud of her, very very proud. He was sorry for the time he snapped at her and asked her not to talk about work…he wished with all his heart now that she hadn’t obeyed. He had seen the sadness in her eyes…he should’ve apologised right then.

The only reason why he got angry when she cut her hair was because he would miss the way her hair picked up the breeze and gently grazed his face when they went out for their walk every night…the way it fell on her face when she slept, he would miss pushing that particular lock of hair away from her face in the middle of the night when he got up for a glass of water. He cursed himself for being angry…she looked beautiful anyway!

He had to explain that never for once he suspected her or doubted her love…it was only that colleague he didn’t trust; he wished she’d seen that bastard’s dirty gaze! Like a fool, he had taken out his anger on her, as if it was her fault....how he wished he could tell her it wasn't. God, he loved how simple she was…how she wouldn’t think ill about anyone…he was worried that it would be this simplicity of hers that would put her in harm’s way…

She was the only reason why he looked forward to coming back home from work for the last seven years...how would she ever know now...

He gasped for air as he felt a sharp pain shooting up to his head; but that felt like nothing compared to the pain he felt in his soul for not being able to tell her how much he loved her...how desperately he wanted her back...

His heart broke with the thought that she'd be waiting and how he'd disappoint her again...his grip tightened around the letter, now soaked in his blood, as he breathed his last…

My love…

I know you love me; I can still feel it in my heart…the very heart which is now very confused as to why its only companion is so lost, so changed…I have nobody in this world but you and it pains me so much to see our love die each day…

Seven years back we promised to resolve every fight with a hug. We promised we’d sort it out in between kisses (“if we pull away”, is what you used to say)...every time we have a fight now and you push me away, I wonder if you’ve forgotten. No...I KNOW you’ve forgotten.

Too much has been taken for granted…too much has been forgotten, put aside. So I must do this for that forgotten love…I know you’ll never realise unless I go away. Know it within your heart that I will never stop loving you. Take as much time as you need and come to me only when you’re certain. I’ll wait for you…every Saturday, where we first met…just like old times.

…Forever yours

More than meets the eye...

I've had this little stone for about 9/10 years now. I found it in a pile of stone chips in Thailand and imagine a twelve year old's excitement in finding a 'heart' amidst lifeless stones. I immediately fell in love with it...the shape - the delicate heart-shape...the colours - a blend of fiery shades of red, like a fire burning in our hearts...the feel of it in my hand - smooth and cold at first, but warm as soon as I place it on my palm...and then the crack down its centre - almost as if it was left there deliberately to remind us that a broken heart can never be mended without leaving a permanent scar behind. Yet it stood out so bright - as if to tell us to never lose faith in love and that love comes to us when and where we least expect it and in the oddest forms...we just need to look beyond the disguise. Of course, these are not the thoughts that crossed my mind when I was twelve (!!)...just the lessons it seems to have taught me over the past couple of years.

As to why I'm sharing this completely invalid piece of information...I was just going through some random blogs and found out that a"Heart Rock" is basically any rock that's naturally shaped like a heart. Owing to its uncommonness and (obviously) the lovely shape, it is collected quite enthusiastically. Read THIS

True Calling

We’re all just a figment of our imagination. The strong ones have the courage to imagine boundlessly and the one’s who can’t, fall weak.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all understand this simple fact? We make our own personalities…we take in all the qualities we want to and leave out the ones we don’t like. So why do we not have the strength to look outside of ourselves, outside of our cocoon and be something we thought we could never be! We live life following examples, running after what a billion others are pursuing…sometimes even forgetting what it is that we’re after. I think we all have a True Calling but most of us choose not to hear it, afraid of the hardships we might have to face, afraid of what people might think…so we hide it somewhere where even we won’t find it. Then live our lives pretending like it never happened…we work harder, earn more money, find solace in our loved ones…and secretly hope that someday all this will fill the void.

P.S. ‘Life is a song’ by Patrick Park is what I was listening to when I decided to write this article.

P.P.S. It’s the 2^nd song that plays while you’re going through my blog… :)

Pardoxes of love: The Clueless Clairvoyant

• The Idealist
• The Pragmatist
• The Clueless Clairvoyant.

TI: Let’s float on clouds, spread wings and fly!
TP: Let’s work for now or tomorrow we’ll cry.
TI: Who cares for tomorrow, forever we shall be...
TP: Oh come on! There is no such thing as eternity.

