This year

2009.

This is the year I’ll never forget. If I could squeeze in some drama, I’d tell you that this is the year that has changed me forever. Such has been the impact. This year I've lost more friends than I’ve made. I’ve learnt to hate and tell people I hate them…I’ve forgotten how to tell the ones I love, that, I love them. I’ve learnt too much restraint for my own good.

I still haven’t learnt to lie with a straight face. Some things should never change :).

I've had my heart broken and trampled over only to burn with a stubborn desire to love. Though not happily, but I have learnt to try not to hold things to my heart…it hurts lesser or maybe my heart’s too numb, who knows! 2009 has been witness to the kind of love I never knew existed. Yet, this year will be the year I’ve craved for love the most. I don’t think that’s something I’ll put myself through ever again. I’ve come to accept that it isn’t anybody’s fault that I don’t have faith in them. I don’t understand faith too well. The day I do, I’ll welcome it with open arms.

This year I’ve lost something I never had. I’ve lamented, regretted and wished I could turn back time and do things differently. I’ve learnt that some damages are irreparable…and that some losses are irreplaceable.

It’s been a tough year, this 2009. This is the first year that I’ve lived away from home…learnt to cook and clean and be good at it! It sounds quite trivial, I know, but it is undoubtedly one of the most important things I've learnt. If I may brag a bit (since it is my blog!)…some of my friends here have told me that some of the dishes I make are better than what they get back home. I also baked a fruit cake this Christmas that people mistook for a store bought cake….oh the pride! :)

This year has reinforced one solid belief in my life – I have kickass friends! If you guys are reading this (and you know who you are!), I want you to know that you guys have given me all the strength I needed, whenever I needed it. I love you all so very much!

It is not so much a belief as it is a fact…I have a beautiful, loving family and there is absolutely nothing more important to me than them. I’m certain that’s something that won’t change either.

It’s been a roller coaster…this 2009…

Embers

Don’t look into my heart,

There’s nothing left to see…

Just a few dying embers,

Leftovers from a fantasy.

Shut the door behind you,

Shut the door as you leave;

The darkness echoes the calm

My heart feels after I grieve.

Let hope fade into oblivion,

Don’t come near me again…

Your touch revives love,

A love that invokes pain.

You’re all I have left in me,

Only you make me whole;

Instead of killing me little by little,

Put a bullet through my soul.

whirlwind and lightning bolts

Ok people, this is the place I ramble in when I’m upset…so no sympathy, kapish?

Nothing’s quite right. The past one month has been a roller coaster…of events and emotions I could never prepare myself for. Yet, I’m unusually numb…like I don’t care. My mind and my heart are playing tricks on me…the pain doesn’t even seem real and yet it’s real enough to keep me awake all night, night after night and make my heart ache – literally. I’m not strong enough to deal with so much all at once…and so I do what I do best – I keep pushing it back, hoping it’ll disappear somewhere in the already cluttered, cobwebbed past.

Something terrible happened recently. Right then, all I knew was that I needed my best friend because I didn’t want to be alone. She consoled me knowing I was crumbled inside; she coaxed me to cry, scream even if necessary. I just sat there looking down, fiddling with random objects…suffocated. She cried for me while I just sat there. I’m drained of all energy to react to pain and recover from it. Or maybe somewhere in my subconscious mind, I don’t want to anymore. I’m tired of being hurt every single time. Maybe I want to be completely destroyed…because from there, the only way is Up. I’m stuck somewhere in between and sinking so agonizingly slow that I can feel every painful jab at my soul.

On a lighter note…I did something different and outrageous this time around. I usually am a collected person even when I’m angry (USUALLY). I’d much rather ignore dirt and vent out here instead. This time, I didn’t bother. The bitch deserved it. Here’s an excerpt from a recent text I sent to a dear friend:

“…I think you owe him and me an apology for behaving like a drunken slut. Just thought I’d remind you because you obviously don’t have the decency or the shame.”

Verbally, there was much more. A house mate tells me the Bong in me finally surfaced *snigger*

Drunken Slut is what she will be known as from now on. I like it.

I’m (usually) not the bitchy kind. I despise these damsel-in-distress kinds. But when one makes alcohol an excuse and throws herself at my guy in my absence? I will hurt you till you cry.

Yes, Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.

Dare

I dare you to break boundaries,

And freefall into this abyss;

I dare you to take a chance,

And be dead or find your bliss.

Be tired of running away

To find your way back home;

Dare to hold on to eternity

In shifting oceans of foam.

Make the biggest mistake -

And let happiness in your heart;

Let the sun shine upon you…

Dare to make a new start.

Hope! Expect! Want!

Rightfully demand for me!

Claim your place in my heart…

I'm yours…or can’t you see?

Give in to yourself -

To what you and I could be;

I dare you to close your eyes,

And give yourself to me.

Shadow

Ever present, effervescent presence -

You linger long after you’re gone,

Leaving a fiery trail of emptiness,

Heartstrings tugged at and undone.

You remain – untouched and unmoved,

You stay hidden behind a violet veil;

You watch, observe carefully

As I wither away and become frail.

You match every step,

You know my every move;

Undeterred by ignorance,

You’re a constant I cannot elude.

Consumed by hatred,

You’re driven by greed;

Severed as I lie in your path,

Satisfied, you watch me bleed.

You stay long after I’m gone;

Silent…placid…content,

You blend in with the void…

You’re poison, a sedative scent.