TI: I’ll leave it to luck; time will take care of it all,
TP: Waiting around will only cause our downfall.
TI: I have big ambitions – a secret I can’t reveal
TP: I must! I must show the world I have the zeal!

TI: My life is complicated because I won’t speak
TP: Speaking isn’t simpler! It’s a listening ear I seek.
TI: I cry alone and to the world I always smile
TP: I haven’t done either in quite a while.

TI: I know you’re my destiny, the love of my life…
TP: There’s so much heartache, so much strife!
TI: Close your eyes; you’ll be untouched by grief
TP: Don’t be foolish! We must resolve each tiff.
TI: All that matters is how the journey ends
TP: In the journey it’s important to make amends!
TI: I have faith; therefore I don’t need to hear
TP: Like the rest, you too turned a deaf ear…

TI: You can’t hurt me; I’ve decided I can feel no more,
TP: The tears will no longer stop, my heart feels sore.
TI: Not now- we have forever to come back on track
TP: What’s lost is lost- time will never come back…

Every time they meet,they will be weak
And tread into a familiar maze
They will laugh, they will cry,
And will even get lost in each other’s gaze…
They will always silently understand
Even the other’s unspoken secrets
And even from a thousand miles away,
Sense it if the other frets.
All their lives they’ll need each other –
A truth they had learnt early on
How then can they change this dreaded habit,
Now that the magic is all gone?
They’ll never be like any other we know-
Who turn away and never look back;
Even when they'll be apart,
They’ll fill in where the other may lack.
They don’t care what well-wishers think,
What consequences they shall see;
Even if they are apart,
In some way together they will always be.
I know…I know that time will come;
Till then both of you listen to me…
I believe in my heart of hearts,
I believe together you both shall be.

~CC

P.S.....thank you for the title. You know who you are :)

Am I just being too naive...are people really right about you? Or do I just know you so well that I don't need to listen to others? I can't decide anymore...my belief in you seems so shaken. I've fought for you all the time but this time I'm failing miserably. My heart refuses to accept that you of all people could be calculative. Yes, you did catch me at my weakest time...and you knew very well that I needed you more than anyone else....and you, as every other time, were there for me. I don't want to believe that was out of motive...I didn't see it then, it seemed to me like you were giving me time and space to consider your feelings...but instead, everything you told me, everything you did made me weaker and for the first time in my life I was insecure. At such a juncture, I just couldn't bear the thought of losing my best friend. I've never been insecure or jealous...could that mean something? I decided too quickly that it did.
I understand how you feel and why you might have calculated your moves...but does that make it right? I don't know. I was so dazed, your "plan" worked perfectly on me...but is it right to lay out a trap to "lure in" the one you love? I don't know that either. You know me better than anybody else...how will I ever believe that everything that is happening is not calculated? How will I believe that you won't continue playing on my weaknesses?
If the fear of losing the one you love makes you think and device foolproof plans...then I'm not even sure if you can call it love...

Radically Random

Type and delete, type and delete...the process will happen at least 5 times before we finally continue. Even when we know what we want to write, the first sentence is always the most difficult to write. Oh common people...I know it happens with you too!

My room has 25 lights. Seriously.

The wall behind my bed is of a shade named Peanut Butter. I love the colour, I hate peanut butter. I hate peanuts.

I have exactly 176 CDs. I don't like sharing them. I think I'll take 'em all with me to London. Maybe I'll leave behind my BSB CDs...

I love post-its. I have green, pink, yellow, mauve and blue ones.

There's an empty(autographed) vodka bottle in my bedside drawer. There are 20 drawers in my room. ha ha. Really.

If you hate me, light an incense stick in my room. It triggers my migraine instantly. Oh, or just play Himesh Reshamiya.

Only a lizard can make me vacate my room. Neha and lizards can't be in the same room. No amount of yelling/laughing/mocking can make me change my mind.

I rub noses with a beanie(a sombre, palm sized pup named Tracker) when I'm thoughtful.

My blanket is 20 years old. One of the edges now has a hole in it...I slip my tiny toe into it...strangely comforting. I can't part with it, no way.

I have a thing for knives. *evil grin*

I can't swim.

I can roll my tongue. No no...don't laugh. Everybody can't do it, it's hereditary.

I'm obsessively particular about the cleanliness of my bathroom. Except for the shower cubicle, there shouldn't be any water anywhere else. Even my sink counter (all glass) must stay dry.

Our Food Safety professor was a prejudiced moron. He threw me out of class once for NO reason..."distraction among the boys at the back" is the excuse he provided. I was glad, the class was too boring anyway.

I wonder if T still has my Vice-Captain badge...

I lost the Captaincy elections in school by ONE vote. That was the only time I cried in public. Well, ok not exactly...I went to the washroom and cried, the public found me.

I wanted to become the Cultural Secretary of our college, I became the Joint Secretary instead.

I am good at giving advice. Not so good at taking it though.

Usual first impressions of me is that I'm snobbish. I break everybody's myth about first impressions.

I'm not bored anymore, Ghost Whisperer's starting...

Letting go of you..

It's difficult to just let go and move on. I can lie to the entire world but I can't lie to myself. I haven't forgotten anything...I live each day fighting memories, fighting back the tears that follow next. I tell myself that it's over, of course it is! I ended it...then why is so difficult! I don't want to hold on to anything. Nothing at all. Not just the bad memories but the good memories as well. It makes me weak. I don't want to see you smile, your dimples make me weak. I know with time I can probably undo all the hurt you've caused me...but how do I undo the joy you brought to me? I can fight the pain, but I get overpowered, outnumbered by the joyous memories. Don't get me wrong...I don't want to forget, I just want to be indifferent. But then there's this small voice tucked away in my heart which keeps telling me that it wont happen.I can't say I'm still in love with you...
I can't say I'm not.

The only thing that hurts more than being with you, is letting you go from my heart.

Sisters

I thought you know how much I love you
So that you know you can turn to me,
Believe that I can solve all your problems
Because I've been through them too.
I don't want to obstruct your growth,
I know you have to learn your way;
But how can I stop worrying about you -
The little girl I've seen grow night and day.
I miss seeing you grin all day long
And never go to your room even when you were told;
Now you choose to keep your door locked,
And not come out till your dinner turns cold.
I wish you wouldn't trust people so easily,
I know how it feels at your age...
I know you hate me when I stand in the the way,
But to protect you, I shall bear your rage.
I know friends are all important for you now,
And it feels like only they can understand you;
But believe me there's nothing like family,
Believe me I've been through this time too.
I was your age not too long back,
So I know everything you're going through;
I just wish you'd have more faith in me,
I would never mean any harm to you.
I'm proud of what you are today
A lot collected than I was back then,
You're beautiful and so very talented -
In my books you'd always get a perfect ten.
Let arrogance not hide what's there to see -
There is a lot of love waiting for you;
You may not see it right away sis,
But your big sister I shall always be.

Venting

In my college at the moment, waiting for some lazy government office clerks to type out some very important papers for me. It's 20 minutes past their lunchtime and they still refuse to move a finger!! It's frustrating...waiting for over three hours now and I swear I've never wanted to whack someone so badly!
Oh but wait!this isn't where my frustration begun...no Sir-ie! Our (not-so-)beloved principal (after a lot of reminders) promised to keep my letter ready today. If you're guessing that he didn't keep it ready, you're obviously right. duh. wait. that isn't all. The dimwit is out of town for another 2 weeks!! So...more running about, and thank God for small miracles...I found other faculty members who could execute the work for me.
But alas...it's all come down to this one lazy, repulsive, barely 5' clerk who apparently needs time to digest every single grain that's gone in his stomach...
Another 15 minutes...and then he's toast!

Almost there.

I just realised that in all my emotional angst I overlooked the fact that I am actually this close to striking off two things from my Wish List...

(1) Do my masters abroad
London. No, I am not against the Indian education system, nor do I have anything against my country. It's only a wish I've harboured since a long time now. I want to explore a new continent/country/city/culture...be on my own for sometime. So, peace.

(2) Get a butterfly tattoo (Originally meant to be my first)
I have the design finalised, so I hope to get it get it inked soon. Butterfly tattoos signify freedom, change and growth...three words that pretty much sum up my life right now. Maybe this was the Greater reason why the butterfly was not meant to be my first tattoo...

Of course, there are a few other wishes and I'm confident I'll strike 'em all off my list one day. For now, these are it.

*smile*

Tonight is one of those nights when I really need to write but I can't get the words out.
It's hurting so bad, I want to cry because I know it'll make me feel lighter. I can't. I feel so numb that even the tears wont flow.There's a blunt ache in my being that refuses to go away...

Maybe we were...