You’re a stubborn stain,

A constant, nagging reminder,

You’re a scar that refuses to fade,

A memory that won’t be blurred.

You prosper with fear,

You feed off my weakness…

Evidence of my crude existence,

You’re an insatiable darkness.

Home, Happiness and Happy Birthday :)

Guess who's back home :)

Anyway, my little sister turned 17 today. So our youngest sister and I decided to bake her a cake instead of getting one from the pastry shop. It was sooo much fun!! You guys have to see this...

Here's the birthday girl about to cut the cake (ater being smothered by chocolate icing from the cake her friends got). I know, I know...I have to work on the icing!

Ta-da!

And here is a cross section of the cake. Believe it :)

Anyone wants a piece? :)

P.S. The uper layer had purple too...wonder where it disappeared!

Update: The purple has been found :))

R.I.P

You selfish prick. I just told you someone I knew DIED and all you care about is that I’m not talking to you??!

It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know her too well, it doesn’t even matter that she wasn’t my favourite person. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s gone. She seemed like she had everything going for her…pretty girl, talented, ambitious – she knew exactly what she wanted out of life when most of us were still aimless. What could have gone so wrong that she felt the need to end her life?

Yes, I’m grateful for all that I have in life and no matter how difficult things get, I never lose track of all my blessings. There’s a lot of joy and there are a lot of heartaches. Life isn’t perfect. I don’t know if my problems will get any better or worse…I don’t know if I’ll be loved the way I want to be loved or if I’ll ever love back the way I imagine it in my mind…I don’t know how my life will be 5 years…10 years down the line…if I’ll be happy. And tonight for the first time in my life, not knowing frightens me.

May your soul rest in peace P.

A-Z

Okay! Freelancer tagged me with this one almost about a month back…and I’ve just been a little too caught up! My bad! So here is the A-Z of me :)…

A – Available/Single? – Single and available are not the same thing! And the answer would be a ‘NO’ for both.

B – Best friend? – can’t pick one! I’m blessed with two.

C – Cake or Pie? – Cake mostly…umm but I’m sort of weird that way. No regular double/triple/quadruple chocolate for me!! I prefer fresh cream cakes…black forest, fresh cream-pineapple, etc etc. ooooh and cheesecakes! But warm apple pie with ice-cream/ whipped cream (or both!) -yum!

D – Do I want something right now?– Yes! Craving for the above mentioned cakes/pie now!

E – Essential item you use every day? – Well…toothbrush, keys, wallet, etc go without saying I suppose. SO I would say…kohl. In my defense…my eyes feel puffy if I don’t apply kohl. :P

F – Freedom to me is? – Unattainable for most of us. In the modern day, we mere mortals are bound by time.

G – Giggle / Laughter – a whole hearted laugh.

H – Heart / Brain –Brain! Ze heart is a lot of trouble!

I – Indulgence/ Addiction? – After Eight :). For people who don't know...it's a chocolate.

J – July or July? – January ;) …my birthday month!

K – Kids & their names? – errr… say what?

L - Life is – poetry in motion…sometimes we struggle to make the words rhyme and sometimes stumble upon beauty even in the total lack of rhythm.

M – Mistakes – multiple shots of tequila at 4 am! Haahah…ok jokes apart! Mistakes are essential to know what’s right for us.

N – Number of siblings? – Two loverly little sisters :)

O – One thing I hate to accept? – I get hurt easily. Whattodo foolish heart!

P – Pictures / Reality – reality captured in pictures.

Q – Quote for today? – ‘Multi-tasking - screwing everything up simultaneously’!

R – Reason behind my brain working these days? – Well, tried the heart…and let’s just say the heart and I had a li'l fallout! So back to the good ol’ brain!

S – Season? – Winter :)…snuggling up in couch in a cozy blanket, hot chocolate and a good book…walking around the house in an oversized sweater and colourful socks…going to sleep tucked in a warm, fluffy blanket…Christmas :)

T – Tag 3 People? – Hmm I tag the three people who really really want to do this tag!

U – Unknown fact about me? - I lick the bowl clean after finishing the soup in it. Fortunately, I don’t do this in public. :)

V – Vegetable you don't like? – Pumpkins. Hate it, hate it, hate it!!

W – Worst habit? – I can never reach anywhere on time!

X – X-rays you've had? – Quite some! Dislocated limbs, back injury, immigration procedures…enough?

Y – Yes?? Yuck??? – err…what do you want me to answer???

Z – Zodiac sign? – One helluva stubborn Capricorn!

The one

*Note: Slightly bolder terrain! Reader discretion advised*

If it was possible to choose who we fell in love with, she probably wouldn’t be sitting in the corner, alone, crying after he left.

They were strangers who were instantly attracted to one another. She was floored by his confident disposition and flattered by his undivided attention. He was spellbound by her mystique. He told her he wanted her...it had been long since she’d felt that desired and just knowing so made her want to give in to him completely. She knew at that very moment that what was to happen from that point on, would be irreversible. He would be the one man she would never forget.

Things were simple. They were two weathered souls who no longer believed in the happily ever after. They were adults aware of their wants and desires and made no charade of emotions. All that was unnecessary. He wanted her and she longed to be cherished.

Simple?

Or so it seemed.