Too consumed to see
Too numb to feel
Too angry to touch
Too hurt to heal

Too shy to talk
Too engulfed to hear
Too busy to call
Too far to be near

Too certain to renew
Too weak to try
Too afraid to ask
Too proud to cry

Too ashamed to admit
Too stubborn to need
Too upset to smile
Too arrogant to plead

Too hard to crack
Too stupid to realise
Too lifeless to act
Too late to love back..


Thank you for finally being the person I knew once upon a time. I never hated you, never even tried to...you have too much goodness in you to overlook.
Be happy.Please.

Why can’t you just accept the fact that I am better off now? I feel so much stronger. Stop making me feel guilty with your sentimental one-liners. I do have a heart and it does get affected. Not because I love you, but because I’m a good human being. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you but you’ve hurt me too…and did you ever apologise? You’ve hurt me in such ways that I can’t even confide in anyone…why? Because I do care what people will think of you. I have no way to heal any of the pain you’ve caused me…every time that it does cross my mind, I pray that time will make it go away.
You accused me several times of having lost faith in you, but tell me…why did I lose it in the first place and more importantly, did you honestly ever try to restore it?
You were a part of every aspect of my life, except the part which involved only you and me…things don’t magically get better…ignorance does not make problems disappear. Life becomes more complicated with age and time…and so do problems. You kept putting off discussions to “when the time is right”…was it ever? So much so that I got used to it, knowing how much damage it was doing to me, to us. But then again, could I ever win over your temper? I don’t know how time went by after that but I panicked the day I realised that I couldn’t talk about what was hurting me even when I was desperately trying to...at least not with a deadline of the “next 5 seconds”. You asked me to speak without the fear of consequences…but how do you talk when the person you’re talking to makes it crystal clear that they aren’t listening? And I’m sorry, but with you consequences were too severe…I had to fear them.
You do not punish the people you love to teach them lessons! I’ve always wanted to tell you that. How could you just take it upon yourself to “prepare” me for an unseen (supposedly difficult) future by intentionally making my life inconvenient? When you love someone, you try to make your lover’s life as uncomplicated as possible…you should make your lover feel like no harm can ever touch her in your presence. That’s security to me.
I gave you the rights to hurt me...remember how I used to tell you initially that for all the love you gave me, a little bit of hurt was alright? I was wrong. I think you misunderstood and exercised your rights to the fullest…
I lost my power of expression because of you…if I’m writing so much now; it is to rediscover that lost part of me. I became impractical and obsessive…I became my own worst nightmare. I’m trying to undo all of that…if you can’t help me, please at least don’t stand in the way.
I haven’t cried since a long time now and it feels wonderful. I have the rights to feel that way…and so do you. What we had was very special, very close to my heart...I’m sorry you can’t remember any of the good times. I always will. Please don’t try to take that away from me…
Be happy. Strangely my happiness still includes you.

Epilogue

Dated : 11/02/08

I wonder what it would be like
To wake up one day and forget all words,
Have no way to express myself
And go through life ignored and unheard..
Or maybe say everything you need to say,
Thinking, hoping, praying it will suffice,
And then be met with aloofness..
At most a meaningless apology -
full of sentiments as warm as ice.
I wonder if love is not just a feeling,
But also an unstated license to hurt..
A license to empower the one you love
To mould you into someone he can like
I wonder why 'flaws' can't stay with me
And be as accepted as everything else..
Please don't tell me I'm inferior to you -
I won't accompany you in belittling myself.

Wow it's been so long since I've posted anything.Well I could just say I was busy but that wouldn't be the entire truth. Yes, I've been busy but I've also been running away from reality...I almost didn't want to face myself, and that's what I'm supposed to do when I write..right?
A lot has happened, details of which I'd much rather leave out...but I'm sure the ones who care will figure out by the end of this post...
I'm strangely relaxed...it's been long since I've been driven to tears just for the sake of love. My pillow now remains dry at night. I don't know helplessness anymore. No longer do I have to worry about begging someone not to spoil my few moments of joy. I'm certain I'll be abandoned a lot lesser now. I will no longer be told that I'm inferior. I'm fearless now. No more begging to be heard. I shall never be asked to shut up when I need to speak out. The phone will never be hung up intentionally when I do speak out. I wont always have to think before I speak. Consequences wont be half as bad. I wont miss sarcasm. Mockery will not be missed either. Apologies will be heard more often. Happiness will have multiple factors rather than a constant. Self respect isn't lost anymore. I found it in courage. I'm making changes happen. Quick.

Yes,a lot shall be missed in a good way. But, life has too much too offer and I don't intend to miss out anymore.