She fell in love with him. He did not. He never would...he’d made certain she knew that. She was special to him and he wouldn’t dare do anything to hurt her. She was free to walk out of their “arrangement” anytime. He spoke very little…considered it a waste of time in which he’d rather make love to her. The passion with which he devoured her in bed left her breathless and weak. Love was never to be mentioned. But that could not stop her from hopelessly falling in love with the one man she would never have.

Her entire day was spent in anticipation of the few hours he’d spend with her in the evening. She knew so little about his life but there was a silent agreement that they’d meet at her apartment when he wanted to see her. He’d stay for a few hours; sometimes even late into the night. But he’d never stay the night. He’d be uncomfortable when she’d fall asleep in his arms and would wake her up to wish her a good night and drive away. It all had to happen by his rules. It was at these times, after he left, that she’d breakdown and weep inconsolably in the emptiness of her apartment and her life. For once she wanted to fall asleep feeling him breathe and wake up in his arms. She wished he’d ask her about her day and hold her a little longer. She longed to be a part of his life. She longed to be loved despite knowing that he would never love again.

She cried so hard, she could feel her body tremble. She wrapped her arms around herself…lonely, afraid of the realization that she too, would never love again.

Rambling

It’s been long since I’ve written anything. After moving to London, my life took a dramatic turn. Unfortunately, not a pleasant one. I wrote lesser and chose to suffer in silence instead. Personally, I hit rock bottom. Going back home was not just about meeting family, but also an opportunity for me to renew myself and gain back the strength I’d lost. And I did. I made a conscious decision to be a stronger, wiser person and write more often because writing keeps me sane. For me, not writing can either be a wonderful thing or a sign that something’s terribly wrong. Sadly this time, it’s the latter. After that frightful night, I feel like I'm spiralling back into the same darkness again. I feel too numb to write. My heart’s heavy, eager to let it all out...but I don’t have the words.

Do you know how much you’re hurting me? If you care, then tell me so...please don’t pretend not to. Your cold, vicious words break my strong resolve every time. No matter how hard I try to be indifferent, pretend that you don’t matter...truth is I’m miserably in love with you and it isn’t in my power to undo it. I can’t tell you so because I’m scared that if I do, I’ll only give you the power to hurt me more. But is it that difficult to see?

As corny as it may be...there’s a famous dialogue from Notting Hill reeling in my head for the past few days...

“I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”

I'm not as strong and cold as you think I am.

I Am.

A sun catcher, a wind chime -

I hold what you can never see;

I am the thought that lingers,

I am the only forbidden glee.

I’m the music you can’t recreate,

The rhythm you cannot fight;

You play me all you want -

I’m the tune you can never get right.

The moment of truth, I am,

A reflection staring back at you;

I am the reason you look away,

In nothingness, I’m all that’s true.

I’m the drop that tempts your lips,

The warmth that draws you close;

I’m the wind beneath your wings,

I’m the inner glow that shows.

A reason you cannot reason with,

The answer you’ve always known;

I am the question that’ll remain

And leave you tattered and torn.

The power that makes you weak,

Or the love that can fill your life;

I’m the home you wish you had,

The cause of an eternal strife.

A sun catcher, a wind chime,

The raging water behind a dam!

Your heartbeats race and skip,

You can love because I am.

Proudly Bangali!

If my Bengali teachers from school could see this...one of the following two things could happen-

· They’d be overwhelmed and die with a smile on their face.

· They’d die out of shock.

Heehe...either way, they’d die!

Yes, I’m a Bengali and proudly so! But honestly I’ve never really been drawn towards Bengali literature in a grand way- maybe just the popular ones or the ones that “every Bengali must know”. No, it has never been a matter of cool and not-cool...it just never happened. You get the picture, right? Needless to say, my bangla has always been a little kacha. I can speak the language fluently, I know the letters but expressing myself the way I do in English...bleh.

Then something weird happened. After coming to London, as EVERYBODY knows, I’ve been missing home terribly. So much so that I’ve been listening to a lot of Bengali music and watching many Bengali movies...just to feel a little at home. Yes yes, very strange I am. I listen to Dean Martin, The Doors and Anjan Dutta back to back. I despise all the hip-hop music that’s oh-so-in now! Anyhow, coming back to the subject! I ended up writing a poem in Bengali last night. Happened. Words just came to me. It may not be a masterpiece...but I’m so very proud!

হারানো ভালোবাসা

কোথায় তুমি হারিয়ে গেলে -

বুঝেও বুঝতে পারছি না;

কত কথা মনে পড়ে,

চেষ্টা করেও ভোলা যায় না।

শুধু তোমার হতে চাই,

তোমাকে চাই নিজের কাছে;

একটা চাপা রহশ্যের মত,

থাকতে চাই মনের ফাকে।

একটা নিঃশব্দ রাতের মত,

সব জেনেও কিছু না বলতে চায়-

রইল এই হারানো ভালোবাসা,

কিছু নির্বাক পাতায় পাতায়...

And before you extra-patient readers boycott my blog...here’s what it would read as:

Harano Bhalobasha

Kothay tumi hariye gele-

Bujheo bujhte parchi na;

Koto kotha mone pore,

Chesta koreo bhola jaey na.

Shudhu tomar hote chaiy,

Tomake chaiy nijer kache;

Ekta chapa rohoshyer moto;

Thakte chaiy moner phake.

Ekta nishobdo raater moto,

Shob jeneo kichu na bolte chaey-

Roiylo eiy harano bhalobasha,

Kichu nirbak patay patay.

*sigh* I’m so proud :)

Silent Scream

Do you know you’re on my mind?

That the thoughts are agonizingly deep?

Do you know I stay awake all night?

That is if I don’t cry myself to sleep.

It’s hurtful to know I’m such a bother,

That you’d rather stay away from me…

For you, I’ve killed a part of myself;

Dreams, my eyes no longer see.

You make me feel like such a tease,

A few good laughs is all I am…

I neither deserve nor can want no more,

Every smile on my lips- a new sham.

It’s amazing how oblivious you are

In this tug of love and hate;

As you turn around and brush it off-

I watch my heart burn at stake…

Brown eyed girl

He observed her from a distance. She was with a few girls her own age. Friends probably. He watched her as they chatted away to glory. It was almost as if she’d programmed herself to laugh or pass a comment at certain intervals just so her friends wouldn’t suspect anything. But she couldn’t fool him. She had the saddest eyes he had ever seen. Every now and then her eyes would become glassy and just then she’d laugh loudly as if to push back the tears to a safer place. He had a strong urge to walk over to their table, pull her away and look in her eyes till she broke down. But he was a decent man so he forced himself to look away. He took his coffee and headed back to his office.

He thought about her all day. All day while he typed away and gave orders and signed papers, he couldn’t stop thinking about the girl with the sad eyes. “What was it about her?” he thought to himself as he got ready to head back home. “Maybe she just had a bad day”... “No no! There was lot more behind those brown eyes”. The debate with himself continued all the way to tube station.

The train was packed. Office hours were always a nightmare for London Underground. But he was too consumed to take notice. It was only when someone almost knocked him over, did he look around…and there she was- standing in a corner, trying to become invisible. Her eyes didn’t meet anyone, not the smallest trace of a smile on her face. He didn’t realize how time flew in the crowded train…he didn’t realize when the crowd subsided and that they were now sitting across from one another. Suddenly he realized she was looking straight at him, slightly displeased, probably because he was unconsciously staring at her. He managed to salvage the remaining scraps of his dignity and smiled back at her…

“Hot, huh?” Were the words he managed to cough up and immediately wished a portal would open up right then and suck him in!

“Yes, it is an exceptionally hot day...” she responded politely. Boy was he glad she understood what he intended to say! Her voice was deep, almost pained. He immediately knew it was one voice he’d remember all his life. He was tempted to hear more, so he decided to push his luck further… “If you don’t mind me saying so, you have very beautiful eyes”

She looked more surprised than offended or pleased. Managing a polite smile she thanked him and plugged in her headphones to avoid further conversations with the strange stranger.

She pretended to listen to music. She often did that to avoid people – plug in her headphones and not play any music. She wanted to be accustomed to being alone...she had to become used to being silent and invisible. She could no longer be the feisty person she was once. Her spark, her pride had become the biggest obstacle in her life. The lesser she spoke, the lesser troubles she had. She didn’t realize when a defiant drop of tear escaped her strong will.

He didn’t miss it. He knew she wasn’t listening to anything…eyes like those would’ve reacted to music. Those eyes gave away too easily. He got up from his seat and took a seat beside her and offered her a tissue he rummaged from his bag. Without looking up, she accepted it and dabbed her eyes.

She was prettier up close and he had to fight hard to resist wiping away the tear himself. Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment which rendered it a little colour where it was initially pale. He smiled as she bit her lower lip in an attempt to stop the tears from resurfacing. Her stubbornness was almost amusing to watch.

“Thanks.” She said, interrupting his thoughts, “Something must’ve gotten into my eyes.” She lied. Those eyes weren’t meant for secrets. As if almost reading his thoughts, she quickly looked away and plugged in her silent headphones again.

“There’s no music” he blurted out but didn’t feel obliged to apologize.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You’re not listening to any music. I can tell.”

“I didn’t ask” She snapped back.

“I was with her for six years. I was going to ask her to marry me. Then she left me for another man. She never even told me why she was unhappy with me. It broke my heart.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” she looked genuinely confused.

“Because you will forget everything the minute you get off this train. And I’ll still be lightened of a burden I’ve been carrying around for quite some time now.”

She said nothing, just continued to stare at this stranger. Yet they both completely understood what he was saying and what he was not saying.

She didn’t attempt to break eye contact anymore, almost as if daring him to keep up with her.

They always looked away.

But he wouldn’t. He was mesmerized by her eyes, touched by the pain she was feeling.

Her eyes became glassy and for the first time in the entire day, he saw a hint of helpless rage her eyes. He still didn’t look away.

Her eyes softened, “I love someone who is irritated by my very presence…who doesn’t have the patience or the tolerance to listen to any of my thoughts, ideas, complains or suggestions. I love someone who won’t even be in the same room as me when I cry…let alone put a loving arm around me. I’m in love with someone who is enraged by the very existence of me in his life. Yet, I’m accused everyday of being blind to his love.”

He didn’t look away, just wiped away the tears that had finally escaped. “Do you need some water?”

“No, thank you. I’m fine.” Having said that, she looked at him and they both laughed…the word ‘fine’ was probably the most misused word in history.

“Your eyes are beautiful when you cry and even more so when you laugh.”

“Thank you…for everything.”

“My pleasure”

They continued the remaining journey in silence. But a refreshingly peaceful silence.

“I get off at the next stop” she said breaking the silence. Her eyes were still sad but there was a hint of life in them.

“Goodnight. I hope we cross paths again.” he smiled at her, engaging her eyes again.

“Maybe. Goodnight.” She smiled back at him.

But only did their eyes communicate the truth and left them both slightly heartbroken and slightly more alive than they were.

Tag :)

Was in one of those random moods, trying to divert my mind...so I decided to do this Tag 'cause I really liked it. Picked this one up from Annie's blog...

Ten Things You Wish You Could Say to People, don’t take any names

1. Thank you for being there for me sis. I love you till the end! I know you’re still hurting…and it breaks my heart to see you pretending each day. Let it go.
2. You truly are a gem. When uncle passed away…I remember going to your place to console you and I remember just standing there. No words seemed suitable enough. I still think about it and I don’t know what I should’ve told you. I came home that night and wrote something that I haven’t shown to anybody ever.
3. I can’t say this enough…you screwed up. Nothing more, nothing less. Please don’t give her any more importance than that in your life. I trust you. Soul mates forever!
4. I’m sorry for everything I said that evening. It’s something that I will never forgive myself for. I am so much like you…I only wish I had even a fraction of your generosity. Thank you for letting me spread my wings and choose my own flight at every point in my life.
5. I stayed awake till I was certain you were asleep…I was so terrified, I got up in the middle of the night to check if you were breathing. I think it was in those four days that we became closer. I love you for everything you do for us. I don’t think I thank you enough. I miss the you-me times...the movies, lunches, shopping, even the early morning workouts I’d complain about! Most of all I miss the weekend movie screening at home :(
6. I hope you get the same treatment in your old age.
7. You were too short for me :P
8. I wish I could cut you out of my life. You’re the only mistake I regret making. I won’t be yours even if you’re the last man alive! Scheme your way through that.
9. “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.” How true, isn’t it? You’ll always have a part of me.
10. My silence haunts me every second of everyday…when will you notice?

Nine things about you

1. I’m a Body Shop addict. I love their body butters…I have ‘em in coconut, brazil nut, mango, strawberry, passion fruit and peach (the last two being my favourites...they smell good enough to eat!). I love how their honey shampoo smells…it’s currently one of my favourite smells. Which reminds me…I always smell divine ;)
2. I’m a clumsy twat! I drop almost everything I touch.
3. I have nine piercings (all on the ears) and one tattoo.
4. I’m trained in western and latin dance. There was a time in my life I wanted to be nothing but a dancer.
5. As unbelievable as it might be…I’m actually uncomfortable with all the emotional stuff. That’s why I write.
6. I’m painfully boring :P
7. I’m an awesome cook. And I don’t mean a couple amazing dishes …we’re talking multiple courses-various cuisines-awesome!
8. I have scarily expressive eyes. Sometimes when I’m angry…just one look does the trick.
9. I honestly believe love isn’t made for me. ‘Tis no melodramatic line…it’s a carefully analyzed, practical conclusion.

Eight ways to win your heart

haahah…I have no clue! Sudden gestures catch my fancy. But will give it shot…

1. Be confident. I’ve grown out of the shy-guys phase.
2. Be a gentleman. Treat me like a lady. Simple?
3. Take the pains of preparing a fancy dinner for me/with me once in a while and enjoying it candle lit.
4. Slow dance with me in the rain. Once.
5. Write something for me.
6. Love my quirks.
7. Catch me unawares with a kiss now and then.
8. Win the hearts of my family members :)

Seven things that are on your mind a lot

1. He
2. He
3. He
4. He
5. He
6. He
7. What next (career, life, etc etc)

Six things you wish you never did

1. Leave dancing (as in the BIG way)
2. Get that horrendous hair cut when I was 13!
3. Errr…wax myself. Very traumatic experience. Don’t ask!
4. Kiss him.
5. Keep quiet when I shouldn’t
6. Fall weak time and time again.

Five things that turn you off

1. Compulsive lying.
2. Wrong English.
3. The yo-man-mah-lyfe-so-kewl types!
4. Body odour/ bad breath
5. “Baby” (!!!)

Four turn on’s

1. Confidence
2. Intelligence
3. Wit
4. Humor with a touch of sarcasm

Three things you want to do before you die

1. Travel alone
2. Be famous
3. Change at least one life (for the better.)

Two smileys that describe you

1. :|
2. :(

One confession

• I have no idea where all this is headed. All I know is that I need you.

The Eternal Flame

A flame that’s inextinguishable

You truly are…

A fire that consumes everything,

An uncontrolled power.

You’re the sun -

Warm, inviting on a cold grey day;

Ruthless too you are,

To everything that comes your way.

You’re a light that glows forever,

Too bright to be concealed.

Yet hidden you’ll remain in me,

Too precious to be revealed.

Holler!

Ok. Long story short...I accidentally deleted my old blog template (yes, stupid! I know, I know). So, this is my temporary/ trial template...I'm still on the prowl for better ones! Suggestions are most welcome!

Cheers!

yearning

You said you’d be there if I needed you,

You said you knew each breath and pore;

Why then are you so distant

Now that I need you ever more?

I’m hurting beyond belief,

And no one I want to turn to…

I can’t suffer in silence anymore

Can’t you see that I need you?

You- a blunt ache in my heart

To which only you are the cure;

Addictive as narcotics you are,

You leave me begging for more.

Don’t you hear my silent pleas

Or is my silence finally dead?

You so willingly to cut my voice;

But love, has everything been said?

I’m powerless when I’m with you,

And lifeless when I’m not…

You - my conviction,

You’re all the love I’ve got.

Do you hear me now?

Now that I’m bleeding out;

I need you oh so much,

I need you without a doubt.

I let the rain pour today

I let the rain pour today…

Though crevices of my heart

And the cracks in my shield;

I let the rain pour today

And wash away the layers.

I stood still when lightning struck,

I stood still as it poured,

I soaked every drop that fell,

I stood still as thunder roared.

I let the rain tangle my hair,

And free it from its glossy form;

I let the wind through its maze,

And be unleashed in the storm.

I let my thoughts drift to you…

To memories only I’ll ever know;

I didn’t stop the tear that dropped,

I couldn’t hide the iridescent glow.

I let the rain pour today,

Let it pour in all its might;

I let my heart be drenched

Hoping it would heal just a slight…

unsaid

I wish I could let go of

Every touch and every dream,

Every skipped heartbeat

And every silent scream…

I don’t believe

A word you speak now,

The rage you intentionally spew;

I respect every bit of your being

Unfortunately I have a heart too…

You’ve left a mark on me that I won’t be able to undo for as long as I live. A mark that’s sadistically beautiful –almost as if it feeds off the pain to engrave itself deeper on my being. A part of me is too busy pretending not to care. And the other part doesn’t quite give a damn. And somewhere between these two is a speck of a heart which only knows how to ache longingly. I think about the choices I could’ve made…the times I could’ve pulled myself out…the times I could’ve stopped myself from believing…believing in the goodness, the blatant wooing, the beautiful coincidence of it all. And I'm left wondering what to believe. I’m still holding onto all that. Maybe because I’d much rather not see this side of you. A cold, indifferent you. I don’t understand.

Do I still have love left in me?

Yes.

Do I want to have love left in me?

No.

Serendipity

“Hmm”

“I wish you had this view”

“I wish I had you.”

“Hmm.”

“Hmm..”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, tell me!”

“Won’t. Too deep, too bare. So you better not dare.”

“Hmm”

“Good.”

“You’re stubborn.”

“So are you!”

“I still can’t get you to tell me anything.”

“I wanted to kiss you..”

“Don’t go there…”

“Fine.”

“Don’t be angry…just stay with me.”

“And be leashed! No way!”

“Fine. Go. Is that all you ever want?”

“I want you. Your hopes, your dreams, your anguish, your pain. Your body is beautiful. And your soul is divine. I want all this. And more.”

“Hmm..”

“Fine. Bye!”

“Come on…don’t go!”

“Already gone.”

“Fine. Bye.”

“Hmm..”

“What now?”

“Nothing.”

“Then go away.”

“Nope.”

“Leave me alone, will you!”

“Won’t. We’re meant to be together.”

“And that’s why you keep coming and going as you please! You hurt me..”

“You hurt me too love.”

“Then why do you keep coming back?”

“Because you are home.”

Stay with me...

Stay with me tonight

Just tonight don’t let go of me;

I’ll pour my heart out to you,

Show you everything there is to see.

My soul is so full of scars,

I’m afraid it’ll frighten you...

I want to tell you everything

No lies, only what is true.

Hold me and take me in your arms,

When I don’t have the courage to talk.

Kiss my hand gently,

Whisk me away for a midnight walk.

Stay with me even when I resist,

Even if I push you away.

Stay a little while longer,

Stay with me through this day…

you

A heartache brewing from the past,

A familiar scent that will never last,

A desire so strong, so enticing again,

Like the scorched earth after the rain.

You’re a path I’d tread without seeing

With you I’m everything I’m afraid of being.

You’re everything I want, but I must leave;

Afraid if I linger, I might begin to believe…

Home

AND FINALLY. I’m home.

I cant remember being this happy in a long time now. Everything is so very wonderful - home, family, friends, familiar strangers in the park…even the heat, dust and noise…I don’t mind any bit of it. My friends might not know this but if you’re reading this, believe me I wanted to hug you and cry my guts out when I saw you. I’m that relieved and overwhelmed. I’m cold in person. Must change that :P

Last evening, I sat on top of our water reservoir and spent the most wonderful time alone. And for a change I didn’t feel lonely. I rediscovered bits of courage that I thought I’d exhausted. I’m not looking forward to going back to London, but I am looking forward to my future. Then I let my mind wander and for once I didn’t search for the stars and curse the pollution for not being able to find them. My stars were downstairs…maa in the kitchen preparing my favourite dinner, papa sorting through family pictures on the computer, and my vibrant little sisters fighting over the remote control for the TV despite having three televisions in the house!

*sigh*

I don’t want to go back.

Now before I forget, I want to send out a very special Thank You to a very special person...

Pearl, I know you wont be reading this anytime soon ( or maybe you will!)…but whenever you do, I want you to know that I don’t have words dear enough to thank you for what you’ve done for me. I have friends and best friends but over the last year or two, you’ve surpassed all that. You’re much much more to me…you’re my soul sister if there’s any such thing! It was your voice in my head that saved me from a huge mistake… it was you who gave me strength when I needed it the most. I’m so happy I got to meet you before you left and for that I owe you another huge thank you…it wouldn’t have been possible if not for you. I’ll miss you so very much :( and wherever you are gurl, always know that I’m only a phonecall (and a slightly expensive flight) away. Love you babes…

For all my friends who’re tossing up excuses for not being able to meet me…I’ll tell you about Pearl sometime.

P.S. I have some truly amazing friends. I might go on a rampage and ramble about all of them in my next post. Please bear with me!

I apparently was the object of a pervert’s fantasies. A pervert who very sadly happens to be a housemate. I’ve tolerated his loud foul mouth with the firm belief that there’s goodness in him. And he went around narrating his sick fantasies to some other male housemates. I don’t know if anybody else participated…I don’t care if they didn’t. I’m a little disgusted by all of them. why? Because none of these grown men had the bloody decency to ask the sick bastard to shut up. I figure that would be breaking some secret male-bonding code. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not some radical feminist, but can you blame me for being angry? And Angry I am. Very very angry. I feel violated. And I feel hurt. Everyone who knows me, knows that I’m not the ‘flashy’ kind. I’m neither flirtatious nor am I cheap. On the contrary, one might say I’m even a bit conservative. I know my limits and I take special care not to send any mixed signals to anybody. I’ve suffered and I’ve learnt. So while I’m angry, violated and hurt, I’m also confused about what I did to ever encourage this little pervert to have such thoughts. And today when I confronted him, I just realized that the answer is in my question…He is a sick minded pervert. He doesn’t require need encouragement to be the dirty son of a bitch that he is.

Believe it or not, he uses the word ‘whore’ (translated into various languages and slangs) for every woman who’s not his family. He believes all women dancers are equivalent to bar dancers/strippers. He condones sexual abuse/rape because it obviously is the woman’s fault for dressing suggestively or roaming the streets late at night. He believes that marriage entitles a man to force sex upon his wife. Yes ladies, such men exist.

Hmm. Well. don’t really know what else to write even though my mind is boiling over and spewing hot rage everywhere! All I can say to you, yes YOU, is that I really don’t care about your apologies, you never really were my friend. Forget forgiveness! Honestly you were just an acquaintance whom I don’t have to acknowledge anymore. I hope you rot in hell and as I told you earlier, I’m sorry you even have a mother. I don’t usually take names in my blog, but this time I want friends and acquiantances to know, to be warned...

I hate you, Ridwan Gazi.

P.S….don’t worry about me. I’m a strong girl. And I still do have a few nicer housemates :)

slow burn

“I’ll count to five. After that I wont listen to a word you say”, his tone as warm as ice.

She knew he meant it, she knew she’d have to somehow wrap up her aching heart within the next five seconds. She began, unsteady, her words garbled by the inconsolable tears, “I…it’s hurting..”

“one”

“try…for once understand what…”

“two”

“…how can I make you understand ev…”

“three.”

“let me talk dammit!”

“four”

She was crying even more furiously by now, “I can’t talk like this…I..”

“five. That’s it.”

“you can’t keep doing this to me. Don‘t push me that way again…” she managed to say in between tears, “I won’t be able to go on like this…”

“then get lost you bloody bitch!” his face turned red with anger, he turned picked up the chair and threw it at the door beside her. She jumped up with fear and yet she couldn’t tell him how afraid she was. He ripped the intricate mirror off the wall and threw it across the room. She watched helplessly as glass flew all over the room. She was powerless, consumed by her own fear. A fear that agitated him even more.

“WHORE! Bloody bitch!”

She sobbed into her blanket, trying to muffle the sounds even more, “stop saying that…”, she managed to say in a feeble voice.

He didn’t hear her. He stormed out of the house and slammed the door shut on her face.

2:30am.

His last words still echoed in the room. She felt stifled…she wanted to run away. But she had nowhere to go. He was all she had in the city. Besides, how could she walk out in the streets when the tears just refused to stop. She had to divert her mind…she looked around the room. It was a mess. She took a deep breath and got up to straighten the chair. There were shards of glass everywhere…she started to pick them up one by one. She kept telling herself that he would be back soon. He knew she couldn’t be alone at night, “he knows it very well”, she repeated loudly as if to silence the reverberations of their argument. Just then she heard her phone ring. A message.

Won’t come home tonight. Will be back tomorrow morning.

She calmly placed her phone on the table and continued to pick up the miniscule pieces of glass from the carpet. Her tears now knew no bounds. She scolded herself, but nothing helped. She dropped the pieces of glass and sat down on the floor, sobbing helplessly. She chose this life. Again. She believed in his goodness. Again. It was her decision and she’d given too much of herself to turn back now. She loved him in ways that only she could understand. She couldn’t let go. She wouldn’t. Not anymore.

She picked up a piece of the broken glass and very deliberately ran it on her leg just above the mark she’d made two days back. She felt a slight burn and watched as a tiny drop of blood surfaced. All the pain she felt suddenly rushed to her leg and she felt surprisingly lighter. And then, nothing. She felt nothing at all except the slight burn. She got up and cleaned up the broken glass.

Then she went around the house turning off each and every light and with that putting out every little silly notion she had about her love-story. His temper would never change - it would probably get worse. He wouldn’t stop the abusive language no matter how much he promised. It wouldn’t change. She’d never be cherished the way she hoped to be. She’d never just be breathtakingly beautiful to him. Her heart would never again skip a beat at suddenly being caught off-guard by a kiss. He’d never come to her first and beg for her forgiveness irrespective of who‘s fault it was. She’ll never know what it’s like to pretend not forgive just for fun. He wouldn’t steal her away from the crowd…he wouldn’t ignore the crowd to be with her. Yes, he loved her…she was aware of that. But he would never ever again remind her of the love he’d once promised. She drew the curtains till there was complete darkness. Morning he’d be back and pretend everything’s fine and she’d have no option but to play along. One mismatched word or behavior would anger him furthermore.

Wrapped in a blanket of broken dreams and promises long lost, she drifted off to sleep and dreamt of the love she could only get in dreams.

Girl friend(s)

I need a girl friend right now. Now before you, my lovely readers get any ideas…not a girlfriend, I mean a girl (who’s a) friend. Yes, I’ve almost always been ‘one of the guys’ but this is a little too much - even for me. All and I mean ALL my friends here are boys!! Yes, there are many girls I know here but I just never ‘hit it off’ with any of them. It’s almost frustrating sometimes…there are just so many things I miss, But alas! *sigh*


Here are a few, just off the top of my head…
Watch a chick-flick in PJ’s minus the oh-so-macho-(funny??!) comments…and at least one of us crying.

Sleepovers. With vodka, soda, smokes, popcorn, ice cream, late-night radio and a whole lot of secrets.

Ah. Ice-cream. An important entity in girl-bonding. whole slabs/ buckets and plenty of spoons. Bowls banned. Butterscotch. Yum.

Gorging on junk food without a damn care in the world! Yes women are health conscious and men are the big eaters. But when it comes to junk food- we have no competition.

Spending hours in a bookstore without being hurried.

Shopping! It’s ZERO fun shopping with a guy. Haahah…unless they have a purpose or they’re getting something out of it *wink* *wink*…their attention span/ interest lasts for at most 5 minutes. Oh! And you cannot linger in the lingerie section no matter how much the laces and the satins beckon you!!

Group Hugs. Let me rephrase - bear hugs. Hearty, uninhibited affection. Cure for everything.

Collective drooling and sighing over Johnny Depp, Richard Gere, Hugh Jackman, George Clooney, Arjun Rampal, Rahul Bose, etc etc etc (yes babe, Farhan Akhtar too!).

Get-togethers without beer!

Crying without being embarrassed and comforted by the fact that the other person actually knows exactly what’s hurting us.

Lastly, I’m sorry boys but…NOT addressing each other (oh-so-casually) with filthy cusses. Oh wait. NOT cussing while talking for let‘s say 10 minutes!! (come on boys, admit it…you all do it!). Oh no, mister, I’m not done yet! I miss going through one day, ONE DAY without hearing a bathroom joke or a reference to some bathroom activity!


Well…these are just a few of the gazillions things I miss. I just listed down the things I miss most right now.

I miss you girlies…
Pearl
Mou
Piu di
Babe
Shakun

Momentarily...

A gust of cool breeze

On a still summer night-

Suddenly delightful,

Lifting my soul in your flight.

I breathe you in

To keep you a little longer;

But you slip through my being,

And I’m alone, yet a little stronger.

Heard in the silence...

Shamelessly expressed,

yet mysteriously hidden so-

Words scattered carelessly,

Tears now threatening to show.

Here I stand before you

Barer than ever before -

I sold my soul to emptiness

Hope- I have no more.

I turn my face away from you,

To not see you turning your back on me;

I dry my tears as fast as I can-

Before you can pretend not to see.

I fiercely hold my words back,

Before you can act aloof;

And drown myself in irrelevance

My scars, the only remaining proof.

I watch you sleep blissfully

While I die a little each day,

I close my eyes and speak to the silence

Of everything you didn’t let me say.

Best friends?

To,
You know who you are

I've lived quite a while in a heart aching guilt, for you are my best friend. You're the one person I knew I could turn to no matter what. I did not hurt you intentionally...I thought you knew that...no, you told me you knew. We'd promised that we'd always put our friendship above all feelings and yet you failed. For the past few months, I've been trying so hard to just get my best friend back while you've only been difficult- like an stubborn, selfish child whose candy has been snatched. What you did that day was the last straw. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to live in this fantasy that our friendship is unique. It is not. It's driven by your own selfish motive. I've realized that the only reason you even want to remain friends with me is because you want something out of me.

So from now on, I will stop. I'm not going to let you drive me into feeling guilty all the time. We both made mistakes...but I took all the responsibility to make amendments. Now you go ahead and do something so vile, so hateful...it makes my blood boil when I think about it. Yes, you're right when you say that we both hurt each other but you're sadly wrong when you say I don't have the rights to be angry at you. You know why? Because one of us didn't hurt the other one intentionally...guess who that was!?

I'm done feeling guilty. I'm done believing you.You can brood and sulk all alone now.

Good luck.
N.

Bliss

8th Jan, 2009

So well, after attending to phone calls all night (and early morning), at around 7:45 am, I decided there was really no point trying to sleep. So, after rolling around in my super-cozy blanket a few more times, I dragged myself out of bed. Then I helped myself to a breakfast of a hearty chunk of extra gooey chocolate cake with a generous dollop of whipped cream *heaven*. Then I danced my way to the shower and of course the water was just luxuriously warm. THEN I spent almost an hour and half with my deliciously-red-good-enough-to-eat Pomegranate Body Polish and almost-reminds-me-of-Hawaii Coconut and Almond Oil Hair Conditioner... and an additional half an hour with my sweetly scented (with a hint of vanilla) Brazil Nut Body Butter.

Final touch: the zesty, spicy, musky, oh-so-aptly-named Fuel For Life Unlimited by Diesel.

Ah. Bliss. I love being the birthday girl.